Friday, December 31, 2010


I was going to wait until 2011 to post again, but I'm 3 hours away, and I don't feel like waiting; I want to write now. Mostly about two things, I think.
I'm becoming really distant recently, I think; maybe. I hardly talk to my friends, I don't try to talk to them, or even stay friends with them. I guess, I'm kind of getting closer to Vicki and Brandon in the sense that we talk more, but we don't talk about anything personal. I used to talk to Dani about my problems, she used to know me better than anyone else, well her and Matt. They used to be my bestfriends. So was Ali, but we never talked about really personal stuff as much. The only friends I really talk to now are Ali, Brandon, Vicki, Dani, and of course Johnny. But Ali and Johnny are the only ones I'm close to. I don't tell Ali my secrets, but we have similar intrests that I don't have with anyone else, and we're cousins. And, Johnny is the only person I'm honest about my feelings with. I used to be honest with Nathan too, we always got along well emotionally/psychologically, but we don't talk now. I'm starting to only think of Johnny, Ali, myself, my brother, and a few other relatives.
i still have fun with the other people, but I just don't feel like we're close friends, or anything.
Especially Dani. We used to be best friends, for four years, and now, she doesn't know me at all, and I don't know her at all. She has mentioned it a few times, and I just ignore it, because I know it's happening, but I just can't seem to care. I don't know why fully. I also don't want to say certain things.
I feel like I'm isolating myself too much and eventually I'll be completely alone. Johnny is the only person outside of my family that I'm close with. He's the only person I can talk to. I'm not sure what I'll do when we break up, like who I'll talk to. I need to talk to someone, or I'll just become a wreck. It's not him, like I'm not obsessed with him or need him in my life, just someone I can talk to and trust, someone who'll accept me for who I am and not judge me and care about me no matter what (to an extent). I don't care if it's a boy either, just a friend, or whatever. This is starting to change into the second thing I wanted to talk about...
I have homework to do this weekend, quite a bit, there's one thing I'm really worried about, and well, I've mentioned before how homework makes me feel (unhappy, negative, potentially harmful) And, Johnny is going to be gone away all weekend, and we wont speak, not even on msn, and we always at least talk on msn. And, since I have a lot of homework, and I wont have his positiveness for support, I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I sound pathetic...
But I really am worried. We haven't gone this long without talking in a long time, and I wasn't under stress then. And, I have no idea what to do when I get stressed this weekend. It's not like all of the 13 year olds who complain about not talking to their "future husbands" for 2 hours and are depressed; it has nothing to do with him being my boyfriend, it's just that he's the only person I can talk to, and I need to talk this weekend and I can't. Of course, I will miss him, but like I said before, I'm not obsessed with him.  XD
When he first told me we wouldn't get to talk all weekend, I started crying XD And that lasted for probably 1.5 hours. I was actually that worried. I still am worried.
I hate homework so much. I hope next semester is easier. Learning is incredibly easy for me, it's homework that I find difficult, I don't even know why. I just find it so depressing. I like reading, writing, and learning, but I hate homework. XD
I hope this post makes sense and isn't all jumbled around...


I don't know if I should consider 2010 a good year or a bad year. There's been both good and bad things. I've learned quite a bit this year, and have changed quite a bit as well. I started 2010 off in my father's kitchen talking to my friend Matt on MSN. I still visited my father frequently then. It was about a month after breaking up with my first boyfriend, who apparently called my mother's house that night, drunk, looking for me because he wanted to get back together. My mother never told me that, which I think is a good idea, I didn't need to know, I actually found out later from Matt that he did.
In the beginning of 2010, I would always accidentally write 2012, rather than 2009 like a lot of people. XD
I don't know if I made a resolution or not.. I think I may have; to be single all year (and every year) so I could become a crazy cat lady at 28.... I'm not sure if I was serious about that or not. Well, I didn't do that. And I may have had another one, which would have been to lose weight, which is funny because 2010 has been my fattest year ever. I weigh about 115, without clothes on.
In March, on the 13th to be exact, Johnny messaged me on Facebook chat, and then, like 30 minutes later added me on MSN and we talked there. He was already friends with my friend Dani, so he knew a bit about me, and I knew a bit about him. He also excepted all of our weird stories that he heard from her, a lot which most people would think were just weird. We became friends, and unlike I usually do, I talked to him in person quite a bit before we became close friends. (Usually I'm really shy and don't talk much face-to-face. I'm trying to be less shy though, so that's why.) He became friends with our other friends as well, and soon we got into a routine of always meeting in a certain corner of the school to play cards in the morning, at break, and at lunch. And also, after barely knowing him, my friend Jenna became obsessed.
I was just starting to actually care about school work this year, right around the time for first semester final exams. I don't know what my mark on the science exam was, but I am pretty sure the teacher pushed me through, I must have done relatively well.
I was failing math horribly, all of first semester. And second semester I was trying harder in all of my courses, including math, somewhat. I passed second semester, and got a 69% on the final exam for the entire math class which lasted both semesters. And 69% was above average for the class, so the teacher gave me a 50 on my report card.
My school year ends around the end of June.
Around this time I became friends with Nathan, who was dating one of my friends, but it was kind of a secret. Our first conversation on MSN was about how earlier we saw a "hot" teacher from our school outside his house without a shirt on, an argument over who was better out of Edward and Jacob (neither of us even like Twilight), a gross teacher at our school in short shorts, throwing him in the ocean so lobster could eat him, and then eat the lobster to eat him, and whether I'd enjoy having my favourite teacher, who's rather old, coming into my room at ngiht and biting me...
Johnny graduated from High School this year. I wasn't sure if I'd ever see him again since he was no longer in school, and I had never saw him outside of school before. But, around July 5, he asked me if I wanted to go to his house for a few hours. I said okay, and he came to pick me up from my fathers. When I came home that night both my father and his girlfriend asked if he was my boyfriend. I said no, which was the truth.
Jenna was still obsessed at this time.
The next week, Johnny invited me up again, and again, I went up. We did the same things as the week before; go the the river behind his house, pet his dog, watch movies and playfully wrestle like brothers and sisters would.
On the third week, on July 18th, Johnny came to my house for the first time. We watched movies, he looked around my whole room, in my dresser drawers and everything. But I didn't mind, because I had just cleaned my room! At one point, he was laying down and motioned for me to as well. I did, assuming it was because he felt awkward laying down when I was sitting up. This is when he kissed me. And that's what we did for the next few hours.
He dropped me off at my fathers later that night, and that's when the biggest fight I've ever had with my father happened, which resulted in his girlfriend breaking it up, and me leaving at 10:00pm, with no where really to go, carrying all of my stuff. I wasn't even wearing my shoes! I ended up walking 20 minutes or so to my mother's friend's house, and waiting there for my mom to pick me up. I didn't need to tell her where I was, she knew I'd be there, because I had no where else to go. I had decided that if they weren't awake there, I was going to spend the night outside with my father's dog... luckily they were awake.
And I'm terrified of the dark, and wild animals. There were no street lights, and there are a lot of wild animals around my fathers house, such as coyotes and bears, so I was pretty terrified while walking there.
I didn't eat for the next two days, and on the third day I was at Johnny's. I didn't eat until later that day either. I remember laying on his bed almost asleep, waiting for my mom to pick me up because I felt so gross from not eating. I got a bottle of Gatorade on the way home which was gone in about five minutes (And I usually drink really slowly) That, of course, made me feel really sick though. XD After that day, I hardly ate until the end of August; I'd eat most days, but only a little, and I had started losing weight, which was nice, but then, around the end of August, my apitite came back, and now I'm constantly eating, which I hate.
Over the summer, a lot of people, mostly Johnny's friends, Nathan and his friend asked me or Johnny if we were dating, and we always said no. We were together, kind of, but not dating, and it was a secret because Jenna still liked him. Eventually I told Nathan the truth, but told him not to tell anyone.
On my birthday, August 9th, I was first with Johnny, I spent the night on August 8th, and later on the 9th, I came home because August 9th is also my mothers birthday. My Aunt, two of my cousins and my grandmother came over, and my cousin Ali spent the night. Usually, I'm a good baker, but we made a cake that night that was so lopsided. XD
For most the the summer, every Saturday, I was with Nathan, we'd usually go to a nearby city, or just drive around and look at teachers houses, and be creepy. While with him, I learned a lot about a lot of my other friends, and it didn't change my outlook on most of them, but it did for M, who has been mentioned before on December 7th. Before I was friends with Nathan, M and I were close, but now, even though Nathan and I no longer talk, what he taught me about M stilll bothers me, and it always will.
People have said that they're jealous of the friendship M and I have; that's it's so great, and we always get along, we're so alike, and always have so much fun together, and we're always laughing. If they knew the truth about us and our friendship, they'd be shocked.
On December 5th, my friends birthday, Johnny and I changed our relationship status on Facebook, so it completely was no longer a secret then.
I guess that is my year quickly summed up. A lot of other things have happened, but I've already written quite a bit.
In 2011, I don't really have any major plans.
My resolution will be to lose weight, at least 15 pounds.
I hope to stay close with Johnny. And I hope to figure out who my true friends are, and be more myself, and also become less shy, and get rid of my old "emo" image. (In Grade 9 and some of Grade 10, people always called me emo. I don't even like emotive hardcore music though. XD)
Well, I hope everyone has a good new years eve! I'll either be outside with my telescope, watching tv, or possibly sleeping, since I woke up at 4:45 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. XD
I write too much... :\

