Thursday, March 31, 2011


I don't really know what to post about, but I'm trying to post more often, so I'm posting...
A few more of my friends did that note on Facebook I was talking about a few posts ago. One, was a girl who I'm not too close with, but I think I'm the one she said she'd like to be friends with. She was in my History class last year, it was pretty fun. I loved that class. And, one friend either didn't tag me or say anything to me. I really don't care though. XD And the other was a pretty good friend of mine, who said       "You are definitely one of my best friends, whether you think I am one of yours or not. You always make me laugh, and feel happy. You were there when I needed you to be, even though all we talk about is a joke related things, you know when I am serious or not. You have a lot of mood swings, which annoys me, but I know no one’s life is perfect, and I respect your space when I notice. You should learn to trust me easily, even though I understand why you don’t."
It's kind of weird, because well, Johnny is my only best friend, and I never noticed that I was ever there for her... Or that I had obvious mood swings. Like, I notice when my mood changes, but I never thought it was obvious; I try to hide it and always seem happy. I guess it doesn't fully work.
Johnny is probably coming over some time this weekend. I think he may have been planning to today, becuase he asked if my mom was working, but she's not. And we both like it more when we're here alone. With me, it's especially since we broke up. I don't like my mom likes or understands our friendship. Not that I care, I just dont want her around him, or he and I when we're together.
In Yoga today, the theme was how we see ourselves, and body image, etc. The teacher had 4 signs up around the room. One saying Always, one saying Never, one saying Most of the time, and one saying Rarely. Then she's ask us questions about our body image, etc. I was never an always or a never. I was rarely for positive ones, and Most of the time for negative ones. I was never alone, luckily. The smalled group was, for the question "do you diet a lot to control your body weight?" and there were only three of us there under most of the time, and I think maybe similar numbers there for how much do you watch what you take in, like calories. I was going to go to Always, becuase it is usually always, but I didn't want to be alone, and it isn't every single time, so I stayed under most of the time.
Tomorrow for Yoga we have another Yoga instructor coming in to practice with us, a girl or teacher of our regular teacher, so we can get used to having other instructors other than just our teacher. I think it will be fun. I'm thinking about continuing going to Yoga classes after the semester ends, like at a facility in town or something. There was one I was looking at that seemed good, and it offered Flow classes, which is the type of Yoga I like, so I'd be doing that. Maybe. I wouldn't want to go alone, and my mother couldn't handle Flow yoga. One of my friends would maybe go. If any, it would be a friend from my class, probably. XD

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


I'm so useless right now. I have been for about three and a half weeks. Since we broke up. I can't force myself to do anything productive, or any of the things I need to do. I have a kind of big project due tomorrow in Global History, and I hardly started it. And I don't think I'll work on it at all tonight. I never want to do anything now. I hardly care about anything. I care about Johnny, my rats, my other pets (who I hardly see now, because I'm held up in my room, and with the rats here, they can't come in for a while), and that's about it. I never clean my room, I'm doing even worse in Chemistry, I don't do homework, I hardly talk to anyone, and all I think about is him. I know that I should at least be keeping up in school, but just the thought of it makes me depressed and sad, and then it's even more impossible to do.
I had to go to the school at 6:30 for a meeting for the Europe trip I'm going on with some of the other students in 2012. My mother and father both had to be there to sign a document. And Oliver was there too, so it was nice that I got to see him. I had already been kind of sad, because on the way there my mother and I saw a house completely on fire, and that somehow made me sad about Johnny, and then when we were leaving the school, Oliver yelled by from across the parking lot, and all I did was wave, and I don't even know if he saw it. I wasn't really thinking. I should and at least got out of the vehicle and waved or said good bye or something.. rather than hardly move, and wave slowly.
I messaged Johnny as soon as I got home, but I think he's busy because after a few minutes he said "Oh hey" which he never says, and he I asked how he was, and it's been half an hour and he hasn't responded. I really want to talk to him. But I'm not going to bug him if he's busy, so I'll just wait for a response I guess. On Facebook chat, he has they grey circle, which means he's away, or hasn't been active for a while or something. He was writing earlier, so he may be doing that now. It would make sense. I don't really know what to say. There's a lot to say, but I want to say it to him, so I might write about it later in the notebook where I write to him. I don't know if I should say it all to him, I'd just sound incredibly depressed. But, he is the best person to talk to about my problems. He's good at making me feel better.
I'm going to go shower now, I have nothing else I'm able to do..

