Saturday, January 29, 2011

I hate thinking of titles.

The main reason I wanted to make a post is to share the fact that I had a good sleep last night. Most people probably would find sleeping good really uneventful, and definately not blog worthy, but I was really excited by it. XD I was at Johnny's for the night, and he really has such a comfortable bed. It's smaller than mine, so there's less room, but it's still incredibly comfortable. I'm almost always on his bed when I'm there. XD I had actually been there since probably 9:00, and I went fell asleep at 11:30. And, apparently I woke up three times within the night, I only remember one. Oh, and I remember when he shut the light off, I didn't open my eyes, so he had no idea I was awake, but my eyelids got darker, that's how I knew, but I went right back to sleep. I had 11 hours of sleep last night. And when I came home, around 2:45, I couldn't get the internet to work, so after a while, I was mad and just went to sleep, for another three hours. It's 11:00 now, and I'm tired again. But this morning, when I woke up, I felt really good, and not tired!
Last night, while I was at Johnny's, I got in an arguement with my Middle Eastern friend about World War 1. And he was so wrong. Everything he said was wrong. It made me more mad than it really should have. The agrument had started with him saying if there was no Israel or America, there would be no wars. And I commented on how World War 1 did not involve Israel, and America didn't enter the war until like 1916 or 1917, and the war started in 1914, so it wasn't America's fault that war started.
My Middle Eastern friend, I'm calling him this, because I'm unsure of his real name XD, doesn't like Johnny, and Johnny doesn't like him, but only because he doesn't like Johnny and likes me too much. But, I've made it clear to my Middle Eastern friend that I do not like him like that and I like Johnny, so many times, and he has to understand and respect that. But the guy is even more stubborn than I am, and I am really stubborn, even if there is no logic behind what I'm saying, quite often I'll still say it, and believe it to be true or right. XD
I don't really have anything important to say, and I'm tired and going to go to bed now.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Snow Day!

I'm pretty sure this is our first snow day this year, but there may have been one before this... I really don't remember. But this snow day doesn't affect me much for today, because it's exam week, and I didn't have an exam, so I wouldn't be going to school anyways. But, all of the exams get bumped up a day now, so my Friday exam, is now on Monday, because there's no school on weekends. That means my weekend starts now. And ends on Saturday. It's funny, one of my horoscopes on Facebook said my weekend would start on Wednesday night, and it started Thursday morning. But, it wasn't because an exotic foreigner called me. XD
So, today, I am going to REALLY clean my room, like clean it really good. Even though I feel sick (I'm not sick, I just feel sick). Johnny is coming over tomorrow, and I usually have a kind of messy room when he comes over, because I'm always so busy I just clean it quickly, which isn't that great. But it's never horribly messy. I was going to clean it yesterday, but that never happened, and since I don't have to study today, I have all day to clean! I might even vaccuum, and I hate vaccuuming; the noise just drives me crazy, kind of like a dog. Haha.
I'm going to go do that now.. Bye!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

"I've never felt so alien."

Those are lyrics from the song Chemistry of a Car Crash by Shiny Toy Guns.
They kind of relate to how I feel right now, except I've felt more alien before. Since last night, I've for the most part, just been unsure of anything that I want, or how I feel, or anything. The only time I was really sure of anything is when I was writing my English exam this morning, which was really easy. Johnny and I were talking last night, we didn't have a fight or anything like that, but we were talking about something (I don't want to say what) and, it didn't make me mad, it just didn't make me happy either, and I've been thinking about it a lot. I want to talk to him more about it, I think, but I don't even know if I want to. I don't think I would want to talk to him in person about it. Things have just kind of sucked for us recently. Well, there's this, and what I've been talking about in previous posts, with my friend. She told him to find out what the issue is and for him to tell her, and she just keeps trying to use him to find out what it is, and it doesn't even have anything to do with him. I don't care that he knows, but she should have left him out of it. It's incredibly stupid that she's trying to get information through him, and he'd have to trick me in order to get it. He told me, of course, and said he wasn't going to tell her, and I don't tell him much about it anyways, because I don't want him to get trapped in the middle. She's just dumb. If she wants to know what it is, she can ask me, rather than try to get my boyfriend to trick me and then go behind my back and tell her. I'm just getting really sick of her. Maybe I should message her... I don't want to, but it would stop Johnny from getting trapped in the middle, which he doesn't deserve. He's friends with both of us, he shouldn't have to be the messenger. I know he thinks I should just message her, and she wants me to, so it would keep her from dragging him into it...maybe. Hopefully. I used to never have drama in my life...until summer. I don't know if most people would consider this drama, but since I rarely have any, it is to me. I think I may go and try to write her a letter, only a rough copy on Microsoft Word though.