Thursday, December 30, 2010

I hate F5.

I now know what F5 does...
I had a lot written here, and I had to take the F5 key off because something fell under it, so I took it off and when I put it back on, everything I wrote was gone. -.-
I don't even remember what I wrote!
My mom bought me a big sub from Subway, and I ate it all and felt sick.
I blew up her excersize ball. It was hard.
She was sitting on my floor and I looked down to see what I wrote, and it said "I blew up her ex" so I told her, except said I was writing to a friend, and she said, "You mean your father?" I laughed quite a bit.
For the last few days, I've been in a better mood. Ever since Johnny was here a few days ago, and I talked to him about everything. It's kind of weird, when talking to him, all of my present problems didn't cause me to cry, but as soon as I mentioned my grandfather I started crying a lot, and he's been gone for several years.
I haven't cut in about a week I think, based on the healing of the cuts from a while ago. I've only thought about it now when I think of homework, which is the only big issue I have right now, since talking to Johnny.
He says he doesn't know how to help me, but just listening to me complain (for at least two hours this time) and hugging me and saying positive stuff does help a lot. Maybe I should tell him that, it'd probbaly make him feel good for being able to help me.
I started cleaning my room today, it's about half done. I'm hoping to finish tomorrow and then do homework. I've needed to clean my room now for over a month. And, when I clean my room, I clean it really good; that's why it's taking two days to clean it this time.
Nothing has happened in the last two days that is realy worth writing about. I've been in a pretty good mood. Some funny things have happened, for example, earlier today, while taking a break from cleaning, I made a snowman out of Playdoh that my friend got me for Christmas, and then took a picture and put it on Facebook. And this conversation happened:
Matt: I almost see boobie
Me: They're buttons! ):
Me (A minute later): Oh..mine.

I was laughing at that for about 15 minutes because of my stupidity, lots of people noticed. Even one of Johnny's friends, who I never talk to saw it and mentioned it to him.
I do stupid stuff so much. XD
This attempt at posting is much less organized and less detailed as the original..
When I was cleaning my room today, I found a lot of stuff that I had completely forgot about. I found the bag that Oliver used to put the present he gave me for Christmas last year, behind my tv stand with a bunch of other stuff that fell there because of my cats. I still have the bag because he decorated it himself.
I save so much stuff, even pointless stuff, like empty packages of gum.I seriously think I may become a hoarder some day. I'm putting all of the toys and little things and notes and everything in boxes and bags though, so I'll still have them, but they wont be making a mess.
I think I may be sleeping on the couch tonight, seeing as there is no room on my bed for me.
A week ago or so, I was reading over my comments between a friend and I on Facebook, there was one wall post from me to her, that was about how one day my mother and I were driving in town, and she had me pause my iPod so she could tell me "GVE" which was on someone's liscence plate, and I got annoyed and asked her if she really had to do that, and how she then proceeded to remind me of how earlier that day, I called her to the room I was in worriedly, and she came running to see what was wrong, and I asked if a particular tree had always been where it was. (Apparently, it had always been there) And, how later that day, I called her into my room, pointed at my cat and said "That's a cat." And didn't say anything else. 
I find that really funny, because we both do pointless stuff all the time. I do it a lot more though. Almost all of my friends have said to me, "Your poor mother." When I tell them of something that happened that day. I'm really surprised my mother is able to put up with me, I can be so childish and annoying. XD At least I'm her only child. I believe that day, mentioned above, was the day I said "Hi mom" the entire 10 minute ride home from Wal-Mart, and she replied "Hi Katelyn" almost every time. XD
It's getting pretty late now... I'll try to write tomorrow, maybe about how cleaning my room went, and if I've actually finished. XD

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Day Four & Day Five.

Day Four - Memories
Day Five - Miscellaneous

Day Four
From this Christmas - Spying on people, watching my brother and cousin wrestle, my grandmother's new boyfriend being around, and being woken up early.
From other Christmases - Sneaking two bottles of pop under the dining room table and drnking them with Ali, Abigail, and Madison (cousins), spending my last Christmas with my grandfather (he died in the beginning of January 2006), Madison getting her shoe stuff in this weird puddle of muddy gunk behind Ali's house, and I being the onyl one willing to dig 2 or 3 feet deep to get it out, getting my first telescope.

Day Five - I can't really think of anything... I didn't sleep good. I didn't last year either. XD

I missed yesterday's because my aunt and uncle were over, and then later Johnny came over, so I couldn't do it then..

A year ago today, The Rev, the drummer of Avenged Sevenfold died. I really liked him.

