All of my posts recently have been pretty positive, which is kind of funny, seeing as I've been in a horrible mood for a few weeks now. Well, I've been happy, but for the most part I've been mad/upset. I guess I've just never thought to write about my emotions, which is why I made this blog in the first place... I can't even think of what to write right now without going overboard. I've spent about 15 minutes writing this little bit. It's now been half an hour, and all I want to do is sleep, just thinking exhausts me. But I really want to make this post, or at least, I think I should; like I said, I'd rather sleep.
I have no motivation for anything. I haven't done any school work yet, I don't know when I'll get it done. I'm not doing anything productive, all I've been doing so far on Winter Break is mostly just thinking, sleeping, and doing pointless things on the internet to waste time.
I was frustrated when Johnny was here about the telescope, and then, and still somewhat now, I'm worried that he'll think I'm crazy and leave me (though I honestly wouldn't blame him; I don't think I could handle being with someone like me) I'm really worried that we might have an arguement or something. I know eventually we will agrue, but we haven't yet, and I don't want to.
I've been dinstancing from everyone a lot recently, but Johnny and I had been getting closer, but now I feel like we're distancing, too. I don't think I've ever been this alone before to be honest. But I've put myself here. The only people I care about are my brother, three cousins, an aunt, my mom (kind of), and Johnny right now. Everyone else, I just don't have time to care about them. Brandon and Vicki are still somewhat there, I'm trying to be close and stay close to them, but it's hard.
I'm only really happy now sometimes when Johnny is here, and last night, I was incredibly happy...because I cut. I hadn't been that happy in a while, I was so happy that I was almost crying. I was smiling hugely, laughing, and joking around, and just happy and all of my problems didn't exist then. This is how I used to end up with hundreds of open wounds at once, in order to be that happy, I have to cut at least once a day (once meaning one session, approximately three cuts) And, I used to cut daily, I was happy then too, even though my arm was riddled in cuts. It would be so full, I'd have no choice but to go to my leg. I use my leg now so I can wear t-shirts. Everyone knows I hate shorts, so of course I'm going to be wearing long pants always. No one even suspects it, other than Johnny, who knows.
He doesn't know I did it last night, though I should tell him... unless I can avoid seeing him for a week or so. The last time I cut, he never even noticed (I told him later though) I had been able to stay away from him until they were almost healed, then I kept them facing the opposite direction, or somewhere he wouldn't look, whenever he saw my leg. There were only a few then, though. This time, there's 21.
I hate how I can't be truly happy without harming myself. I want to be able to be happy, but I don't know how. I don't even know why cutting makes me so happy. Is it normal to be incredibly happy from doing it?
It feels kind of like how I would imagine being high feels, maybe.
I know I'm going to start cutting more again, and I really don't want to; for Johnny, and in case I get caught again. I guess it's good that I'm becoming more distant from everyone, it makes cutting easier. Even with Johnny, if he weren't around, no one who I know in real life, would even know I started again and that it's getting worse, again.
And, the problem I mentioned before, with M, that's still bothering me, lots. And they've noticed, and are trying to repair our friendship, but it's too far gone, and I know far too much; it's not repairable. I don't even want to try.
That's all I can think of that's bothering me right now...