Saturday, January 22, 2011


Well, as mentioned in either the last or second last post, there are issues with me and two friends. More so one than the other, the one who's pretty much been my bestfriend since Grade 8. Well, I find things are even worse now. She's smothering me way too much. She had messaged Johnny (they're friends) and in the message, she mentioned her and I not being as close. So, now, even when I turn to Johnny, she's there too, in a sense. Not matter where I go, or who I talk to, she's mentioned, or there's something to do with her. It's like I'm a fish without gills and she's the ocean. But I don't want to upset her. She goes on about how I'm the most important person in her life and her best friend and they only one she can talk to about her problems without needing to fear that I'll tell someone; but I'm like that with most people and most problems, unless it's serious and life threatening. And, where a lot of the reasons I think differently (negatively) about her now, is that I know things that no one but the person she told were supposed to know, and they told me, so if I tell her it could mess their friendship up, and though she deserves to know, they're both messed like that, about not being honest with eachother, etc. So, who cares if she "deserves" it? Not me.
Johnny and I were talking about it today, and I wasn't really saying much, and making it sound smaller than it is. I told him I'd rather talk about it in person, which is true, and he's coming over tomorrow evening, so I'll probably talk about it then. I of course wont share all of the secrets, but I'll go over my feelings towards her and how they're changing, etc.
He wants me to talk to her about it. He still wants us to stay best friends; he's so used to it.
We're known for being bestfriends, everyone knows we are, some people have even admitted to being jealous of our friendship, and now this happens, so it's different and unexpected, and most don't want it to happen. It could also mess up our group of friends, so much.
Johnny says maybe someday I'll regret it, if I end the friendship. But, I had a friend, who I had been friends with, since we were months old, and we were best friends from grade 4 or 5 until Grade 7, and I started disliking her, and stopped talking to her in Grade 8, and I'm still glad I made that choice. And I dislike both for similar reasons, except the first bestfriends were more obvious. This ones are hidden. Which is another reason, everyone sees her as innocent and nice, so if I stop talking to her, it will be my fault, and everyone will blame me, and I could lose other friends too.
I had thought Johnny was mad at me for it, but he wasn't. I seriously thought he'd leave me to be friends with her. But, it's not like I care if they're friends, even if I don't like her. I don't like several of them, but they're his friends, not mine, so it really doesn't matter, he can be friends with whoever he wants, obviously.
If I were to stop talking to her, I'd have a lot more alone time to think; and write, or do homework, or something. And, I do have other friends. I try not get become too dependent on someone, because almost everyone leaves eventually.
But, anyways, other than that negative aspect of my life, everything else is pretty great. This semester is almost over. The English exam seems incredibly easy, we went over kind of what it would be on in class, and my homework is almost done. Everything is really good with Johnny. We never fight or anything like that, only jokingly. And he's really nice. Science fair presentations are over, and I think I did good. It was kind of fun. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but for my project, I got an orange, and put a happy face on it, and named her Mabel. After the project, I ate her, and she was very delicious. XD
My mother and I haven't fought much in a few days, and I've barely had any contact with her boyfriend. And I have clay and paint! And, I've been beating even more games of Advanced Minesweeper! XD
Anyways, I should go now. And play Minesweeper....