I talked to Johnny about most of my issues last night, that helped a bit. Not fully, but I'm not as stressed now, luckily. He doesn't really know how to help with most of it, but he lets me talk to him about it, and says positive stuff, which works enough.
While Johnny was still sleeping today, I got up, had a shower, watched a movie called Homeless, it's a documentary about families who cant's afford their own homes, and live in parks/motels. It was interesting, but sad too. The oldest kids in the movies were 11, and one was six, the same age of my brother, so I was able to think of what it would be llike if he were in that situation.

Anyways, there isn't much to write about and I'm tired, so I'm gonna go.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Boxing Day

I went to my fathers today because the family was coming over.
My cousin Rebecca seems less shy now.
We didn't really do anything special.
Ali and I got bored and went outside. But it was dark. After a while we started spying on everyone, we did that for about 30 minutes.
I gave Ali her presents; she liked them.
She said I should go with her and her mom to Chapters whenever they go, so I might.
Johnny was supposed to be coming over tonight, but he ended up having to stay home for something, so I'm going to spend the rest of the night listening to music.
I'm really tired. I haven't been sleeping good recently. I only sleep good when someone else is in the room. When I was at my friends house a few days ago, I slept fine. When Johnny's here, or I'm at his house, I sleep fine, unless he wakes me up, which he does quite often now, because he can't sleep either.. or becuase I steal the blanket... that happend for the first time when I was there last! I'm usually only mean to Ali in my sleep.. and Brady when we had to share a bed. Brady is my father's ex-girlfriends 18 year old son (he's 18 now) We lived together for 6 or 7 years.
Maybe I could rent a male prostitute or something to just share a bed with me, so I can sleep... but I'd probably be too afraid to sleep then. And explaining to my mother would be hard. XD
Well, I clearly have nothing interesting to talk about...
So I'm going to go.

Day Two & Day Three.

Day Two - Food
Day Three - Presents

I missed day two yesterday, so I'm doing both days two and three today.

Food - Carrots, potatoes, sweet potato, and turnip.
Presents - Telescope, camera, hair dryer, clothes, incense, books, money, pens, notebooks, a new hair brush, stuff like that.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Five Day Christmas Challenge & Day One.

Day One - Traditions
Day Two - Food
Day Three - Presents
Day Four - Memories
Day Five - Miscellaneous

Day One - Traditions
- If I'm at my mothers, open one present on Christmas Eve.
- If I'm at my fathers, the family gets together for dinner on Christmas Eve and again on Christmas Day or Boxing Day
- Usually watching Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, Charlie Brown Christmas, and Frosty The Snow Man.
- Making short bread cookies.

Christmas Eve Day

So, today is Christmas Eve day. It's 1:00. I'm at my fathers right now. I've been here since about 10:00 this morning. I got up at 8:15. I didn't even get to sleep until like 3:30 last night. I don't know why I couldn't sleep, but I had some Froot Loops, brought Jacob (my cat) in my room and finally fell asleep.
I celebrated Christmas this morning at my mothers, and I'll celebrate tomorrow morning here with my father and brother, and maybe Grandmother.
I got some Rubik's cubes and clothes mostly for Christmas from my mother. And the telescope, which I got early.
I made some shortbread cookies with my father and Oliver earlier. I'm pretty sure I've done that every year since I was old enough to help; before Oliver was born.
I asked my father how old Clover is, he thought she was 10, but I knew she wasn't that old, so we got in a big discussion about her age, which we decided was 9, but I think she's 8. He was surprised that I remember the exact day our dog died when I was five. I remember it clearly.
Clover got outside today. 'She's not allowed outside when she isn't on a leash, so when i first got here, she was walking around the yard, but if you got close to her she'd run away. After trying to bribe her with food my father and Oliver stopped trying. So I went outside, and tossed rocks and pine cones towards her so she'd come closer to sniff them. I ended up completely lying on the muddy wet ground and inching closer to her while talking to her in a baby voice. Where anyone who drove by could see and any neighbors outside could hear. XD Anyways, I did finally get her! I brought her inside and then changed my pants.
I'm going over to my cousin's later, which is good. (Ali - pronounced like Ally)
My father was talking about Johnny, who I had no idea my father knew about, he dídn't know his name though. He said he could come over for a few hours if he wanted to, he only lives about 15 minutes away from here, rather than the 45 minutes away from my mothers. But, Johnny would not want to do that I don't think. XD And he's still sleeping, and I wouldn't really like it either.
Anyways, I don't really know what else to write about. So far being here is a lot less stressful than I expected.
I'm going to go now, I don't like writing in a room with other people around, it scares me.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I want to sleep.

So, I ended up finally going to my friends house yesterday. We had quite a bit of fun. She taught me to play Chess, and I won 3/5 games! We watched Polar Express, and KiKi's Delivery Service with her older brother! All three of us loved that movie as kids. My mom used to actually call me Kiki, so that's why I liked the movie. And, today I found out Johnny likes it too, so sometime next week hopefully we're going to watch that movie and some other one that he says it good, but will probably scare me. I get scared over everything. This morning my friend and I laid in bed talking about funny stories from the last four years. We've known eachother for five years, and have been good friends for four. I was almost crying from laughing. There was one story from Grade Nine, it was the funniest for me. One day in Gym Theory, she asked me for tape, so I was looking through my pencil case for some tape, while we were still talking, and the teacher said "Katelyn, do you have anything to share with the class?" but I didn't hear him, and held up a small piece of used red tape and said "I have this red tape!" really loudly and excitedly, and it sounded like I was telling it to the teacher and the rest of the class rather than just my one friend. The entire class heard it, the teacher looked at me like I was crazy, and a few people asked what I was talking about, and THEN I realized what happened.  That's probably one of my favourite funny stories.
I'm celebrating Christmas at my house tomorrow, and again on the actual day, at my fathers. I'm not too excited to be going there, I'm going early tomorrow to his house, and coming back some time on Christmas day and then going back on Boxing Day for a Family dinner.
I'm in a pretty good mood today. I know I'll go back to being unhappy soon, but until then, I'm trying to ignore it, and just be happy.
There was a 16 day challenge that looked really fun, but I'm thinking of starting my 5 day Christmas Challenge tomorrow, and I don't want to wait, so I'm doing the 16 day challenge all in this post. In the New Year, I think I may do a Challenge at one point, just a short one probably, or instead of making a separate post for the challenge of the day, just incorrporate it into the day's post. I'm not sure yet though.
Anyways, here's the 16 day challenge, in about .5 - 1 hour(s).

Day One: List 10 people you trust the very most. 
This is in order from greatest to least, of the people I trust the most.
1. Johnny.
2. Ali.
3. Dani.
4. Matt
5 Vicki.
7. Missy
8. Cassidy.
9. Blake.
10. Jenna.