Monday, March 28, 2011


I want to try to start posting daily again.. but there's a good chance that wont happen. The main reason I'm posting now is to procrastinate doing homework..
That thing that I wanted to talk to Johnny about yesterday, we talked about a bit today. I'm still going to think about it a lot, but maybe a bit less. He said it would probabl still have ended eventually. So I guess I should be happy with how it ended now, like that we're still able to be really good friends, and that we're still able to talk for hours daily, and hang out weekly.
A few minutes ago, I bent down to see Shane and Mikey and Mikey was sniffing, and of course, licking and nibbling my finger (he always does that!) so I gave him a treat, and he took it from my hand and ate it, and then Shane wanted one, so I gave him one, and he took it from my hand too. I had to help him get his, because it was kind of titled and hard to get in his mouth. XD They're getting more friendly and used to me, which I like.
Last night I wrote a note on Facebook where you have to say whatever you want to 20 different people. I was talking to Johnny while writing it, and we were talking about it again today, and he was talking about how honest I was in it. XD I tagged a few people in it, so far only Johnny and my friend Vicki know which ones are about them. The others could guess, one doesn't even want to. XD Most of the things I said are pretty bad. None except Johnny's were obvious. He's number 9. I did it in alphabetical order.. Here's the note:
Without saying names, say whatever you want to say to twenty different people:
1. You're so fake, you pretend to care about stuff, and think a certain way to be cool. You do what others want you to do. And when you do what you want to do, all you do is hurt or piss people off. You're incredibly annoying, and most people think that, so why haven't you noticed? Just give up already, hardly anyone cares about you, for good reasons. You hate me now, because I was better than you, and I came out on top, while you were stuck at the bottom. But I was always there for you until things completely ended with us, you weren't there for me; all you did was lie to me and use me.
2. You seem like a really good person. You're funny, and kind, and human. I'd like to be friends with you, or get to know you better, but I don't think either of us are confident enough to talk to eachother. XD
3. We used to be really close, and now we rarely talk, we haven't talked in about a year. We still care about eachother, but I hardly know you, and you hardly know me.
4. We're friends, but we hardly know eachother. Anything you know about me you've heard from others. You're funny, but I don't think I'd ever talk to you about anything too serious. We aren't close at all.
5. You're even more fake than #1, and honestly a huge, attention seeking slut. I don't care about you, my friends don't care about you, hardly anyone cares about you, and you brought it all upon yourself, so stop lying, and stop complaining, and stop trying to get attention, and maybe then you'll get real friend.
6. We're friends. You're nice, but you're not a very deep person. No matter how hard I try to have a conversation with you, they're all pretty boring. And we're really different, I don't even think you'd like half the things I do, or agree with half the things I do.
7. Maybe a warning would have been nice. They have the same name, and you act like it's no big deal.
8. You, as well, are fake. And a bitch. You act like you know everything when you don't, and then put others down for not knowing something else. You don't even realise how much you are making everyone hate you, and how horrible of a person you truly are.
9. You're truly the most amazing person I've ever met. You're incredibly unique, and funny, smart, caring, etc. I'm more myself around you than anyone, and I trust you more than I've trusted anyone else in quite a while. Anyone who doesn't see you as the great person you are is completely blind, or not lucky enough to know you well. I don't know if you know or not, but I do need you. I could say a lot more, but you already know almost everything I have to say.
10. I hated you for the longest time, but you proved you changed, and you apologized. Yeah, I don't agree with all of your opinions, actions, etc. but you're a lot better than he's ever been.
11. You're an incredibly nice person. Even though I don't want you out of my life, I want you out of his; you deserve a lot better.
12. You're such a self-absorbed asshole. I truly do hate you, no matter how much you say I don't. There's no way to fix all of the stuff you've ruined, so stop trying and leave me alone. I'm better off without you.
13. You want me to tell you stuff, and you expect me to, but how can I when I know you're just going to go off and tell a bunch of people about it? And, you're always telling me to be nicer, when you criticize just about everyone you see. No one and nothing is good enough for you, yet you're nowhere near perfect. Everyone's different, just accept that, and focus on your life.
14. I used to think you were so cool, but now you're just too stupid, stubborn, and expect too much from everyone. Leave.
15. You're so fucked up. I don't even know what to say. You put everyone else down, and treat everyone like complete shit, because no one is good enough for you. You have a certain way you think everyone should live their lives, yet the majority of people don't live that way. You get so mad over everything. Just to stay friends with you, I had to almost completely lie about myself, just so you wouldn't critisize me too. But there is one thing we have in common that I liked, but there are other people who can relate, too, so you don't matter to me. And, everyone who's known you, ends up hating you, because you ruin them, and control them, and treat them bad. You're a parasite.
16. I love you, so much. But I don't like who you're turning into. I don't like your influences. I don't have much control over who you are, and who you become, all I can do is hope you turn out okay.
17. We've had our ups and downs. I try to get closer to you, but I need people who I can be close to, and serious with, not people who I spend all the time joking with, and that's hard with you, and most of my friends... I want real friends, not jokers. It's just awkward when I try to be serious with you, like you don't know what to say and feel bad, and I don't want that.
18. You're a pathetic asshole. Your level of immaturity is surprisingly low. You only care about yourself, you don't even spend time with your family.
19. You've been there for me a lot. And, I try to open up, but I always feel like you're going to tell someone, and even if it's for the best, if I want them knowing, I'll tell them. And because of that, I have a hard time trusting you. But at least we're able to have a conversation that doesn't consist of only jokes.
20. You really understand the parts of me that others don't. Like, not the serious or deep stuff, but the interesting and creative stuff. I do completely trust you, but I don't feel right telling you about my problems, because your life seems so problem free.