Friday, January 21, 2011

Homework/Exams/Science Fair

First of all, the Science Fair was today. I had to present to a retired police officer, a substitute teacher, the librarian never got to my table, my biology teacher, four or five friends, and my school's prinicpal. Most of the time (two hours) I stood by my board talking to the people around me.
I think (hope) I did good. They all seemed interested and said I should go to the actual science fair, but I don't think so I have too much other work. I was really nervous the entire time, too.
This weekend, I have a lot of homework. I have a bunch of Canadian History stuff to do to bring my mark up and I have to finish my Biology Essay that is due Monday. It's worth 1/3 of the science fair mark.
Exams are also next week. And, I will not be studying until Monday after school. My first exam is Tuesday morning. And then, on Wednesday and Thursday I can study for Biology. And then I have, for the first time in a while, a completely homework free weekend! And then I start second semetester. I'm not sure what I'll have for a fourth class, but I am taking Math 11, Chemistry 11, and yoga...
Anyways, I have to do homework. Bye

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Friends and coyotes.

Today in English, our class was talking, and we are known to either talk about things way too much, or getting completely off topic, and we somehow got on the topoic of coyotes, and how one killed a deer in a park kind of close by on the weekend, and as soon as I heard coyote, I started paying attention, and then when I got home from school, I decided to look it up, and ended up reading several articles on coyotes in my province and how they're getting less afraid of humans, and even bigger, and some more agressive, and closer to public, etc. And I am terrified of coyotes, so naturally this terrified me. I was talking to Johnny about it, and he said that I should stop researching my fears, and after that didn't work, he told me 'facts' on coyotes, which used to be true, but have all been changing, so even though he tried to help, it didn't work. But, I am rather stubborn. XD
Also, I don't know if it's for real, or if it's just me being tired, but I've been really easily irritated recently, ever since not sleeping good recently with two of my friends. I think it's for real though, and not just me being tired. Since, one, I've been slightly irritated with for years, and the other one, it started over summer. One hasn't noticed, or at least not brought it up, and the other has brought it up a lot, which only irritates me more, and she's become more clingy, which irritates me even more.
The first one, who has always irritated me a bit, she just acts like a bitch and a know-it-all, and she's demanding, and lying, and an attention whore. But, I kind of just ignore her, unless it's impossible. So, with her it isn't much of a big deal.
With the other, I considered her a best friend for the last like three years. Grade 8, 9, and 10. But when Grade 10 ended, and it was summer, I became friends with her ex boyfriends, who she was trying to be friends with, or something like that. And, we'd hang out, and I heard stuff from him, even when they worked things out and stayed friends, and I'd hear things from him, and then things from her, which I would know from what I heard from him was a lie. And, he and I would talk about her quite a bit, not always negatively, but from our dicussions, they brought out a lot of truths, which I really don't agree with, which has made me change my feelings and thoughts towards her, and I just can't seem to ignore those. None really have anything to do with me, but still, she could be like that with someone, so it's still bad, even if it's not wth me. The other people didn't deserve it.
And, now I can't tell her why I'm acgting how I am, because that  would mean telling her that the guy, who she's now frieds with told me stuff, and to keep from possibly damaging their friendship, I'm just ignoring it. I don't even talk to the guy anymore.
But now, she keeps mentioning it and bringing it up, and being clinging, and it's just really annoying. Like really annoying.
I don't even know if I want to be friends anymore, but I can't say anything.
I keep blaming it on being cranky because I'm tired. But I really don't think that's why.
I can't tell her why, because of her friendship with the guy, and because I don't want to be mean or hurtful. And, if I were honest, it would completely mess up our group of friends, and some may start thinking that I'm a horrible person or a bitch or something. I try to talk to Johnny about it, but I have to be careful, because Í don't want him thinking I'm a bitch or hating me for it or something, which seems highly unllikely, but still, I worry. XD
Anyways I have to go shower now,