Day Two: List 10 movies you never get tired of watching. 
1. Ghost World
2. The Land Before Time 1
3. The Land Before Time 2
4. The Land Before Time 3
5. The Land Before Time 4
6. The Land Before Time 5
7. The Land Before Time 6
8. My Little Pony: Bright Lights
9. The Hangover.
10. Silent Hill

Day Three: List 10 tv shows you miss from your childhood. 
1. Dave The Barbarian!
2. Boy Meets World
3. That's So Raven
4. Proud Family
6. Power Rangers
7. Barney
8. Teletubbies
9. The Weekenders
10. Recess

Day Four: List 10 relatives you love being with. 
1. Ali
2. Oliver
3. My grandfather (Deceased)
4. Matt
5. Ben
6. Aunt Julie
7. My great grandmother (Deceased)
8. My grandmother (Deceased)
9. Uncle Paul
10. Aunt Brenda

Day Five: List 10 songs you can’t stop listening to. 
1.Kckstart My Heart - Motley Crue
2.Weighty Ghost - Wintersleep
3.Drunk on Aluminum - Wintersleep
4.Dead Letter & The Infinite Yes - Wintersleep
5.Astronaut - Wintersleep
6.Oblivion - Wintersleep
7. Blown Away - Shiny Toy Guns
8. Rocketship - Shiny Toy Guns
9. Empty With You - The Used
10. I Saw Her Standing There - The Beatles

Day Six: List 10 items you can’t go a day without. 
1. Laptop
2. Animals
3. Ear phones
4. iPod
5. Beverages
6. Clothes
7. Shoes
8. Blankets
9. Pillows
10. My bracelet.

Day Seven: List 10 things you can do best at. 
1. I'm pretty good with grammar and punctuation. I don't always show it on here, but everywhere else, I do.
2. Listen to people.
3. Help people.
4. Helping animals.
5. Reading.
6. Writing.
7. Cook fries
8. Make people laugh
9. Minesweeper, kind of.
10. Manipulating/tricking/lying to people.

Day Eight: List 10 of your favorite singers. 
1. The vocalist of Wintersleep
2. Care Failure
3. Bert McCracken
4. Kurt Cobain
5. Dallas Green
6. Vince Neil
7. Hilary Duff
8. My family has some pretty good singers.
9. Ben Kowalewitz - I probably spelled that wrong
10. Alex Gaskarth

Day Nine: List 10 of your favorite actors/actresses. 
I'm not good with their names, so if I put a character, it's the actor not just that character
1. Ryan from the OC
2. Summer from the OC
3. Mark Walhberg
4. The band mates from the movie Suck
5. Jack Sparrows
6. Aaron Paul
7. Trent Ford
8. Enid from Ghost World
9. Jake Gyllenhal
10. Jared Leto

Day Ten: List 10 of your imperfections/flaws. 
1. A line on my nose
2. A mole on my back
3. A mole on my upper thigh
4. My hips.
5. A scar on my bum, from a dog.
6. Two scars on my chest from a cat.
7. A scar on my forehead from a pancake.
8. My writers bump.
9. My freckle between my fingers
10. My eyebrows

Day Eleven: List 10 incidents that happened this year. 
1. Fight with my father
2. Fights with friends
3. Getting stuck in the city for the night
4. Drama
5. All of my friends, and I arguing with everyone and once, pretty much
6. Friends jealousy
7. Fighting with my mother
8. Getting put in the wrong math class
9. My history mark going from 94 to 69.
10. Skipping class.

Day Twelve: List 10 people that could make you laugh ANYTIME. 
No one can anytime, these are the people who best can
1. Johnny
2. Ali
3. Oliver
4. Dani
5. Vicki
6. Brandon
7. My mom
8. My cats
9. Jake
10. Fungi

Day Thirteen: List 10 annoying songs. 
1. Anything byMiley Cyrus
2. Anything by Justin Bieber
3. Anything by The Jonas Brothers
4. Anything by Rhianna
5. Anything by Usher
6. Anything by Michael Jackson
7. Anything about drugs, alcohol, money, sex, in a bad way.
8. Anything country
9. Creep - Radiohead.  I like Radiohead, but that song reminds me of my ex, who annoys me.
10. That I'm on A Boat, or whatever song.

Day Fourteen: List 10 things about yourself. 
1. I love kitties!
2. I can solve a rubik's cube
3. I can beat Minesweeper
4. I read quickly.
5. I was born at 5:02 am
6. My mother was born on the same day at 5:13 am
7. I can't make Kraft Dinner.
8. I can do a flip on a trampoline
9. I love needles
10. I used to ride a dirtbike, and plan to again some day.

Day Fifteen: List 10 things you wouldn’t change about your life. 
1. My brother.
2. My cousin
3. My friends
4. My cats
5. My boyfriend
6. The things I have
7. My interests
8. My personality
9. My distant family
10. My memories/experiences

Day Sixteen: List 10 things you WOULD change about your life.
1. My looks
2. Where I seem to be going
3. My mood
4. My intelligence
5. Where I live
6. Where I go to school
7. The weather
8. My body health-wise
9. I'd get a job
10. My father - I'm not sure what I'd change about him/a father. I was never really close to mine since I can remember, so I don't know what it's like to be close with a father; I don't know if I'd want to be close to one, I just know that I don't like mine. Maybe it'd be nice to be close to a father, but I have no idea, so I can't say I want a nice father, who's always been nice, because maybe I don't.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


I'm going to a friend's house tonight. I was supposed to be there at 3:00. It's now 3:22. I was also supposed to drop another friend's Christmas present off before going there, at 2:30. My mother's boyfriend was supposed to be home at 2:15 at the latest so I would have time to drop the present off and go to my other friends house. But, he and a friend went to another friends house, he got drunk, my mom called to say he was late (and he has her car), he got mad at her, and still hasn't left his friends house.
He does stuff like this all the time.
And he's drunk every single day. Not because he's an alcoholic or has a bad life, just because he wants to be. He starts drinking at 10:00 am and is passed out by 6:00 pm, then up again around 10:00 pm drinking, playing loud music, and cooking food that he'll only eat half of because he passes out again.
A week ago or so, I woke up at 2:00 am to him playing music incredibly loud, and cooking. I had school the next day. So I just yelled at him to "turn the f***ing music down." Which he did; a bit.
He calls my cats whore. Talking degradingly towards women, talks sexually, has a huge ego, doesn't know how to talk quietly, etc.
He pisses me off so much.
He woke me up this morning from talking way too loudly, and he sounds like an elephant when he walks (which I dont understand because he's underweight).
Anyways, I've decided that from now on, whenever he's sleeping, I am going to be as loud as possible, just to be a bitch.
but I have to go now; he's finally home, and hour and 15 minutes late..

