Friday, December 31, 2010


I was going to wait until 2011 to post again, but I'm 3 hours away, and I don't feel like waiting; I want to write now. Mostly about two things, I think.
I'm becoming really distant recently, I think; maybe. I hardly talk to my friends, I don't try to talk to them, or even stay friends with them. I guess, I'm kind of getting closer to Vicki and Brandon in the sense that we talk more, but we don't talk about anything personal. I used to talk to Dani about my problems, she used to know me better than anyone else, well her and Matt. They used to be my bestfriends. So was Ali, but we never talked about really personal stuff as much. The only friends I really talk to now are Ali, Brandon, Vicki, Dani, and of course Johnny. But Ali and Johnny are the only ones I'm close to. I don't tell Ali my secrets, but we have similar intrests that I don't have with anyone else, and we're cousins. And, Johnny is the only person I'm honest about my feelings with. I used to be honest with Nathan too, we always got along well emotionally/psychologically, but we don't talk now. I'm starting to only think of Johnny, Ali, myself, my brother, and a few other relatives.
i still have fun with the other people, but I just don't feel like we're close friends, or anything.
Especially Dani. We used to be best friends, for four years, and now, she doesn't know me at all, and I don't know her at all. She has mentioned it a few times, and I just ignore it, because I know it's happening, but I just can't seem to care. I don't know why fully. I also don't want to say certain things.
I feel like I'm isolating myself too much and eventually I'll be completely alone. Johnny is the only person outside of my family that I'm close with. He's the only person I can talk to. I'm not sure what I'll do when we break up, like who I'll talk to. I need to talk to someone, or I'll just become a wreck. It's not him, like I'm not obsessed with him or need him in my life, just someone I can talk to and trust, someone who'll accept me for who I am and not judge me and care about me no matter what (to an extent). I don't care if it's a boy either, just a friend, or whatever. This is starting to change into the second thing I wanted to talk about...
I have homework to do this weekend, quite a bit, there's one thing I'm really worried about, and well, I've mentioned before how homework makes me feel (unhappy, negative, potentially harmful) And, Johnny is going to be gone away all weekend, and we wont speak, not even on msn, and we always at least talk on msn. And, since I have a lot of homework, and I wont have his positiveness for support, I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I sound pathetic...
But I really am worried. We haven't gone this long without talking in a long time, and I wasn't under stress then. And, I have no idea what to do when I get stressed this weekend. It's not like all of the 13 year olds who complain about not talking to their "future husbands" for 2 hours and are depressed; it has nothing to do with him being my boyfriend, it's just that he's the only person I can talk to, and I need to talk this weekend and I can't. Of course, I will miss him, but like I said before, I'm not obsessed with him.  XD
When he first told me we wouldn't get to talk all weekend, I started crying XD And that lasted for probably 1.5 hours. I was actually that worried. I still am worried.
I hate homework so much. I hope next semester is easier. Learning is incredibly easy for me, it's homework that I find difficult, I don't even know why. I just find it so depressing. I like reading, writing, and learning, but I hate homework. XD
I hope this post makes sense and isn't all jumbled around...


  1. Well, not to pry into your life, but I couldn't help noticing that when you were talking about Johnny, you said "when we break up". Was that just a non-intentional detail, or did you actually mean to say "when" instead of "if"?

  2. Hey, your blog is quite good and interesting. The template is awesome. Do check out mine's at
    Keep Writing :)

  3. Sami: Well, Johnny and I don't plan on being together forever or anything like that, so it's more of a "when" rather than "if." We both know there is a chance of us lasting, but it's not a big chance, especially at this age.
    Upasha: Thanks, and okay.

  4. I dont really know you but think I have a sense of what you're saying. Needing someone to talk to. I just moved to Alaska recently, and I go to school on a base, and the school is considered one of the top ten hardest high schools in the country... Now that's hard considering I can from a little hick town school. So homework takes up all my time to the extent I literally have NO friends. My friends back home don't talk to me and everyone here just stares at me.
    So I have no one.
    I turn to my blog when I need someone to talk to... if I have time.
    Just think he IS coming back. What are you so worried about?
    Plus, if you do get your homework done wouldn't it just be more free time to talk to him when he gets back?

  5. KaceeL7: You do have a good point about him coming back. I just really worry about what I'd do if I got stressed and he wasn't there for me to possibly talk to. Like, I worry about what I would do if I got stressed enough. And, he's actually coming back sooner than expected; he's supposed to be here tomorrow around 11 or 12. Which is good, but I'll have to do homework while he's here, which is bad (boring) for him, but good for me, because I wont be as stressed if he's here. He says he can just watch movies while I do it, but I still feel kind of bad for him.
    And I can't imagine what it would be like to go through what you're going through, I honestly don't know what I'd do. It must be so hard..

  6. hey then! get your homework done so he doesn't have to go through that! Surprise him! :D why not?
    Don't let yourself get stressed... if you get confused ask the teachers... thats what there for!!!
    Let me know if you want to see my blog, and I'll add you to my permissions list.

  7. If I had enough time, I would have finished it all so he wouldn't have to deal with it, but it's taking all weekend to do it. I'm able to do some before he gets here, and I have tomorrow to do it as well before going back to school on Tuesday.
    And it's not that I don't understand the homework, I know how to do it all, it's just time consuming, and finding information can be hard. Where I'm in the Advanced English class, I also worry that my work isn't good enough for the teacher, which sresses me out. I shouldn't worry about that though, I get good marks in the class, I just expect the worst for myself.
    And, that would be cool. Do you need my email adress to do that?

  8. haha totally understand what your coming from with the worrying the work isn't good enough for the teacher. I make my work time consuming over that stupid thought. I check it over and over. One sentence answers turn into paragraphs... it sucks lol im such a nerd.
    Not to mention since my grades were so good they turned a couple of my classes into junior classes when im only a sophmore, and put my other classes to honors... im going to die...
    At least your dedicated :D

    Its good that he is there for you that he helps you from going insane haha I wish I had that.

    Yes, i do need an email address.

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  10. And I'm the same way with reading stuff over several times, and making sentences into long paragraphes. I was actually really bad with that in History last year, but I had a good mark in the class, so I guess that's all that really matters.

  11. k so i added you to the permissions it should send the invite to your email.