Sunday, March 27, 2011


It's been 9 days since I last posted.. I'm getting worse and worse with this. But, I really just hardly give a fuck about anything anymore. Since the break up, I've honestly changed so so much. It's almost like I'm a completely different person. I feel different.
On Friday, I got two, two month old rats, who I've since named Michael and Shane. They're both black, their only physical difference is Michael has more white on his tale than Shane. I named them after two book characters from the Morganville Vampire series, those two are best friends in the series. They're still kind of shy, but they are coming around a lot more. Michael liked licking me.
I also got two books on the universe which can help me with my global history project. I'm falling pretty far behind in my class work. Which, is bad, and I am still trying to catch up, but it's hard.
Johnny was here for a few hours yesterday. We watched Shutter Island, which was interesting, and kind of scary, but not scary enough. Like, it was only scary because he didn't know he was insane until the end, and I feel like that, or kind of like that sometimes. Like, if what 'm seeing and hearing, etc. is really real or if I'm insane or something. I don't trust my own mind a lot at all, really. I haven't for years. We planned to sometime go to his house and watch a few scary movies one day, so hopefully I spend the night. I can't sleep alone after watching scary movies. XD
I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I've been thinking a lot recently on how Johnny and I never reached the full potential in our relationship. I'm almost constantly thinking about it, and how things could possibly be if we had. I blame myself for it not happening, because I was always so afraid of getting hurt, and 101% commiting myself to reaching the full potential. I've been wanting to tell him about it for a while, but'I've been to afraid to push him away, annoy him, or hear what I'll probably hear. Like, if I don't mention it, then I'll never know what his thoughts on it would be, and I probably don't want to know. At least this way I can lie to myself and say things could have been a lot better and if he knew, maybe he'd want to try to reach full potential, but deep down, I know that wont happen. So, I either never know, and lie to myself, or tell him, probably get hurt, but not have to constantly wonder about it. He's in the capital of the province with his father right now, but I think when he gets back, whenever that it, later tonight I will tell him. I told his earlier today that there as something I wanted to tell him, this being it.
One of the main reasons I got rats is because I've wanted them for a long time, and they can be friendly, and their smart, so I'm hoping they can kind of be like a hobby for me so i'm not just constantly thinking about things that I shouldn't think about.
It's been a really long time since I last cut, and I don't really want to think about that much, becausr thinking  about it makes me want to do it. The main reason I don't do it is because of Johnny; because I don't want him to have to see them. He's the only person who ever sees my legs, so I never have to worry about anyone else seeing them, unless I was upside down in yoga, and my pants slipped towards the ground, and up my leg. XD But, I have tights I could wear, which wouldn't slip.
I zone out a lot more in school now, and when I'm walking in the hallways I feel like I'm dead. I just slowly walk around, only half paying attention, half zoned out, and like I don't care about anything or notice much, I side-walk into the walls a lot, and lean on them so I don't have to hold myself up. I probably look like I'm on some kind of drug. All of the people in the schoollt hat I know that do drugs quite a bit are like that, except less dramatic.
My jokes with my friends have taken more of a negative aspect, like my jokes are more mean, I dont mean it, I just say mean stuff, then laugh as if I'm joking, when really I'm just saying whatever, and then pretending to smile or laugh. I don't really care about whatever conversation they're having, I just don't want to seem like a zombie. Or like I'm on drugs.
My friends all hate drugs. That's why a few didn't like Johnny a lot, because he smokes weed. So, that would be another reason for them to think I was on drugs, because I was with him and he could have convinced me to do drugs. With my last boyfriend, he smoked, so my friends started thinking I smoked, which is stupid; I don't smoke, I don't at all want to. I actually have smoked weed with Johnny a few times, well, three, but only on weekends when I'm spending the night at his house. I didn't tell anyone I did. He may have told his friends, but they don't talk to mine, so oh well. On a Facebook note today, I actually admitted to it. Because even if my friends find out, right now, I don't really care. It's not like I'm like that in school. Even though now I end up momentarily feeling high a lot, even in school, but it goes away in like three seconds, it could easily be me just going from my little inner world, to the realy one all around me, and getting confused and everything blending together. I was talking to one of my friends in school about it, but I never admitted to how I knew what it was like to be high, because he wouldn't like it, so I described it as a contact high, because it only happens in school, when I'm wearing my contacts, and told him it could be from chemicals in the contacts, which, I guess it could be. But I don't really care about what it is. It keeps me amused in Chemistry, which, I've accepted that I'm going to completely fail. Unless I get a tutor. Because the teacher completely sucks at teaching. He's so stupid. He should retire. He's old. He used to be my favourite teacher, but now, he's just so damn stupid it makes me hate him.
Yesterday my mother and I went to get groceries, and afterwards she went to A&W to order fries, and when she was ordering it, she started laughing because she had to ask if they came in different sizes, and then when we got to the window, she was still laughing, over, I don't remember what, and it was really awkward, because by then, while she was trying to pay and get the food from the guy, we were both there just laughing, and she could hardly talk.
I really dont want to go to school tomorrow. It's not the typical I-dont-want-to-go-to-school feeling, it's I'm sad and empty feeling and I don't want to go around bubbly happy people. Everyone in school pisses me off or makes me feel awkard. I always make eye contact with the people I dont want to make eye contact with. Like, Johnny's friend. Whenever we're walking in the hallway, in a similar way (which was mentioned earlier) we always make eye contact, and his other friend, I make eye contact with him like at least 10 times a day, and neither of us always looks away, becuase if I look away quickly it just feels more awkward. There are others I make eye contact with too, but I cant think of them right now.
It's been three weeks today since Johnny and I broke up.
I probably have more I could write about, but I've already written a lot and can't really think straight right now... so I'll go eat or something..or maybe do my homework. I don't know. Whatever.

