Monday, February 14, 2011

Today's the day...

that Johnny comes over and we talk. I find it kind of ironic that it's on Valentine's Day, because it's a day to show people how much to love them, and we're talking about our relationship that ended just a few days ago, and seeing if we're even able to ever back back together.
I have no idea how it will go. Sometimes in person I wont say everything I want to say, or I'll be crying too much to say it, so I wrote a letter, as a back up plan.
I hope today goes well. I did not go to school today, and depending on how today goes, I may not go tomorrow.
We talked a lot about the issue last night, he had to ask me twice to change the subject, and wait until tomorrow (today) to talk about this. So, finally we were able to talk like normal friends with no problems. But that was only after I told him how I really felt, which he probbaly already knew, but oh well. Well, I didn't tell him just how much I care about him, which is a huge ammount, but he doesn't want me in love with him, or even close to being in love, so I tell him I'm not, and wont be, because if I thought I really wouldend up in love with him, there'd be no chance of us getting back together. And, I don't think I can care about him more than I already do, so no matter how long it lasts, I'll always be this upset about it.

Three relationships have ended recently that I know of, from Facebook. One was between two people who weren't together too long, and she seems okay with it, and the other was with people who I think were together for over a year, and he wanted to leave, but she still loved him, so I kind of know what she's going through.
I've never been heart broken before. I never thought I would be. I had always told myself, boys are just boys, there are plenty more out there, and the one that stays is the only one that matters. Which I still understand, but refuse to apply to this situation. Johnny is a really amazing guy. I tell him this constantly. We actually had a conversation about it last night, like him being an amazing guy in general, not just as a boyfriend. I've known him for almost a year, it'll be a year in March, and he's given me so many reasons to think he's amazing, and I can't think of one to make me think any differently at all. Of course, he has negative traits, but everyone does, and he's able to control those traits for the most part, so it's really good.
Last night, I finally messaged one of my friends, the one who messaged me on Facebook, asking if I was okay, more information about the break up, she's never really been good at helping people before, but apparently she's getting better now, and I needed someone to talk to. Hopefully talking to her will help a lot. When I do go back to school, I'm going to need a lot of support just to be able to stay there and pay attention and get all my work done, and of course, keep from crying.
Johnny said he wants to talk a lot today, and so do I.
Even if we only stay friends, I want to be close friends. I honestly would have to say he's the best friend I have. I don't really use the term best friend anymore, but out of my friends, he's the best. If he ever needed help with anything, I'd help him, no matter what it was. I'd probably help him bury a body if he needed my help, but he's not the murdering type, so I doubt he'll ever show up at my door at 3 am, covered in blood, holding a shovel.
But, like with moving, (I don't know if I gave him the idea first, but I did mention it, and he said ti was a good idea) that he should stay around here when his parents move, to see if he likes it, and if he wants to, move over there eventually. Because if he moves over there, and doesn't like it, moving there and then back here would be more work than moving around here and then over there.  That first sentence makes no sense... XD Okay, anyways, he says he may want to move over to where his parents are, because it would be easier, but he's always seemed to want to stay around here, because it's where he grew up, and if he didn't move, and stayed around here, if he ever needed help with anything, I'd always be there to help him.
No matter what happens, I know eventually, I'll be okay, but until then, it'll be rough. Of course, things could get better today, meaning we get back together or think about getting back together more, but things could also get worse today, meaning, he thinks it's best if we don't ever get back together and stay just friends.
I look at the pictures of him on my camera a lot. They make me really sad, since a lot of them were taken the day before we broke up, and he seemed so happy in them.
He says he didn't want things to end so soon either, and could have been happy with me until June or July, so I don't fully understand why he isn't sure if he wants to get back together or not, but I guess I'll find out in a few hours... I'm really nervous.
Since the break up, and Wednesday before he got here, I've been worried/upset by the problem a lot, and have had no appitite. Thursday, when he was here, I ate normally. And, we broke up Friday, and I've hardly eaten since, and it's not bothering me. I do eat daily, just not much.
Anyways, I should go, I have to clean my room, and make myself look presentable, rather than how I look now - wearing fur covered dirty clothes, my hair a mess, my teeth unbrushed, my eyes red, and my skin probably extra pale, and very dark circles under my eyes.

Oh, one more thing! Here's my horoscope for today:
Take the initiative now -- communication is your strong point, so start persuading. The stars enable you to go farther and faster than ever, and all the right people are keeping up with you.

It sounds perfect for today. I hope it's right. It does kind of make it seem like today is going to go good with Johnny.

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