Saturday, February 12, 2011

I had a dream..

Well, I woke up around 2:00 something last night, and couldn't sleep so I went on MSN and Johnny and I started talking. The conversation led to our break up, and I guess he didn't really want to break up just then, he said he still believed that we could have happily lasted until like June, or something. So I pretty much pressured him into breaking up with me when we could have lasted. So, now we're taking a break, and we may get back together,and we may not get back together. He's coming over on Monday so we can talk about it some more in person, because we've concluded that MSN really isn't the best way to talk about this stuff. We talked about it until 5:00 this morning, and then he went to bed and I complained to my cat. I'm not completely heart broken over the situation, but I now know we didn't need to break up yet, and we broke up because of me, and I was the one who wanted things to last longer. He wants to hang out a few more times before we decide whether to get back together or not. I want to get back together with him. This whole situation confuses me, I don't know how to feel, or think or anything. The only thing I know is I really regret, and hate myself for causing him to break up with me. He was confused, and so was I, but if I hadn't been so set on the thought that he wanted things to be over, we could still be together now. I hope we do evetually get back together.

Anyways, about the dream...
It fit with the situation between us really well, except it had a happy endning, and I don't know yet if there will be a happy ending in real life.
In the dream, which I don't fully remember, but I remember enough, he had his own apartment, and we were outside, sitting on a little deck thing he had, but it was in the air, like on some apartment buildings, and we were talking about things I could do to help him become more happier (I already want to make him more happier) and he said he wanted to meet new people, but before he finished the sentence, I called up to a group of girls who were above us, and introduced them, so they could be friends, but then he finished the sentence, and said that he wanted to meet new people, who were beautiful girls, which all of these girls are (while taking a break, I'm terrified he's going to find someone better, and the break will become permanent) so, he went up to talk to them, and he really hit it off with one girl, and they decided to go on a date that night. So, he got dressed up really fancy, and they left to go on the date, and I laid in his bed and cried, wishing I had never introduced him to those girls (which is like how I wish I never pushed him into breaking up with me), But in the dream, after he was gone for about 10 minutes, he came back to his room, and hugged me and kissed me, and laid down with me and apologized for what he did, and said that he loved me not her, and we got back together. (I do want us to get back together).

So the dream was really realistic, except I don't know the ending in real life yet. I hope there's a similar ending.
I hate myself and feel so stupid, because he was confused at the time, and me pushing on about him already wanting to break up with me confused him, and he ended up breaking up with me. He's still really confused, like about how he feels, and I'm very confused about how he feels. So, he said that hopefully by taking a break he can sort out his emotions, and we can work on communication, because he feels like sometimes he can't talk to me about some of his problems. Either because he doesn't want to bother me because I have my own problems, or because he doesn't understand the problem himself. But, I wouldn't care if I had 100 problems, he could still talk to me about his.
Sometimes I cry over us breaking up now, and sometimes I want to, but I'm sick, so crying only makes it worse, and sometimes, very rarely, I'm okay with the situation, but then I usually get mad at myself for being okay with it, and end up crying. We've only been broken up for a little over 12 hours, maybe like 14 hours, but I've thought about it a lot, and it doesn;t take much thought for me, I know that I still love him and want to be with him. 
Hopefully when we talk Monday we'll get some things sorted out.

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