Friday, March 18, 2011


I've been really horrible with posting recently. My goal had been in the beginning to post every day or second day. It's been 4 or 5 days now. I have pretty much nothing to say either. I have homework that really needs to be done, and only three days left to do it. I go back to school on Monday. I am really not looking forward to it. At all. I don't want to see my "friends." They aren't even really all that good of friends, like we joke about stuff, but that's it. They barely know me, and I barely know them. I'm sick of being friends with people who hardly matter to me. But, I have no one else in school to hang out with, so it's with them, or be alone, which would cause me to think too much, and make school even more difficult. I had been talking to Johnny about it. And he was talking about me trying to make new friends that would be better friends, but we both know I'm not the type to do that. He's the only really good friend that I have. I have my cousin, too, but we don't talk about serious stuff much. And, then there's the other friend who I had been talking about the break up with a bit, but I have a feeling that she's secretly been telling Johnny stuff, well, I have reason to feel that way, so I haven't really been talking to her much now. And definately not about the break up. Even though I do need to see if I can get her to print something off for me some day soon, because my laptop doesn't work with my mothers printer, and she doesn't have the program I used, but my friend does, so hopefully I can print the stuff off there. It's for my grandmother.
I haven't been sleeping good recently. Ever since I went to Johnny's Sunday night, and stayed up until 3, I haven't been getting tired until 3 most nights. Or, even if I'm not tired, I cant force myself to sleep until 2 or 3. Hopefully over the next few nights, that goes back to normal, for when school comes.
Last night, for probably an hour or so, Johnny and I went over more "rules" for our friendship now. They arent really rules, and he doesn't use that term, but it makes the most sense. It's things we can and cant do now, and things we need to tone down. And, also just to straighten things out, like how I say something that to him is "girlfriendly" even though I can and do say/mean it in only a friendly way. Like, I'm closer with him than I've been with anyone else, and I'm comfortable saying anythign to him, so I say stuff that I could have felt with other close friends before, and just not be comfortable enough to say. But, I'm comfortable saying it to him. So, I think telling him that made him feel a little better, and help to realize I'm not obsessed, and that I just care. Over time I think he'll be better able to understand me meaning it in a friendly way; hopefully. It's going to take time for us being friends to become natural again...

