Friday, February 11, 2011

I don't know how to feel

When Johnny was over we talked more about the issue. We only talked about it late and ngiht, and early(ish) in the morning. When he first came here, everything seemed normal, and for the most part it stayed that way. It was as if there was no issue at all. But, we were talking about it, and I do feel better about it now, but still not great. He mentioned staying together until June or July, and how we'd probably be able to do that. He said he wanted to. So, hopefully he's not just doing it to make me happy. I'd like to last until the second half of July, because then we'd have been together for a year. We first kissed on July 18th. I'd like to at least last a year with him. It's still hard to think about, and I don't want to have to face it, but I know I'm going to have to, and if I push it off farther, I may get more used to it so it wont hurt as much when it does happen. He said the main reason he felt this way was becuase of the stressful week he's had, so I don't know if it's only been this past week that's changed his feelings or not, but a lot of the stress is gone now, I think, so maybe he'll still care about me like he did, which I know wont keep us together longer, because he's still going to get bored. I've been trying to think of ways to keep him more amused/excited, but it's hard, and I've asked him about it, but he says he's happy doing what we usualy do, but he's getting bored of it. So, I don't really understand. I am going to try to make things more fun and interesting though. He was also talking about after we break up, how we'd still be friends, and if he doesn't move, we could still hang out and stuff, as friends. Last night, I was really worried about him leaving, because now that we've talked about breaking up, I feel like I want to be around him more before it ends, and I'm worried that it will be the last time I see him. I try not to let it show, but even an hour before he actually left, I was thinking about it, and I actually almost started crying because of it, but I managed to control it. I don't think I've cried about it since yesterday, when we were talking about it, in the morning, or noon time, or something. I don't really know when it was.
Before he woke up then, I was thinking about it a lot, and actually crying then. I was thinking about how like just a month ago, he was talking about how he thought we'd be able to last longer than a year, and he talked about if we were still together in a few years, living together, and now, like 30 days later, it's completely different. That probably upsets me the most, because it just changed so quickly. And now that I know he cares less, I start noticing, or thinking about it and trying to notice it more. When we're just talking on MSN I don't feel us as close as we used to be, and I know I can't make him as happy as I could. But, when we're in person, he seems to really care about me. So, I don't know. He wouldn't pretend to really care, so maybe he just feels more close when we're together, so maybe if we hang out more, he'll start feeling closer, and his feelings will go back to normal. I don't know if it will work, but I said I was going to try, and I'm still determined to. We aren't doing anything for Valentines day, since neither of us really celebrate it, other than by me giving out Barbie valentine's day cards, to six of my friends.
I don't fully know what to think of the situation, I try to make it go away, when he's gone, it bothers me, when he's here, I'm somewhat okay with it, not fully of course. It's pretty much all I ever think of anymore.
I also have a cold, which I am almost positive Johnny will get from me. He says he doesn't care, but I still feel bad. I only have Johnny who I can go to with my problems, which really scares me, because when he's gone I may have no one. Like, last night, I had been on MSN because I couldn't sleep, talking to him, at 2:30 - 3:00, and then I tried to go to sleep, but I ended up thinking about what it would be like if someone broke in to my house to kill me, and then around 3:30 I heard a gunshot outside, which really scared me, because in my mind, it was either a killer, or someone shooting a wild animal, and I hate wild animals, they scare me. So I got really scared, and went back on MSN to see if Johnny was still on, and I messaged him, and he must have been busy and it toook him a few minutes to respond. I was so scared I was kind of crying XD But, luckily he messaged back after a few minutes, and we talked until 4:30. If it weren't for Johnny being on MSN, and no one else was, I'd have been terrified and completely alone, which would have sucked. Before I knew his feelings changed, I was okay with being apart from him, we usually see eachother once or twice a week, and I was fine when we weren't together, but now I hate being away from him, but he does need time away, more than I do, and I usually really like my space. But, I worry so much when he's gone, and I feel lonely a lot. I hate it. This is so abnormal for me... This isn't all I could write, but since writing it makes me worry, and scared and sad, and confused, and I am able to write a lot more, I'm just going to go now..

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