I was going to wait until 2011 to post again, but I'm 3 hours away, and I don't feel like waiting; I want to write now. Mostly about two things, I think.
I'm becoming really distant recently, I think; maybe. I hardly talk to my friends, I don't try to talk to them, or even stay friends with them. I guess, I'm kind of getting closer to Vicki and Brandon in the sense that we talk more, but we don't talk about anything personal. I used to talk to Dani about my problems, she used to know me better than anyone else, well her and Matt. They used to be my bestfriends. So was Ali, but we never talked about really personal stuff as much. The only friends I really talk to now are Ali, Brandon, Vicki, Dani, and of course Johnny. But Ali and Johnny are the only ones I'm close to. I don't tell Ali my secrets, but we have similar intrests that I don't have with anyone else, and we're cousins. And, Johnny is the only person I'm honest about my feelings with. I used to be honest with Nathan too, we always got along well emotionally/psychologically, but we don't talk now. I'm starting to only think of Johnny, Ali, myself, my brother, and a few other relatives.
i still have fun with the other people, but I just don't feel like we're close friends, or anything.
Especially Dani. We used to be best friends, for four years, and now, she doesn't know me at all, and I don't know her at all. She has mentioned it a few times, and I just ignore it, because I know it's happening, but I just can't seem to care. I don't know why fully. I also don't want to say certain things.
I feel like I'm isolating myself too much and eventually I'll be completely alone. Johnny is the only person outside of my family that I'm close with. He's the only person I can talk to. I'm not sure what I'll do when we break up, like who I'll talk to. I need to talk to someone, or I'll just become a wreck. It's not him, like I'm not obsessed with him or need him in my life, just someone I can talk to and trust, someone who'll accept me for who I am and not judge me and care about me no matter what (to an extent). I don't care if it's a boy either, just a friend, or whatever. This is starting to change into the second thing I wanted to talk about...
I have homework to do this weekend, quite a bit, there's one thing I'm really worried about, and well, I've mentioned before how homework makes me feel (unhappy, negative, potentially harmful) And, Johnny is going to be gone away all weekend, and we wont speak, not even on msn, and we always at least talk on msn. And, since I have a lot of homework, and I wont have his positiveness for support, I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I sound pathetic...
But I really am worried. We haven't gone this long without talking in a long time, and I wasn't under stress then. And, I have no idea what to do when I get stressed this weekend. It's not like all of the 13 year olds who complain about not talking to their "future husbands" for 2 hours and are depressed; it has nothing to do with him being my boyfriend, it's just that he's the only person I can talk to, and I need to talk this weekend and I can't. Of course, I will miss him, but like I said before, I'm not obsessed with him. XD
When he first told me we wouldn't get to talk all weekend, I started crying XD And that lasted for probably 1.5 hours. I was actually that worried. I still am worried.
I hate homework so much. I hope next semester is easier. Learning is incredibly easy for me, it's homework that I find difficult, I don't even know why. I just find it so depressing. I like reading, writing, and learning, but I hate homework. XD
I hope this post makes sense and isn't all jumbled around...