Monday, January 17, 2011


I don't really have anything good to write about, but I feel I should write, because if I stop, I may not start again. Not much is going on in my life right now, besides the fighting and getting ready for exams, an English test, and science fair.
We did frog dissections today. My partner and I chose the online option.
And, then another of my friends who is vegetarian, and talking about caring for animals so much, etc. was so excited to cut open her frog, she really wanted to do the real thing, and she had to do all of the work, which is stupid. She's always contradicting herself; she's such a hypocrite, and everyone knows it...except her. She just wants attention.
I'm reading the book The Forbidden Game by L.J. Smith, for the second time. I really like the plot in the book. There are three parts, I don't really like Part 2, but Part 1 and 3 are really interesting, I find.
One of my friends and I have been messaging eachother back and forth on Facebook about how I'm more close off now, etc. I really don't want to talk about it, but I can't really just ignore her.
Johnny and I went to see Little Fockers on Saturday night, it was pretty funny. I actually could not stop laughing at one part. Everyone else laughed a little, but I of course, was almost in tears. That happened when I watched Madagasgar 2 as well...
We got there early to get a good seat, and when we got there, there were two other peoples coats there, but that's it, and they came in a few minutes later, and then two older ladies came in, and one of them sounded like on of my grandmother's friends who I've known my whole life, but I wasn't wearing my glasses, so I don't know if it was her.
After the movie we came back to my place, and we watched parts of three more movies. XD And, I don't even remember what was happening when I fell asleep. I remember Johnny came back to my room from going somewhere to do something, and that's the last thing I remember. Then, at 3:00 or so, he woke me up so I could type the password for my iPod, and normally, I'd be afraid of my privacy being invaded, people usually never use my iPod without me hovering around, since you can easily access my email with one touch. But, I was too tired to care.
I actually slept really good that night, I had 9 hours of sleep or so, and then I stayed in bed for another 2 hours, just laying there thinking.
He got his wisdom teeth out today. I feel really bad for him, but there isn't much I'm able to do to help him.
I recently won another game of advanced minesweeper. I've only ever won two though.
I'm going to go do homework or something...

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I hate my life

My mothers pathetic drunk boyfriend ruins everything. He woke me up at 3:30 this morning, because he was yet again drunk and cooking. He doesn't care how loud he is or who he's affecting.I'm supposed to be going out with Johnny tonight, and I'm going to be completely axhausted before he even gets here, because I've been awake since 3:30. My mother and I got in a big fight yesterday, over him, and she took my door off and grounded me. I had to apologize to become ungrounded, and how he's talking about how tomorrow, my door is coming off again, when it fucking isn't. He does in no way have control over my life. After that my mom said "shut" as in "shut up" and he asked what that meant, and I yelled that it meant shut up, and he said "fuck you" and I said, "no, fuck you, you stupid pathetic drunk" for at least the third time tonight. He fucks everyhting up, and he never has to apologize to me. Then, he said he was good here. Well, either he goes, or I do. I don't care if that means dropping out of schooll and getting a job so I can afford a place to live.
My mother wants me to go back to talk to one of my old psychologists about how my mother and I always fihgt. I didn;t want to at first, but now I want to so I can bring up how my mothers boyfriend fucks everything up and ruins my life.
I slept good last night, and I was hoping to tonihgt, so I wouldnt be tired when I was with Johnny and when I go to his house for the night afterwards. But that is now impossible because of the stupid drunk. I wont even be able to stay up past like 10.
Tomorrow, when my mother is more awake, I will try talking to her again, and I will tell her that she has to chose between me and the drunk. And then he goes or I go, because I am not dealing with his bullshit anymore.
I'm going to try to go back to sleep now. I'm supposed to be getting up early in the morning to completely finish my science fair project - that wont happen. So, I guess I'll already be failing Biology, so dropping out wouldn't be too bad. Besides, I can always go back for education later in life when I don't have to deal with that pathetic asshole.
I might write my mother a letter instead, because if we talk about it, it may only turn into an arguement, on paper, it wont.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

What would happen if the entire human species became vegan?

That's what I'm doing my Science Fair project on.
I know this will never happen, but I needed a science fair topic, and this seemed easy for me. It's a research project, which I think would be the easiest type as well, and I wanted something easy so I could do good on it, since it's worth 20% of our mark.
It's does cause me dig rather deep for information though.
There are a lot of things to consider, such as health, environment, human and animal popluation, land usage, third world countries, etc.
The project is due Monday, I've done a lot of research so far, on the weekend, all I have to do is make the presentation board, and write my 2000 word summary, it actually seems super easy to me! Hopefully it is. :)
Since I haven't eaten meat in about three years, I know where and how to get good information, and I already knew a lot about vegetarianism and veganism before starting the project.
I just kind of wanted to share this.
When I finish everything, and write the summary, etc. I'll post it on here if I can.
What do you guys think would happen if the entire human species became vegan?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

My internet is working fine today!