Sunday, March 13, 2011


Well, a year ago today, was the first day Johnny and I ever talked! I've been pretty excited about it for the last few days, well, last few months, but more so as it got closer. It's also a week since we broke up, but I'm more interested in knowing him for a whole year. I made him a card. I was kind of sad that we wouldn't be able to hang out on this special day, but around 4 today, he invited me over for the night tonight, so when my mother gets hom at 8 or 9 she's driving me over.
When he was here for the night Wednesday night, we had quite a bit of fun. We watched The Perfect Getaway (I think that's what it's called... it's about a honey moon couple in Hawaii with a murderous couple) I almost screamed three times, I made noise, but not enough to be considered a scream. XD And we also watched Spice World and Sherlocke Holmes.
I guess we're kind of friends with benefits now, which I think will help me get over him with less pain involved. Like, we still slightly seem like we're together while I know we aren't, so it's not like he's completely gone. Not that he would be if we didn't have the "with benefits" part. He still wants to be close friends, and I'm starting to get used to calling him my best friend now. And, he is my bestfriend. I'm not as sad as I was since the first sleepover. It went really well, and I didn't cry. It's kind of funny how this started, well, I had mentioned it a few days ago, half joking, half being serious, and then when he was here, we were on my couch, and he was laying down, and I was sitting on the edge, and when we were watching The Perfect Getaway, he started kicking me. After a while I stopped hitting his foot, and he just laid his foot against my leg. And after a while my hand ended up on his foot, and he was rubbing my leg with his foot, and I was rubbing his foot with my hand. And we kept glancing at eachother. XD After a while, he asked me to turn the light off in the other room so it was darker, so I did, which meant the entire house was pitch black, excpet the light coming from the tv playing the kind of scary movie. And, since I was on the edge closest to the door, I moved in closer to him, to be farther from the door so no monsters could come out of the darkness behind me and grab me. It's a common fear! And, after a while he sat up too, and slowly moved closer, until we were about half a foot apart, just when the movie was getting scary. And I kept looking away, because I was scared, and he told me I could move closer, or maybe touch or hold him in some way, if  was scared, so I moved closer and hugged his arm. And then after the movie was over we talked more about it.
At one point during the movie, when I got scared, usually I might over my eyes, but I was wearing my glasses this time, and instead of covering my eyes, I ripped my glasses off. XD Of course, it also impares my vision, but seriously, who rips their glasses off in fright? Me... This reminds me of a time at my cousins birthday, she had 8 or so girls over, me being one, and she had been trying to scare me and the other two most easily scared girls the whole night while we were outside around a bon fire. At one point I warned one of the others of her sneeking up in the dark, and then she promised that friend she's scare her really good later that night.
And then later that night, he somehow managed with 3 of the other girls, her mom, her moms friend, and her two dogs to set up a prank as if there was a murderer in the woods trying to kidnap us. There had originally been 4 girls helping her, but one didn't know the adults were in on it, and when she saw an "old man" (who was really a 26 year old woman dressed up) walking in the woods, she thought it was real and came in to tell us. So, we all thought there was a murderer in the woods. And, at one point, we heard someone walking up the steps onto the second level of her back deck, so we all ran into the living room to find places to hide. And the others had found pretty good hiding places, but we could all see a shadow on the wall coming in from the kitchen, and then they came into the living room, and I screamed and jumped onto the couch and covered my face... I was in plain sight.
I do such weird things when scared. I once threw my laptop, and I also once jumped towards the TV when a movie scared me...
Today's the first day since the break up that I haven't cried, which I guess is a good thing. Before we hung out, I was really really upset, but since hanging out, it's been better. I know if we had broken up and not decided to be friends, I'd still be in horrible condition, but we're still really close friends, so it's not as bad, and hanging out with him really helps.
I do get jealous a lot, of other girls. Which, is probably normal, like I do worry that eventually he'll find another girl, and not want to be my friend, even though we've already talked about staying friends when we're with other people, well mostly how when he gets another girlfriend, I have to stop complimenting him so much. Like, I still compliment him a lot, but he says if I continue complimenting him how I do know, he'd feel like he was cheating, like emotionally cheating, so of course I'll tone it down. I wont stop though, like every once in a while, when the times right, or when he's upset I will, to let him know that I care and that's he's a really good person. I can still help him with stuff, and do stuff for him, and hopefully still get/make him things! Like, I probably wont like that he has a girlfriend, but I will want him to be happy, therefore, I wont interfere in his relatioship, unless she was bad for him and he didn't notice or something like that. It's 7:40... I should be getting ready to go to his house soon, but I'm too lazy right now..
While he was here Thursday, that morning, while he was sleeping, I made a Neopets account, and made a neopet after him. I've been on there a lot since... doing stuff for his neopet-self. He loves reading on there, but hates it in real life. XD He thinks I'm a loser for making a Neopets account, but I love it! And he doens't hate it, he just thinks I'm weird, but he always has.
I want to continue writing, but I don't have much to say, or the time to say it, so I'll just go.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011


