Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Worst Snowday Ever..

So, today was a snow day, which I was glad for. But it still sucked.
Johnny had been talking about moving and breaking up more in the last few days, which I had noticed, so I spent most of my day worrying about things ending soon, him leaving, us not talking, etc. I spent most of the day crying to be honest. I could barely control it. I wanted him to come on msn so we could talk about it and hopefully he could make me feel better. He came on, and we started talking about it almost right away. And, apparently he's been thinking of me less, and is starting to not want to be my boyfriend as much, which he had never said before. I wasn't too surprised though, just sad because now I can't lie to myself and ignore it. Now I know things are ending. We're still together now, but I don't know how much longer. He says we should just let things change on their own so we don't even really need to say we're breaking up, that it will just happen and that we will both just know. While I on the other hand, have been getting closer to him, which I didn't told him. I told him I cared about him just as much as before. He was talking about maybe trying to make it last longer, if I thought it could, but I know he doesn't want to. He said, it was just always the same, and it gets boring after a while. He said making things more interesting may make it last longer, but he didn't want it to last longer and me care for him even more, and then have it even worse when we break up. Which, I completely understand, but I still do want to try because I don't want it to end yet. He knows I don't want it to end, and that I'm going to be sad when it does. He knows I'm already sad. But we plan to stay good friends afterwards, and go back to how we were before, pretend brother and sister, and he said, since we'll always be siblings, and cant change that, we'd still talk for that reason, and because we were always good friends. We agreed to still be able to go to eachother with our problems and everything. So in a way, he's going from boyfriend, to best friend. Which is good, because I still want him in my life, and when he talks about it, he makes it seem okay, and not so bad, but now, while he's not on msn, I go back to my usual thinking.
I'm not going to school tomorrow. He's coming over around 9 or 10 tonight for the night. I want to talk to him more, and maybe find some ways to making the relationship more interesting to prolong it..
I had to ask my mom if I could stay home from school tomorrow, and I was already crying, and she asked if he broke up with me when I started crying, and I said no, and then explained a little. And my mother and I hugged for a few minutes. Stuff like this never happens with her, but I couldn't keep from crying. I still can't..
He also expressed how he feels bad and like he was leading me on or using me, but he said from the beginning we wouldn't last more than a year or two, it's only been 6.5 months, but I knew to expect it, and he got good things from the relationship, and so did I. We've helped eachother a lot. He's helped me through so much stuff, and made things so much more easy for me. He's made me feel better as a person, and just overall, had a good, large, impact on my life.
We'll probably be in a relationship for a month or more, maybe. I'm really not ready for this. We're not breaking up because we don't get along or anything, we get along great, we never argue or anything, he's just getting bored, and he probably feels we're distancing. But I will try to make things more exciting, and try to bring us closer again, even until summer, because that way, I don't have to worry about school. Because, with the way things are going, tomorrow probably wont be the only day I miss.
I've never been upset over a break up before. Johnny's my second boyfriend, and I left the first, and I had been so happy to leave him. but things were different between Johnny and I. We got along more, we had more fun, we were happier (another thing is I can't make him as happy easily anymore).
I have no idea what if feels like to be hurt by a break up, and "heart broken." People don't leave me, I always leave them, and now, the person who helps me the most, and is incredibly important to me, and who I care about so much, is leaving me. He's the most important person in my life, besides a few family members, and he's going. Not completely, but things wont be the same. We probabloy wont hang out as much, and I will miss hanging out with him. He wont be there to comfort me as I cry, or to watch movies beside me while I do homework to relieve stress.
I don't know what I'll do without him being so close. We'll hopefully still be close, but will it be enough?
I thought about how I could move on, and find another guy who could make me happy, but I hate the thought of being with someone else. I won't be ready to be with another guy for a very long time. He's going to move on a lot faster than me too. And, I know I wont be able to find someone as great for me as him. Like, I don't just think that now, I know I wont. I don't get along great with a lot of people, and most people annoy me a lot and easily, and most people don't accept me for me, or understand me, or get along with me so well, hardly anyone has the same humor as me, or respects my decisions, and is okay with who I am. He's almost perfect for me, except that he wants to go. I really don't think I'll find someone else who is so good for me.
-Kind of rather personal/sexual-
I'm worried about seeing him tonight, because he wasn't sure about coming, because I had a pregnancy scare, and he didn't want to come because he was thinking it would be best not to have sex, and if he came, he'd want to, but I convinced him to anyways. And, I don't want to start crying in the middle of sex or something, that would just be horrible. It'll be happening when he gets here, so I have time after that to cry and talk to him. But, what if this is our last sleepover together, I don't want to ruin it. And things may be awkward too, but I do really want to see him.
I can't imagine someday not ever seeing him again, like if he does move to another province, I probably wont see him again, and that would just be so difficult, of course seeing him and not being able to hug him or kiss him whenever I want would be hard too. But, I just can't picture my life without him in it a lot anymore. I know I was fine before him, but I don't even know how now. I have no idea how I'll cope without him. If I'll even be able to.
Johnny was the only person whoever really tried to get me to trust them and open up to them, and to be comfortable with them, without using it for sex. He's be amazing the entire relationship, so of course, I really care about him. I don't want to say I'm in love with him, but it's close, I'd say. He doesn't want me in love with him. Johnny's just really the only person to ever really care about me and treat me so good. Who he is, is amazing. He doesn't like fighting, he's respectful and cares about my feelings, his personality goes great with mine, everything is just a really good fit between us, I find.
I don't want to cry around him and make him feel bad, but I know I'm going to. I can hardly control my crying when he isn't around to remind me of how much I'm going to miss him. I hope he lets me keep the shirt I gave him. I really want to keep it. I don't want to let him go, but I have to, so hopefully I don't have to let the sweet reminders like that go too.


  1. After boyfriend two your already having sex, and sleeping over? I'm on like boyfriend six and I havent. After that breaking up may seem super hard. I wouldn't know, but I would think it would imagine it would be.
    If your so scared of him leaving you and being the one hurt why dont you just leave him?
    I had a 6 month relationship with one of my boyfriends and I broke up with him when he was getting bored, and sure it hurt for a month but I'm completely over it now.
    I think it takes time to get used to him missing. You never know good things could be around the corner.

  2. I lost my virginity to the first guy, and that was a huge mistake. I had never wanted have sex with him, but he pretty much begged/guilted me into it. So, now with another guy, I already lost it, so it's not as big of a deal to me. And, with the first guy, I felt like such a slut from it, and people treated me like a slut, and all he cared about was sex, and since dating Johnny, that feel has actually gone away, so I feel that it's a good thing, and I'm actually willing now.
    And, about leaving him, I had considered that, but I don't think I could do it, and I feel if we let it end without really ending it ourselves, I feel maybe there's a better chance of us staying close friends, which I do want to be. Nor do I think I have the strength to go through with it.
    And, I think a part of me will always love him, too. I do hope to get to the point where I can move on, though it seems impossible right now. I know time is supposed to heal all wounds, but from personal experience, I know it can still, I guess you could say, leave a scar, meaning that it still is there, but not as bad, maybe.