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


All of my posts recently have been pretty positive, which is kind of funny, seeing as I've been in a horrible mood for a few weeks now. Well, I've been happy, but for the most part I've been mad/upset. I guess I've just never thought to write about my emotions, which is why I made this blog in the first place... I can't even think of what to write right now without going overboard. I've spent about 15 minutes writing this little bit. It's now been half an hour, and all I want to do is sleep, just thinking exhausts me. But I really want to make this post, or at least, I think I should; like I said, I'd rather sleep.
I have no motivation for anything. I haven't done any school work yet, I don't know when I'll get it done. I'm not doing anything productive, all I've been doing so far on Winter Break is mostly just thinking, sleeping, and doing pointless things on the internet to waste time.
I was frustrated when Johnny was here about the telescope, and then, and still somewhat now, I'm worried that he'll think I'm crazy and leave me (though I honestly wouldn't blame him; I don't think I could handle being with someone like me) I'm really worried that we might have an arguement or something. I know eventually we will agrue, but we haven't yet, and I don't want to.
I've been dinstancing from everyone a lot recently, but Johnny and I had been getting closer, but now I feel like we're distancing, too. I don't think I've ever been this alone before to be honest. But I've put myself here. The only people I care about are my brother, three cousins, an aunt, my mom (kind of), and Johnny right now. Everyone else, I just don't have time to care about them. Brandon and Vicki are still somewhat there, I'm trying to be close and stay close to them, but it's hard.
I'm only really happy now sometimes when Johnny is here, and last night, I was incredibly happy...because I cut. I hadn't been that happy in a while, I was so happy that I was almost crying. I was smiling hugely, laughing, and joking around, and just happy and all of my problems didn't exist then. This is how I used to end up with hundreds of open wounds at once, in order to be that happy, I have to cut at least once a day (once meaning one session, approximately three cuts) And, I used to cut daily, I was happy then too, even though my arm was riddled in cuts. It would be so full, I'd have no choice but to go to my leg. I use my leg now so I can wear t-shirts. Everyone knows I hate shorts, so of course I'm going to be wearing long pants always. No one even suspects it, other than Johnny, who knows.
He doesn't know I did it last night, though I should tell him... unless I can avoid seeing him for a week or so. The last time I cut, he never even noticed (I told him later though) I had been able to stay away from him until they were almost healed, then I kept them facing the opposite direction, or somewhere he wouldn't look, whenever he saw my leg. There were only a few then, though. This time, there's 21.
I hate how I can't be truly happy without harming myself. I want to be able to be happy, but I don't know how. I don't even know why cutting makes me so happy. Is it normal to be incredibly happy from doing it?
It feels kind of like how I would imagine being high feels, maybe.
I know I'm going to start cutting more again, and I really don't want to; for Johnny, and in case I get caught again. I guess it's good that I'm becoming more distant from everyone, it makes cutting easier. Even with Johnny, if he weren't around, no one who I know in real life, would even know I started again and that it's getting worse, again.
And, the problem I mentioned before, with M, that's still bothering me, lots. And they've noticed, and are trying to repair our friendship, but it's too far gone, and I know far too much; it's not repairable. I don't even want to try.
That's all I can think of that's bothering me right now...
I'm exhausted..

Monday, December 20, 2010

Lunar Eclipse

Because of the Lunar Eclipse on the Winter Solstice (tomorrow) I got my telescope, a Christmas present, early. Normally, I wouldn't get it early for just any eclipse, but since this one falls on the Winter Solstice, I am. This is supposedly only the second time this has happened in 2000 years, and it isn't expected to happen again until 2094.
So, I spent 2 or 3 hours setting up my telescope yesterday with Johnny. If it weren't for him, I'd have never got it myself, honestly. And, then we took it outside, and looked at the moon to make sure everything was done right. The only issue is tightening it, so it doesn't move, but I'm hoping to correct that, and get my telescope camera working tonight, since the eclipse is supposed to be around 3:41 am (Atlantic Time), tomorrow morning. So, I wont be sleeping tonight. XD I know it's viewable in the Northern Hemisphere, but I don't think so in the Southern Hemisphere, I could be wrong though.
I'm pretty excited though. I've been talking to my cousin about it for about 2 hours on MSN now. XD I'm possibly calling her at 3:30 tomorrow morning, to wake her up for it. XD
If I do manage to get photos, telescope camera or regular camera, I'll try to post some.
I'm really happy about this telescope too, my old one, was for kids, I got it when I was ten, and really small; this one is bigger. My old one didn't have much mangification, this one has 675x magnification power, which is the most we were able to buy from where we got it, and it's a National Geographic telescope.
My cousin may be coming here for the night now, I kind of mentioned her being allowed to come if she wants, she said she'd see what she was doing. So if she comes, it would be more convienient, and more fun too, rather than it just being be, and mostlikely not my mom, seeing as she had to work tomorrow.

I  saw my littel brother for a moment, about ten minutes ago. My grandmother came to drop something off for my mother, and my brother was in her car. I saw him wave, and I waved back. I'm not sure if he saw me or not, hopefully he did. If not, I will be at my fathers house on Friday, so I'll see him then. : )

Anyways, I'm somewhat busy, and don't really have anything else to write about, so I'll go before I start writing about something completely pointless and random. Hahaha.
Here's the link for where I got the Eclipse information:

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Christmas Shopping!!

Today, I spent three or four hours doing Christmas shopping. I was lucky enough to finish in one day, rather than going on more than one trip. I like picking the presents and buying them, but I hate the crowds, there are so many people, and they all walk slowly, only on holidays too.. XD Anyways, apart from slowly making my way through one clothing store, Wal-Mart, a music store, and a mall, I had a lot of fun.
I got Ali a t-shirt, it has oranges on it, which is kind of an inside joke between us and other friends, so it was kind of personal and thoughtful.
I got my father a robe. He was actually the hardest to buy for, I had no idea what to get him, and trusted my mother, his ex-wife, when she said he'd love a robe.. I don't know if that was a good thing or not. But, at least I tried.
I got Kelly, his girlfriend, two matching vases that match the colours of her living room, at least I think they do, I haven't been to her house in months.
I got my grandmother some blank CD's because she makes her own music, and puts them on CD's.
I got Dani, who I saw in the mall, a gift card for a bookstore and two tubes of paint.
I got Vicki a slinky, some gum that somehow ended up in the cart (neither I nor my mother put it there) and a dinosaur that you put in water and it grows.
I got Jenna another dinosaur like that, and some foam creatures you make.
I got Brandon a doll of some Cop guy or something, and a blue teddy bear.
(I should note, all of my friends and I usually buy eachother childish stuff like I bought. XD)
And I got Johnny a cat toy, which is an inside joke, and a guitar tuner and a guitar pick.

And that's all I got presents for.
I wrapped them too! Oliver's, Dani's and Johnny's are neat, all of the others kind of look like I did it with my eyes closed, they they were oddly shaped, that's why.
I spent more time in town today than I planned.
Well, I have nothing else really to write about...
Oh! After getting presents, I went to A&W, where Jenna works, and got some fries and said hi to her, and told her I got her present, but refused to tell her what it is. >:)
I'm going to try to make an interesting post soon, about some type of interesting/controversial topic..
but for now, I am going to go pet my cat so she stops scratching my face...

Friday, December 17, 2010

School's out!

Until January 4th, that is.
Today was the last day of school, and it was a really good day!
I had double (2 hours) Adv. English first. During the first hour we read for twenty minutes, and the rest was spent on a student giving a presentation on prostitution. And, he's really funny, so it was a funny presentation and discussion as well. The second hour we had cookies, chips, and juice while watching Elf or Buddy The Elf, I'm not sure which it's called.
After that, I had 1 hour of Canadian History, where three people presented, so I just watched their presentations.
Then I had lunch, and I did something I rarely do; go to the cafeteria/cafetorium. I went there because while on prep, my friend went to Tim Hortans and got me a green tea, haha. So I went there to drink it, and sat with her and three of our other friends.
I had Biology next, and played the game, "I Don't Even" and won. (I may have cheated a tiny bit) That took up most of the hour.
I had prep last which I spent with three of my friends in the library. I'm usually alone on prep, so this was fun. I played with play doh.