Whenever I complain about something, right after that, it works. Like, yesterday (I think) I was complaining about how my left ear was hard to pierce to Johnny, but as soon as I tried after typing that, the needle went straight through. I was so excited/mad. XD
Last night, well this morning, I had two bad dreams. I woke up at 4:30 roughly, and I've been up since then; I'm exhausted. I almost fell asleep in Canadian History.
One dream has about my mother and I moving into a really old, big, fancy house, that was haunted by people who died at sea. And when I woke up, I looked at my mirror and the smudges on it looked like a face, so I was terrified.
The other dream was that Johnny got in a car crash outside of my house, because of a drunk driver. And earlier that night, he had a dream almost identical. He then said that maybe he's going to get in a car crash soon, which I did not want to hear at all. So I just said maybe he telepathically made me have the dream, and I've been telling myself that, so I don't worry about him getting in a car crash. And we're having a snow storm right now, so the roads will probably suck for the next day or two, which would make it a lot easier for him to crash.
I kind of hope there is no school tomorrow, so I can catch up on both sleep and homework.
I made my exam study plan either last night or this morning, I don't remember which (my lack of sleep is really effecting my memory) It was that one not this weekend, but next, I study for the English exam on Tuesday, and then on Wednesday and Thursday, I study for the Bio exam on Friday. I do much better if I cram right before it than studying over time, because, well, usually, I have a really good memory with this stuff. Last year on my math exam, I actually taught myself one of the formulas during the exam. I had never understood or knew it before, and I just kept putting numbers and letters together until it worked; I was so proud of myself!
I've been in a picky mood recently. There is like no food that I want to eat. I'm hungry, and I'm making fries right now, but I don't want fries. There is nothing here I want except juice. I don't even know what I was. Maybe pickles or salsa, or italian bread from Subway... but I don't really know. I might be like this for a few weeks, which really wont be all that bad, because I'll be eating a lot less.
It's now 30 minutes later, I clearly have nothing to write about, yet through my days, I can think of so many things, but by the time I actually get here, they either seem unimportant, or I forget them.
It's 9:41 right now, so I might go to bed relatively soon...I don't want to have a bad dream though, and I don't want to wake up too early. I hate my sleeping habits.
Anyways, I'm gonna go...

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Short update, I guess.

Sorry i haven't posted in several days, the Internet has hardly been working on my lAptop, and I didn't want to blog on my moms computer incase she checked the history. I never even thought to try using my iPod until now. That's why I'm posting. I really hate typing on iPods, the keys are so small.
Anyways, the last few days have not been very eventful. I finished my research paper today!!! Finaly. I got new shoes, size six, and they're still too big! I have small feet! So either tonight or tomorrow I am going to return them and find another pair, thAt comes in my size, which may be hard around here…
I pierced my ears about 30 minutes ago with a needle. I first pierced my ears on my own in grade 5 or 6.
I have exams in two or three weeks. On a tuesday and Friday.
I can't think of anything to say. There is zomething I want to say, but it's too long and I'm in a bad mood now XD

