Tuesday, December 21, 2010


All of my posts recently have been pretty positive, which is kind of funny, seeing as I've been in a horrible mood for a few weeks now. Well, I've been happy, but for the most part I've been mad/upset. I guess I've just never thought to write about my emotions, which is why I made this blog in the first place... I can't even think of what to write right now without going overboard. I've spent about 15 minutes writing this little bit. It's now been half an hour, and all I want to do is sleep, just thinking exhausts me. But I really want to make this post, or at least, I think I should; like I said, I'd rather sleep.
I have no motivation for anything. I haven't done any school work yet, I don't know when I'll get it done. I'm not doing anything productive, all I've been doing so far on Winter Break is mostly just thinking, sleeping, and doing pointless things on the internet to waste time.
I was frustrated when Johnny was here about the telescope, and then, and still somewhat now, I'm worried that he'll think I'm crazy and leave me (though I honestly wouldn't blame him; I don't think I could handle being with someone like me) I'm really worried that we might have an arguement or something. I know eventually we will agrue, but we haven't yet, and I don't want to.
I've been dinstancing from everyone a lot recently, but Johnny and I had been getting closer, but now I feel like we're distancing, too. I don't think I've ever been this alone before to be honest. But I've put myself here. The only people I care about are my brother, three cousins, an aunt, my mom (kind of), and Johnny right now. Everyone else, I just don't have time to care about them. Brandon and Vicki are still somewhat there, I'm trying to be close and stay close to them, but it's hard.
I'm only really happy now sometimes when Johnny is here, and last night, I was incredibly happy...because I cut. I hadn't been that happy in a while, I was so happy that I was almost crying. I was smiling hugely, laughing, and joking around, and just happy and all of my problems didn't exist then. This is how I used to end up with hundreds of open wounds at once, in order to be that happy, I have to cut at least once a day (once meaning one session, approximately three cuts) And, I used to cut daily, I was happy then too, even though my arm was riddled in cuts. It would be so full, I'd have no choice but to go to my leg. I use my leg now so I can wear t-shirts. Everyone knows I hate shorts, so of course I'm going to be wearing long pants always. No one even suspects it, other than Johnny, who knows.
He doesn't know I did it last night, though I should tell him... unless I can avoid seeing him for a week or so. The last time I cut, he never even noticed (I told him later though) I had been able to stay away from him until they were almost healed, then I kept them facing the opposite direction, or somewhere he wouldn't look, whenever he saw my leg. There were only a few then, though. This time, there's 21.
I hate how I can't be truly happy without harming myself. I want to be able to be happy, but I don't know how. I don't even know why cutting makes me so happy. Is it normal to be incredibly happy from doing it?
It feels kind of like how I would imagine being high feels, maybe.
I know I'm going to start cutting more again, and I really don't want to; for Johnny, and in case I get caught again. I guess it's good that I'm becoming more distant from everyone, it makes cutting easier. Even with Johnny, if he weren't around, no one who I know in real life, would even know I started again and that it's getting worse, again.
And, the problem I mentioned before, with M, that's still bothering me, lots. And they've noticed, and are trying to repair our friendship, but it's too far gone, and I know far too much; it's not repairable. I don't even want to try.
That's all I can think of that's bothering me right now...
I'm exhausted..


  1. Cutting is a strange way to make you happy... you might be right, maybe it makes you high or something, but to be honest I find it a bit weird (no offense).
    Personally, just physically smiling at any time makes me more positive overall. I recommend trying it.

    And if you're bored, or have no motivation, you can look on for a Wiki about something you might like to contribute to. They have Wikis about everything, games, TV shows... probably chairs as well...

    Anyway, I hope you feel better soon. Without cutting, that is.

  2. You started doing it again?
    You might be feeling happy right now but later when you look back at all the scars you inflicted upon yourself you'll feel horribly guilty.
    You keep going on about the people you care for. Well, there are people who truly care about YOU. By hurting yourself you're hurting them. So you should be a little bit less selfish and think about how worried people who love you would feel. Please.
    How would you feel in a few years time, you found out your Brother cut himself?
    Think about it.
    The happiness you receive from it is only temporary. Please don't hurt yourself. I don't even know you personally and I still feel terrible about what you're doing to yourself, I can't imagine how Johnny or anyone else who knows will feel.
    Stop before it gets worse.

  3. Sami: I don't find that offensive, I know it's not normal. And, I'll try smiling more often, maybe it'll help.
    I used to write a lot. I have five chapters written on a book I had thought about writing for fun. I have more to add on that I wrote on paper on my bedroom floor, I slip on it almost everyday. I used to read a lot more too, and learn about nutrition, and I was somewhat involved with animal rights. I could maybe try doing some of those things again.

    PurpleMist: I know I could, in the future look back and feel guilty. Looking at the scars I've made in the last four years mostly only makes me want to do it more, or embarrassed around others. I'm forever trying to keep them hidden, which can be hard, seeing as the cover my entire bottom half of my right arm. I know it's selfish to do it when there are people who don't want me to. Johnny accepts it, he says that he understands that everyone has bad habits, and that's mine. He doesn't try to make me stop, but if I wanted to stop, I do believe he'd help as much as he could.
    The only people who know right now are anyone who's read it here, and Johnny. I have friends who know I used to do it, but I don't tell them now, so it's not a burrden.