Other Highlights of the Day:
- Watching Mr. Mattocks open his present from Dani. (Mr. Mattocks is the coolest teacher to ever exist! Seriously; no one beats him in teacher awesomeness.)
- Brushing my teeth at school
- Receiving gifts (A dinosaur, play doh, a CD, and a big, fancy, 'diamond' paper weight.)
- Hearing Mr. Mattocks sing the Element Song in his Scotish accent.

In general, I had a really good day, and I am so glad school is over!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Challenges. Christmas. Homework.

So, the Ten Day Challenge is over now. I had started it around the time I started blogging. I did it because it seemed fun, and it was a reason for me to come back everyday and continue blogging instead of just forgetting about this, and never blogging, which seems like something I'd do. And, I'm pretty used to blogging now, so I doubt I'll just stop. I want to try to keep blogging daily, but that make be hard sometimes, but I'm usually never without internet access for more than one day, so I can probably do this almost daily.
I want to keep a blog going, because it's kind of like a journal, and I like keeping track of everything, and this is a good way to do so. I'll probably do more challenges in the future, I really like the challenges. There is a short, five day Christmas one that I'll probably do sometime very soon, since Christmas in next week.

I'm not at all ready for Christmas. I don't have any presents yet, nor do I know what to get anyone except one or two friends, and my mom. (My mom is taking me to get her present) My mom can probably help me with my father, and grandmother, and my fathers girlfriend, since I should get her something too. Brandon, Vicki, Dani, Oliver, and Ali wont be hard to get presents for. I'm mostly worried about Johnny, because I've never got him a present before. XD

My homework is going...not so great, but I'm not as stressed, so that's good.
It's my mother's boyfriend's birthday tomorrow, so I am leaving the house. I'm going to Johnny's, I'm actually supposed to be leaving in 15 minutes, and I'm not packed, oops, and I am coming back home tomorrow at 5:00pm. I'm supposed to be doing my homework there, but that may not happen. Hopefully it will, but I'll be distracted.. Hahaha.
Well, I shoulld really pack now! XD I may not be able to write tomorrow, but I'll try.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Day Ten.

Day Ten: One Confession

I confess that I'm good at manipulating people to get what I want.

I know it sounds horrible, and that I actually do use it to my advantage is worse, but I don't do it in any way that would harm or bother someone a lot, it's usually just in small ways.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Homework update.

The last three days have been..different.
Saturday, I did good, and got all of my work done.
Today, well..I haven't done any work yet, which I know I will pay for. I plan to start soon. I mostly don't want to because of yesterday; Sunday.
Those damn queue cards are so horrible. I spent six hours working on them, and only got five cards. On top of that, I was in an irritable mood and easily annoyed. Around 4:00 it just became too much, and I somewhat broke down. It started out with being annoyed, and then I was really mad, and then I was really mad and crying at the same time, and then I was just sad, and ended up hating life and wanting to die. Honestly, I did. I couldn't deal with life or anything. I hadn't been that upset in a while.
Luckily, Johnny came over, and I talked to him about it a bit, and he cheered me up, so I was pretty much back to normal by 7:00.
He left at 11:00, and then I did more homework until 12:30, and then spent two hours attempting to sleep, before succeeding.
My Short Story and Essay are done. The 99 Diagram thing is starting to seem less scary, and may not be due until after winter break. And I passed my Canadian History test. I only got 28/50, so I want to do something to make up for it, but at least I passed.
Anyways, I should really go now, and do homework or pull my hair out or something...

Day Nine.

Day Nine: Two smilies that describe my life right now.

1.  D:<   (Mad/frustrated)
2. ):   (Upset)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Day Eight:

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

1. Being physically fit, or skinny.
2. Showing how much you care.
3. Being able to make me happy, even when I'm in a bad mood. And if you can't make me happy, comforting me.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


So, I have a lot of homework to do, all for next week. Including two major assignments, that I have not started. I have had so much homework all semester, and I've been trying to do it all, and whenever it seems I'm catching up, more things come up! Anyways, since it's really stressing me out, I've tried to make a plan of action starting today, and ending Friday. I'm mostly putting this here for my own use, because it's much easier to look at it here than on Microsoft Word.
Anyways, here it is:

- Four paged shourt story.
- 300 - 500 word essay.

- 30 - 40 queue cards for English
- Study for Test Monday

Monday (Go to School)
- Study for test before class.
- Work on 99 Diagram assignment for Biology
- Step Four of Research Paper

Tuesday (Stay home from school)
- 99 Diagram assignment
- Independent Research Project (IRP)

Wednesday (Stay home from School)
- 99 Diagrams

Thursday (Stay home from school)
- 99 Diagrams

Friday (Go to school)
- Pass IRP 99 Diagrams, and Step Four of Research Paper.

Note: The IRP is due Wednesday, the queue cards are already late, and I am missing a class trip on Thursday to a historical museum.

If I don't do this as planned, I'm pretty much ruined. Since this is our last week of school before Christmas break. I already have a lot to do over Christmas break.

Day Seven.

Day Seven: Four turn-offs.

1. Having a big ego.
2. Being rude.
3. Being smarter than me.
4. Being overweight.

I don't care if my friends are smarter than me, or if they're overweight, but if I were in a relationship with someone, I'd want to know more than them and I wouldn't want someone who was overweight. And, the first two turn-offs don't really need any explination.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Day Six.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot to me, in no particular order.