Sunday, January 09, 2011


I have been saying now, for the last 6 months or so, that there are only 3 people that I hate. Well, I was wrong. I don't even know how I didn't realize until now. My mothers boyfriend is the fourth person I truly hate.
I've hated him from the beginning, literally. Half and hour after meeting the guy, I has already screamed and swore at him (not normal at all for me) and, because my mother took his side, I walked to another town and stayed in the woods, in thw middle of winter until I calmed down. My mother had even gone looking for me because I had been gone so long.
Of course, I'm writing this while mad. So some may think I only think I hate him because I'm mad at him, but no. That's not why. I honestly do hate him, every fucking thing about him.
I hate that he is drunk 24/7. He didn't have a hard life or any reason to be an alcoholic, he just likes to be drunk and cant function anymore sober because he's so used to being drunk.
I hate that he has two children who he barely pays attention to because he doesn't like their mother. That shouldn't matter, they're his kids, he should spend time with them. He sees them like twice a year for a few hours. He has more to do with me than he does his realy children. He could at least even call them once a week or something.
I hate how rude and cocky he is. He has a huge ego. He thinks he's the best guy in the whole fucking world and that everyone except me and his ex-wife love him. He even calls my mother fat and says she isn't good enough for him and has to lose weight. My mother isn't even really all that overweight.
I hate how he openly talks about sex where I can hear. No, I do not want him to hear him ask my mother if she wants his "large cock." She doesn't want me hearing either. I hate how he calls my cats whores, and says they want stuff done to their "cunt" when in heat.
He's a stupid, drunk, pathetic, dead beat dad, gross, narcissitic, pervert, who I really don't care about. he could die, and I'd be happy. Honestly.
You might be wondering why I'm so mad at him now. And, the reason is childish, but after every fuck-up, the small things come together to make a great big picture of horribleness. Anywyas, I'm mad because he touched one of my muffins. He was going to eat it, but it had the paper case thing on it, so he just left it on the counter. Once he left the room, I ripped that one and the other one left (where'd the other three go?) And sprinkled the pieces all over the mess he left.
First of all, I made the muffins for me, there were other muffin mixed bought for him. And, where I'm vegan, the muffins were made especially for me, because I can't eat most of the muffins. And, the egg replacer that I buy, which is really not much, costs like 10 dollars for one small box. So, he's wasting that, wasting muffins, etc. And, it just pisses me off. Anyways I brought all of the muffin mixes (vegan and non-vegan) into my room, and plan on throwing them out or making them for myself or friends or hobos or something. Anyone, as long as they don't go to him. The biggest muffine mix, which I can't eat, I might even donate somehwere, I'm sure someone could use it.
That guy, the Drunk as I usually call him (behind his back and to his face), is just so.....there are no words to describe how much of a pathetic piece of shit he is.
Well, I'm starting to feel better now that I've said all of that.... Maybe I will sleep tonight. I don't sleep when I'm mad, and it's already almost 3:00 am. He was making grilled cheeses at 2:00 because he was drunk.
Fuck. I hate him sooooooooo much.
And I don't hate many people.
Well... so much for getting up early tomorrow morning and cleaning my room and doing my homework before Johnny came over.
Oh, and another thing he did; my cat Jake was meowing earlier, so he called out for me to let Jake in my room. It was 2:30 in the morning, why the fuck would I still be awake. I definately shouldn't be. He just assumes that I'm awake, and I HATE when people assume stuff about me. I almost told him to fuck off, but that would mean proving him right about me being awake. Of course the only reason I was awake was becuase of him and his loud mouth and stomping around because he doesn't know how to walk.
Gah. He makes me incredibly mad.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

First day back to school.

Today was not horrible like I expected. I actually had a lot of fun. We didn't do all that much work, but I had fun. I do plan to get back to actually working tomorrow or Monday. In Biology Jenna, Ali and I (we've all known eachother since we were three or younger) made a plan (that hopefully we go through with) to get together next weekend to work on our science fair projects that are due on the 17th. None of us are really ready, so we were thingk about getting together to help quickly throw them together and make them presentable. I am also going to be bringing my telescope with me, which kind of scares me, because I dont want to break it XD, so I'll be careful about bringing it with me. And that would be fun to do.
I started writing my research paper. I have probably about 200/1000 words so far. Which isn't bad for the first day, and I only started writing with 30 minutes left in the class.
When I got home from school today I went on Facebook, and saw that I had a few notifications. One was of a wall post from Johnny, and he never posts on my wall, I think this is the first time ever, and so I, as confused and shocked as I was, went to my wall to see what it was, and it was actually really nice, I was just expecting a funny story to be honest. So, as always when someone says something nice to me, I had no idea how to respond. Of course, I knew he wouldn't even expect a responce from me, not on a public social networking site, but I wanted to respond there too, because if someone else saw it, if I didn't respond, they may think I was mean, and I wanted to shock him, and I knew that he'd be shocked in a good way by it. So, after about 30 minutes of thinking, I finally came up with a responce (he was offline by this point). So I showed it to Dani, who I had already been talking to about it, and asked her what she thought of my responce, she said it seemed good and normal and everything (I wrote it on Microsoft Word, so there were no mistakes). Since everything was good, I posted it, and a few hours later, when he came back on msn he commented on how he was surprised I responded, because it's not something he thought I'd do, but he said he liked it, which is the main reason I posted it, so, yeah, that was good.
I don't really have any reason for sharing that story, I guess I just wanted to.
We got a cat door today! Only Care will go through it on his own so far. And his fat gets stuck on the bottom, so he has to pull it through. I don't know why, but that cat is made fun of so much for being fat, especially by me. XD But, it makes him unique. If he weren't fat, he wouldn't be him. I make fun of him for being fat, but I love his fat.
Hopefully the other cats start using it soon. XD
There isn't much to write about anymore, and I need to shower, so I'm going to go do that....