That's a worried face, not the number eighty.. well, it's both. But I'm using it as a worried face.
Like an hour ago, Johnny and I were talking on MSN, and he mentioned that he was going to jam in a neighboring town with some friends, and that we was going back tomorrow, or something like that. (I didn't really understand) But, he asked if he could come over for the night tonight, and spend the night. I said yes of course, because I want to see him. But, then again, I know it's going to be hard to see him and still be happy, and not cry. He's coming over as a friend. And, I knew he was planning on coming over during March Break to play Super Mario World with me (which is probably the only game I am better than him at in existance, other than the Sims and Harvest Moon XD) But, I never expected him to be coming over so soon, especially for the night. I know it will probably be hard for me, but I want to make the best of it. My mom says it's a bad idea and I shouldn't do it, and that it will only hurt me more, but I need to get used to it eventually, anyways. And, when he drove me home Sunday night, through the crying, we had a good conversation, kind of. I remember talking about names, and how he knows 1 other person named Johnny, and how I know 11 other Katelyn's, mostly spelled the same way too, then we talked about all of the variations, and he had to guess how to spell my name... but he never uses it, he's known me by my nick name since the day we met, which will be a year ago this... Saturday I think. The 13th..
But, he knows that I'm still upset about the break up, and he said he didn't have to come, but I told him he could anyways. And he wont be here until 9:00, so if I'm too sad, I can fall asleep at 11:00, he'd be used to it. Quite often by 11:30, I can't even keep my eyes open, when we're together, so yeah.. XD
And, it's a lot easier for him to come here, because from here to where he's going is like a 15 minute drive, and from my house to his is another 45 minutes, so rather than driving an hour to get home, at night, he's coming it. It saves time and gas, and it's a lot safer, because there are street lights arund here, but for most of the drive to his house, there's hardly any. There's from my house.... five, I do believe, on the 45 minute drive from my house to his. So, not many. And one's right across frm my house, and one's really close to his. One is right across from my father's house too.
I'm making a carrot cake. I don't know if I like carrot cake, but Johnny might, so I'm making it, and if he does, he can have some, because I don't know if anyone else in the house likes it... And, with the icing on it, I can't even eat it, because of milk or eggs. But, there is some icing left over from a cake I made last week, so I might put that on a 1/5 of it or something and see if I like it. XD
Since Johnny's coming over I have to clean my room, clean myself, well I am clean, but I don't look presentable, or even healthy right now... and maybe eat. Since the break up, I've gone a day without eating, a day with some pineapple, a piece of toast, some vegetables, rice, and veggie bacon, and a day with a really small bowl of rice, and today my mom made me toast and veggie bacon, and I ate one and a half pieces of toast, and two pieces of veggie bacon. It's not much, but I hate eating when I'm upset. But, I have low blood pressure, and I've been really dizzy the last few days... I almost got sick too. I've mostly been living off juice, but I don't have much juice either...
I went to my school today to pass in my course registration form and get some stuff from my locker. I saw two of my friends there, one called my name and waved, and I lifted my hand in responce, but didn\t really wave. Luckily they didn't try to talk to me, because I wanted out of there as soon as possible. I was in there for like 5 minutes at the most.
I've been talking to one of my friends about the break up for the last few days, and that helps a bit. Sometimes it just makes me more sad, but at least I have someone to talk to, because I cant talk to Johnny about it. I kind of hopes she responds to a message I sent yesterday soon, if she does at all, so I can talk to her about him coming over tonight... I'm worried, but also excited to see him.
Anyways I should go and clean my room or something.
Hopefully tonight goes well...