1. Oliver. My six year old brother, and only sibling. Over the six years of his life, I've watched him grow, learn, and discover who his six-year-old-self is. It doesn't seem like that long at all. I remember so many instances from all years of his life. I remember arguing with him, comforting him when he was hurt or scared, and most of all laughing with (and at) him. He does the craziest things, makes weird faces, and has managed to almost completely have the word 'pig' banned from my fathers house from using it excessively. I know he looks up to me, his big sister, so I try my best to be a good role model, and help teach him about life, because some day he'll have to learn on his own, and the world isn't always a nice and understanding place. He has an older brother, too; Brady, his mother's oldest son. I think this is the third time I've wrote about him on here. Haha. Though this list is in no particular order, he's definately number one on an ordered list.
2. My mommy. When I was really young, I always had to be with my mother. If she left the room, I'd have to as well. If she was using the washroom, I had to be in there. If she went outside, I went outside, or at least watched through the window, depending on the weather. If I didn't know where she was, I'd call out "Mommy, 'mere!" The second word meaning "come here." Haha. I always prefered my mother when it came to my parents, I always will.
3. My grandfather. He passed away in the beginning of 2006. January 3rd, I believe. Even though it's been almost five years since he passed away, I still miss him; a lot. When he was still around, and I lived with my father, every day after supper and washing dishes, doing homework, etc. I would go over to my grandparents house (my grandmother lives in a separate apartment attached to my fathers house) and watch the news or sports that I hated. For hours. Not because he made me, because I wanted to spend time with him, and that's what he was doing, so I did it too. He's actually the main reason I still like watching the news. When we weren't watching tv, he'd tickle me, and bug me like that, or roll paper towel up in a ball, and we'd throw it at eachother, or I'd run through the living room back and forth as he tried to hit me with it. He'd always call me a turkey. And, my father's girlfriend at the time, said crossing your legs was very bad for your blood flow, which it could very well be, so, whenever I caught him with his legs crossed, I'd say, "Legs," and he'd uncross his legs, for a while at least. I now have a problem crossing my legs, I do try to stop, because I always tried to make him cross, but it's hard when I don't have someone always reminding me, like I did to him. When I was younger, he and my grandmother owned a convienience store down the road from their house, it was half store/half diner. A neighbor would always give me a penny when he came in, so I could try to sneek it to my grandfather, without him noticing. I don't think I ever succeeded, even though I went great lengths trying! Haha.
4. Johnny. My boyfriend. I feel weird calling him that, then again, I would anyone, and before getting together, our group of friends had a little family going, and Johnny and I were siblings in the family. So I went from thinking of him as my brother, to boyfriend. That's not normally how things work, so it's weird. On facebook, we're actually listed as both, in a relationship, and siblings. Haha. I've known him for almost nine months now. It'll be nine months on Monday, the 13th. We first talked on March 13th. I know this because I save my conversations and once we were talking about it, so I checked; I'm not a stalker... We first kissed on July 18th. I guess it's more normal to remember that date. I also remember because I got in a big argument with my father that day. He's 18, graduated High School last year. Plays guitar, loves cats (which is essential if you're going to be with me; I love cats more than most people) and he makes the weirdest faces. Anyways, he's my second boyfriend, unless you include some thing I had with some guy whose name is, I think, Michael, when I was 13; online. I don't count it. The first guy was pretty horrible. Johnny is not at all like the other guy. Well, they like some similar stuff, and think somewhat alike. But the difference is Johnny respects me, is kind, trust worthy, and keeps anything rude or likely to annoy me to himself. He's really funny. Accepts me for me, in every way. Even the negative stuff; he doesn't try to stop me. I'm sure if I asked, he would. Which is what I like; if someone tries to make me stop doing something, I'll do it more. I have to ask them for help in order for it to work. Johnny understands me, he knows me more than anyone else, and he hardly does. I only opened up about a few of my secrets with him last night actually. He thinks they're bad, disagrees, but he accepts me. He's actually really great. I wish I knew how to tell him better.
5. Ali. My cousin. She is nine months younger than me. Apparently she was conceived the day after I was born, which is kind of cool, in a way... She's one of the only people who I can talk to about a lot of stuff, like spiritual stuff, books, tarot, divination, telepathy, etc. We've always been somewhat friends. We didn't become complete friends until we were about 7 or 8. Our love of Hilary Duff brought us together. I can be as crazy and weird as I want to be with her without having to worry. She looks at me like I'm crazy, but that's okay. Haha. We have so many funny stories with eachother. She's one of my favourite people to just sit around talking to. She's my only friend I'm comfortable eating around. We think quite a like most of the time, and quite often just understand eachother. We're able to successfully communticate with differents moans and jibberish. Haha. Not only is she my cousin, she's my "bestest" friend.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Day Five.

Day Five: Six things I wish I had never done.

First off, I'd like to say that I try to live without many regrets, and see at least one good thing in every day thing. Because a lot of bad, even horrible situations, have something good about them, too. Not all, of course, but some. For example, I hate my ex-boyfriend, so much, but I don't regret our relationship, even though I'm sure it's tainted my image, etc. I don't regret the relationship, because I learned a lot from it. I made mistakes, and I learned from them.

1. Ignored my grandmother the last time I ever saw her. When I was, I think seven, I was at my grandmothers with my friend and mom for the weekend. My friend and I had got in an arguement, when we were in town, and as we were dropping my grandmother off at her house before leaving, I was still mad, and refused to talk to anyone, so when my grandmother said good-bye, I didn't respond. After about a minute, she said something along the lines of "Fine, be that way." And, a few weeks later she passed away. I never got to see her or talk to her again. I never got to say good-bye or tell her I love her.
2. Let my relationship with my ex go on for so long. Like I said above, I don't regret the relationship. But, I do regret how long it lasted. It could have ended 3.5 months earlier, and there was nothing else I'd have learned, I don't think. I was with him for 11.5 months. I only liked him for about 5 months. I left him in November of 2009, I should have left him in September or early October.
3. Not noticed Aaron's kittens were sick soon enough. My cat Aaron had kittens a year or two ago, and they got sick and passed away. We're not completely sure why they were sick, Aaron's healthy, but they were, and I always think, that if I noticed earlier, I could have maybe saved them, or even just some of them.
4. Watched Peter Pan. Not every time, but one time, when I was around nine years old, a few weeks after my father had gotten two new beagle puppies, (you can see Clover in an earlier post, she was one of the puppies) I was outside playing with them. They were on leashes so they wouldn't run away. After a while I decided to go in and watch a movie. I left the puppies outside, because they stayed out a lot on their own usually, as did all of my fathers beagles before them, so I thought it was fine. After about 10 or 15 minutes I went back outside to check on them, because I heard a lot of barking. When I went outside, I noticed Dixie, Clover's sister had fallen off the deck that they were beside. The deck was only about two feet off the ground; Dixies feet were not even an inch away from the ground. She was dead. I picked her up, set her on the deck, took her collar off, and went inside to wake my father up and tell him what happened. I know that if I had not gone in to watch Peter Pan, a movie that I had never even really liked, Dixie would be alive today.
5. Tried drugs. Once, a year ago or so, my boyfriend at the time, convinced me to try weed. I really didn't want to, but he bugged me so much, that I stupidly gave in. I don't even think I was high, but I still regret trying it. I had planned on never doing drugs and being able to say, my entire life that I never have. And now I can't, because of that one summer night.
6. Started cutting. I used to cut, a lot. I first did it in Grade Six, but only once. And I didn't do it again until Grade 8. But, even since starting again in Grade Eight, it's been an issue for me. I'll stop for a bit, start again, stop, start, stop, start. I just repeat the cycle over and over. Even when everyone found out about it, everyone meaning my parents and at least 65% of the population at my school, I was only able to stop for so long. I rarely do it now, only once everyone month or two, but I still think about it a lot. I wish I had never done it, because it's impossible to forget once you've seen how wonderful it works.
I'm not saying because it's wonderful to do it, not at all. I would never ever recommend anyone do it, and if you're thinking of doing it, tell someone, and get help. It's one of the worst mistakes you could ever make.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

: )

I wasn't planning on posting again tonight, but now I'm going to, because I'm in an incredibly good mood!! I could cry, I'm so happy. Honestly.
Why? Because, a year or two ago I heard of the band Her Words Kill, so I downloaded a few songs by them, and there was one, With All The Grace, that I really really really loved. And, the laptop that I had that song on broke, and I lost all of the data, including that song. I had looked all over for that song again, and couldn't find it. Well, a few days ago, I spent three hours looking for it, unsuccessfully; or so I thought. I had decided to download some other songs by them, and about ten minutes ago, I was listening to the songs, and I decided to listen to one I had never heard before, Holland. Well, it turns out Holland and With All The Grace, are the same song!
Anyways, that's why I'm so happy. It definately made my week. This song will be on repeat for the next few days. : D
I haven't been this happy in a really long time! Haha.
Well, I hope everyone else's evening was as fantastic as mine!!!!!