Tuesday, March 08, 2011


I honestly don't know how to live my life anymore. Not without him. I don't really want to either. I can't picture myself being over him, or happy, or the future. I can't picture me going back to school in two weeks. Tomorrow I'm going to drop my course selections off, and get some things, and then I'm staying home for the rest of the week, and next week is March Break. Hopefully after two weeks, I'll be able to go back. I know I can't go back now. Johnny wants me to go, so I don't get far behind, he encourages me by saying that I can go and it would be okay, but I know I can't. I can hardly handle being awake, let alone go to school. Not that I care about school much right now anyways. I can't see the future, and school is preparation for the future, so currently, it seems pointless. I don't want to do anything without him. Like, for example, Johnny and I broke up, so I don't want to shower, or eat or anything. But I have to. But, still the majority of my time is spent, by waiting for Johnny to come on msn from the moment I wake up, to the moment he finally does. I count down the hours. And then, talk to him until he'd either have to go, or I get tired and go to sleep. Then, when I go to sleep, I leave my laptop on, open with an msn conversation with him, so if I wake up in the middle of the night, and he's on, which he most likely would be, I can talk to him until he goes to bed, or until I go back to bed. And then I wake up the next morning and the cycle begins again. There's approximately 4 hours until he comes on today. He tries to be busy a lot though, like last night, he said he tried to do things to keep his mind occupied so he isn't constantly thinking about how much he hurt me. Like, I know he never wanted to hurt me at all, and he doesn't want me to be sad, but of course, I can't help it, so I mention it to him as little as possible, and we talk as if we were just friends. Close friends. I don't know if he wants to be close friends, but I do. He's the best friend I have. I know I care about him far more than he cares about me; he knows it too. I don't think he likes it, he wants me to like him just as much as he likes me, which is as friends. Even though I know it's not possible, I still want a relationship with him. But, I guess knowing that it's not possible kind of helps, because like last time, there was hope we'd get back together, and now there isn't so I can just focus on getting over him, and moving forward with our friendship. I'd like to be bestfriends with him, but I don't think he wants that with me, so I don't know if I'll tell him this. I'd also like to be friends for life, which again, he probably would say that anything could happen, meaning anything to stop us from being friends. And that he can't guarantee that. But, I wish he could, or would, or even just say that's what he wants to. On the drive back from his house, I asked how often we'd be hanging out. It wont be weekly anymore, so I asked about monthly, and he said he can't promise that, but he did promise to try to hang out with me monthly.
He's one of the most important people in my life, and breaking up wont change that. We've been through a lot together, I'm never going to forget it, and because of everything, I don't want to lose contact with him. He had said that we'd still talk becuase we're still brother and sister, which is something you can't change. (Before we got together, in our group of friends, we're all jokingly related some how, and he and I were quadruplets. He was 3 of them, and I was 1. XD) So, I'm also trying to keep the fact that we're "brother and sister" out in the open. I think he likes it too. Like, Sunday night when he dropped me off after we broke up, I was about to leave, and he said "wait," and the pulled my hair. Because that's what brothers do. He always used to pull my hair, and in school he'd push me right after pulling my hair, so I guess it's going back to how it was, except we're closer. Like, I still trust him more than anyone else. And, I almost completely trust him, and I don't trust most people much. But he's earned it.
We made a deal too, because he mentioned that this girl who thinks she's my friend, and is 13 is always trying to hangout with him, and he commented that he'd never get with her, which reminded me that I have other female friends. So, I asked if he'd not date any of them, because if one of my friends dated him, I'd be hurt and incredibly pissed off at that friend. I wouldn't be mad at him, but I'd hate her guts and try to ruin her life. So, we agreed neither of us will go after the others friends. And, we agreed that unless we really don't want anyone knowing, and that even if we're only telling a few people, for the next girlfriend or boyfriend, we will notify the other before everyone else knows. Like, if he gets a girl, and tells some of his friends, he'll tell me too, so I hear it from him rather than someone else or Facebook or something, becuase I'd really rather hear it from him. And I said I'd do the same for him, even if he doesn't really care about that. If there's a "rule" about us that he has to follow it, I should have to, too. It's only fair.
He's never tried to be friends with an ex-girlfriend before, and he wasn't sure if we'd for sure be able to stay friends, but I'm going to work very hard to make sure we do. Apparently I'm also the first girl he broke up with, and probably the first to actually be upset about a relationship with him ending. I don't think his past girlfriends were very nice, but he said he learned from it, and hopefully from me too, that he does deserve better than that. So hopefully from now on, all of his future girlfriends treat him right... and don't try to come between our friendship, because to a new girlfriend, being friends with an ex-girlfriend may not be something she wants her boyfriend doing, but he said that he wouldn't let  a girl come between our friendship, and I definately wouldn't let a boy. He said that he's not a cheater, so she has nothing to worry about, and she should trust him. And, I know he's not a cheater.
He's the only person that when he says something, I believe him without hesitation. With other people, I'll question things a lot, and wonder if they're fully telling the truth, or if they're lying, etc. But with him, I know I can trust him and he wont lie, I don't question what he says.
He says we'll still have sleepovers some times. Not as often of course, but still, like he said sometimes he'll crash at my house, and that I could go to his house sometimes too. Probably not if he has a girlfriend though, but until then, and hopefully after they break up, if/when they do.. I'd want his girlfriend to be able to trust me as his friend. Just like if I had a boyfriend, they'd need to accept the fact that Johnny played a large role in my life, and that I care about him a lot, and I'm not going to stop talking to him, or hanging out with him just because I have a boyfriend. If he doesn't like it, or doesn't trust me, he can leave.
I was also talking about how I wanted us to always go to eachother with any problem at all, and he asked about when he got a girlfriend, because he'd have her to talk to, so I just said, I'd still like to know what's going on in his life, and that he'd still talk to me about his problems too. Like, he talked about our problems with other girls sometimes, for advice, I want him to be able to do that with me. But, not just about relationship problems, any problems. Just like I'd like to be able to talk to him about all of my problems.
I really do hope we can stay close friends, for a really long time, or until our lives are over. I don't know what I'd do if I completely lost him. He's been the best person to me so far in my life. He's been there for me more than anyone else. He was such an amazing boyfriend, and I'll always remember him. I'm keeping the shirt he gave me, and I'm going to continue to wear the bracelet from him. And, I think that now that we have a certain level of trust, and our relationship brought us closer, I think he can be an amazing friend, too.
We're supposed to be hanging out to play Super Mario World sometime over March Break. I really hope I don't cry when I see him. I know I might, so maybe I should warn him in advance. But I still want to see him, and hopefully get more used to us being friends. I do need him in my life in some way. Even if it's only as friends, at least I'd have him there to talk to, and to make me happy. He always makes me happy, even without trying.