Day Four.

Day Four: Seven things that cross my mind a lot.

1. School
2. Going to Europe.
3. The future.
4. Food.
5. My grandfather. (It's been almost five years since he passed away)
6. My brother.
7. Johnny.

Wow, I filled those quickly. There are so many more things that cross my mind a lot, haha.

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

I was going to write something positive today, wasn't I? Sorry, not gonna happen.
I was in a good mood this morning, but of course, that changed. It seems I'm almost always in a bad mood recently. Thankfully, winter break is coming up soon, or maybe not. I'll be stuck at home, with my mother, doing nothing but argue, until I go to my fathers for Christmas and have to pretend to like him. If it were possible, I would move out, but as a teen, with no lisence, no job, and still in school, that's not possible. Even with a job, I'd never be able to afford it on a teen salary. This isn't even what I had planned on complaining about... Haha, too many problems.
What I had been going to complain about.. I'm not sure how to describe it without telling too much information..I'll try my best. This has been happening since the beginning of summer.
Okay, let's say I know three people, H, R, and M.

M and R were dating. They broke up.
M said R was annoying and rude.
R said M was rude, but wanted to work things out. R tried to work things out with M.
M acted as if R didn't exist for almost two months.
I began hanging out with R as a friend.
M aknowledged R again. M said they only wanted to be friends and didn't know what they want.
R accepted that.
M said to R that they still liked them.
R liked M still too.
M would get mad at R when I hung out with R. M said R was going to like me.
While all of this was happening M was saying to me that R was annoying and they didn't want to be friends with them.
R stopped hanging out with me to make M happy.
M continued to say R was annoying.
R began talking to me again.
M and R continued talking about liking eachother.
R told me about still liking M.
M told me R was annoying.
I told M that R would never like me, for certain reasons, and told M not to tell R.
A few weeks later, R stopped talking to me. We still don't talk.

I learned a lot about M through R. Now, M, who thinks we are really close, has no idea that they drive me crazy, or that I know the truth about them. I don't want M in my life now.

Now the part involving H.
When M and R were dating, M would ditch R to see H. (R and H are boys) R would get upset, and tell M, and M would ignore it and continue to do so. M would hardly see R and always hang out with H. Of course R was jealous, but M did nothing about it. M let R be upset.
When R and I began hanging out, M was jealous, and R and M weren't even in a relationship, and M told R it upset them, and R tried to make things better, mostly by not talking to me.
It's exactly like what happened between H, M, and, R, except I'm now H, and M and R switched places.
But, where M was rude to R when R was jealous of H, and M did nothing, R tried to repair things and M was still unhappy.

All of this makes me mad, because M expects everyone to be nice and fair to them, while they treat everyone else like shit.

I hope all of that made sense.

Another thing about M is about a year ago, T liked M, and M only liked T as a friend. But T told M through an email about their feelings, and M said that they liked T as more than a friend too, as a fucking joke!
That's not a nice thing at all to do. M is manipulative, a liar, a total bitch, and still expects everyone to treat them nicely.

M pisses me off.

Day Three.

Day Three: Eight ways to win my heart.

1. You'd have to be able to make me laugh. (That's not hard though.)
2. You'd have to be kind. If you have something bad to say, try to say it in a nice way.
3. Be honest.
4. Don't try to control me.
5. Give me space when I ask for it.
6. Try not to interupt me. (I'm constantly being interupted by my friends, and it's so annoying. Haha)
7. Accept me for me.
8. Open up to me about your problems. (I hardly open up to people I'm close to about my problems, but I love when other open up to me.)

Monday, December 06, 2010

I wish I could think of a better title than this.

Well, I was going to make this into a more positive post, because people have been saying my blog has a very negative outlook, which is true, and I wanted people to know that I'm not completely negative. But I'm actually mad now. I'm going to try to continue on with a positive post, in a bad mood, but that may not go over well. XD Also, I'd like to say, this blog isn't about anything in particular, just me.
I won't mention names to be fair, the person will know I'm talking about them if I read this, but I don't give a fuck, no one else needs to know who it is, but, the reason I'm mad is, because I had met a guy online, and he was nice and pretty funny. He's from another continent I do believe, and we were somewhat friends. But he had always talked about liking me, and making me his (he knew about the guy I'm with, too) and when he realized that I'm not religious, he began trying to push his beliefs on me, so much. Which, of course, annoys me. I had tried to be nice, for quite some time, and everything really started to mess up last night. He was yet again trying to convince me of his religion. (He pretty much stopped trying to make me his when I was at Johnny's for the night, and he asked me to go on webcam, and saw that he was there as well) I really don't like when people try to change or control me, and he's done that a lot, so I got mad, said some rude things, and the conversation ended. Today, when he messaged me, I was still not okay with him again; still somewhat bitter, and it was apparent. He knew about the secrets that I have, and he always wants me to tell some to him, for pointless reasons, and I'm not comfortable telling him, which I said, and mentioned, as I have before, that I was trying to talk to someone else about them. He asked who it was, and I said Johnny, which I do believe I had mentioned before, and then this happened:

I said: Well, I don't feel comfortable telling you more (I had told him three that are unimortant, and that some people already probably know), they're secrets for a reason, and I am already trying to build up the courage to share them all with someone else.

He said: who is he?

I said: Johnny.

He said: ok have a good life with johnny

I said: What?

He said: i said enjoy ur life with johnny
u are not confortable to tell me more
so u are not oblige to talk to me

I said: You're fucking pathetic

And, I blocked him after that, and I'm pretty sure he blocked me. That guy just pisses me off so much! He's an idiot, and had expected that he would automatically come first in my life, and I'd leave others for him, and go back with him to his country! No offence to other countries, but I am Canadian; I want to live in Canada, and be religionless, and be with Johnny, not some guy I knew off the internet for a week or two. Well, I obviously don't need him in my life, all he does is start drama and arguing, something I rarely get with anyone else, besides my mother. But I'm a teenager, fighting with parents is normal.

I still want to write a positive post, but now that I've wrote this negative one, I will have to wait and write a positive one some other time. But, I promise, I will write one! Well, probably more than one throughout my blogging life. : P
I'm actually in a good mood now that I've ranted about that.
Well, bye! I'll try to make the positive post tomorrow. I don't think I'll be in school, I have personal health issues, well, that's how I'm going to describe it. I'm going to add a pretty picture!!!!

That's Clover, my fathers...4? year old beagle. She's not all that smart, but she's cute, and I love her!