Monday, March 07, 2011

I want my boy back..

Well, Johnny and I broke up again last night, and I don't think we'll be getting back together. I'd like to, but I doubt we will.
When I woke up a few minutes ago, I remembered, but thought it was a dream, and got happy that it was only a dream, but then remembered that it wasn't a dream. That really sucked. A lot.
Anyways, last night I spent the night at his house, and I had a lot of fun, and he seemed to, as well. Then, around 7:30 tonight, he just said it. He said he doesn't feel like that towards me now, and he doesn't want to feel like he's leading me on.
He dropped me off around 8:30. I spent the majority of my time with him crying, and then when I got home, I spent the next 40 minutes crying the entire time, waiting for him to come on MSN... Then, when he came on MSN, I continued crying. And we talked more, and I managed to tell him more about how I feel about him. Last week I had kind of decided that when we broke up, I would. So, I did tell him most of it. He seemed to appreciate most of it, and that it at least made him feel good. Which is good.
The roof of my mouth hurts from crying... I don't even understand how it's possible.
Johnny and I will still be friends of course. I wrote "Johnny and I will still last" at first... I'm glad we'll still be friends, but it;s not what I want.
My hair smells just like him.
I don't know what else to write right now, and I have a headache and feel sick, it's been over a day since I ate.  So, I'm going to go back to bed now.

Friday, March 04, 2011

Course selections

Well, I'm not in school today, I wasn't feeling well, and we're not doing much in school today, so I decided to stay home. Anyways, yesterday my class got the information and paper and everything for helping to pick our courses for next year.
There's only one course I need to graduate, but then, of whatever other courses I choose, 3 or 4 must be at Grade 12 level. The only class I need to graduate is English 12.
So far I've chosen 6 of 8 courses,which are Adv. Engish 12, Math 12, Physics 11 and 12, Adv. Bio 12, and Agrifoods 11.
I was thinking about taking sociology, but I'd rather take Adv. Math 12, because then I'd have that credit, which a lot of universities want for certain courses.  But I'm not sure if I should or not, because I'd also like 2 preps, because Adv. Bio 12 requires a major independent project, and a sciencefair project, and Agrifoods also involves a sciencefair project, and since there will be another teacher next year, he or she may ot let me combine both Sciencefair projects into one. And, if I can't, well, even if I can, it will be a lot of work, so two preps would be really helpful.
One of my friends was talking about taking Adv. Math 12 in correspondence this year, so she can talk pre-cal and cal next year. So, I guess, I could always take Adv. Math 12 in correspondence, next year, and then have my two preps as well. I could talk to the guidance councelor about that on Monday..
The only difference between Bio and Adv. Bio is a major project and a few more questions on the exam, so, it would be just about the same level of difficulty, and an Advanced credit may look better. I was talking to the teacher about it, and she said I could do it.. and to start thinking of project ideas now.. XD So, I have been. I haven't thought of one yet. For the major project, you can get a mentor, same with the science fair project, so I'll probably do that, so I can do a more advanced project, and have help, while it still counts as advanced. And, have a lab and equipment, because I think I might do an experimental project.
Well, I'm going to Johnny's for the night tomorrow, so maybe he can help me think a bit. XD

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Day Twenty-six, Challenge Three

26: Choose two: mentally stable, intelligent, attractive. Explain why you chose those two.

Like in someone else?
Attractive, because even if it sounds bad, I'd rather not be with someone ugly. It would bother me, and I'd never be able to look at them and like what I see.
And, the other two don't matter much. Mentally stable doesn't because you can't control that. I wouldn't want someone completely unstable, but I'm okay with them being unstable. Intelligence doesn't matter much because you can't really control that all the time either. And, I don't have to be with someone smart to have fun. Besides, most of the smart guys I know are assholes. And, all of the not as smart guys, well..some, are pretty awesome, or I've found them awesome at some point. Like, my old guy bestfriend, he's not a genius, but we always had fun talking.
And, there are different things to be smart at too, like I may get higher grades than Johnny, but yesterday when he was here, he started talking scientifically about the weather, I was SO confused. I had no idea what he was talking about. And, he knows more about music, computers, instruments, and a bunch of other things. Everyone's intelligent with at least one thing.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Day Twenty-five, Challenge Three

25: Would you rather date someone plain with an amazing personality or someone beautiful with a plain personality?
Someone plain with an amazing personality. I'd want someone with good looks, but I'd rather someone not as attractive who was nice than someone who looked good and treated me like crap.
At least I don't have to worry about that right now; Johnny's got both good looks and an amazing personality.