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Random Questions.

In one word, how would you describe your childhood?
I can't really describe it in one word, I basically had three different childhoods; when my parents were together, when I was with my mom, and when I was with my father.
When my parents were together, up until 4 or 5, I would say happy. My parents started fighting when I was 4 or 5, and I remember hating it. Of course, now, I'm glad they fought and got a divorce.
When I was with my father after that, I would say unhappy. I was happy sometimes of course, but there was a lot of bottle up unhappiness.
When I was with my mom, I would say happy. I loved being with my mom as a child.

What memory from this past year makes you smile?
There are a lot of things that make me smile, but right now, one thing I can think of that makes me smile, would be once, about two months ago, I was standing outside the Chemistry room, while my two friends put their stuff in the class room, and the teacher walked out of the class, and made eye contact with me (this is my favourite teacher) and then, as he was walking back into the room he said, "You know, you can come into the classroom." I felt so stupid, but it was really funny too. And, that wouldn't be the stupidest thing to happen between that teacher and I. Once, in Grade 10, I was unable to get my chair out from under the desk, like pull it out, and I had to ask him for help. But, it was stuck kind of lopsided, so I'm not completely stupid, I'm just weak, and he had some trouble too. XD

What simple gesture have you recently witnessed that renewed your hope in humanity?
Honestly, nothing, but I've hardly left my house in three weeks..

What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend?
Someone who is nice. Not just to me, but to everyone, to an extent. If the other person isn't nice, they shouldn't be nice, but if the other person is nice to them, or at least not mean, they should be nice, or at least not mean to them.
Someone who is trustworthy. I probably wont trust them, but if they're trustworthy, there is a better chance of me trusting them a bit.
Someone who isn't obsessed with one thing. If the person is obsessed with something, and only talks about that one thing, I don't want to talk to them. I like having a variety of conversation topics.

What is your favourite sound?
The sound of heart beating. I really like the sound because it shows that the person's alive, and if I can hear your heart beat, then I'm probably physically close to you, and if I'm physically close, then I'm probably emotionally close, and if I'm emotionally close to you, I'm happy you're alive.

What makes you feel secure?
I'm a really insecure person, and not much makes me feel secure.
Sure, people do sometimes, but the security usually goes after a while, and can only reach a certain extent of my insecurity.

What's the number one change you need to make in your life in the next twelve months?
I need to get myself under control. I'm changing, I need to figure out who I am, stoop changing, accept myself, help myself, get my sleeping habits back to normal, etc.

What was the most defining moment in your life this past year?
It would definately be the fight with my father, I'd say. The fight has effected me a lot, and it is what started me changing. Before the fight, everything was fine, and I was me. And after the fight, my eating habits have dropped and soared high, my moods have changed, how I think has changed, the people I care about has changed, I have changed as a person, etc.

What do you sometimes pretend you understand that you really don't?
If someone says something to me, and I, for some reason, don't understand, and they explain more than once, I'll say I understand after a while, even if I don't, because it's annoying for both people involved. But who doesn't do that at least a bit?

What is the biggest challenge you face right now?
School, I'd say. It just stresses me out a lot. But things are starting to look a little better.

How many hours of TV do you watch in a week? A month? A year?
I usually only watch tv once every few weeks. I have two tv's in my room, one I use as a table(XD), the one I use properly, is usually only on after Johnny leaves, or sometimes when I sleep. When I first got the satalite box thing that hooks up to the tv, I didn;t even hook it up for at least 4 months. XD

What's the most enjoyable thing your family has done in the last three years?
Camping once. I went to the city with my mom and aunt (Ali's mom). Ali, her mother and I went to another providence for the weekend once, just to shop. Family gatherings are fun, on my fathers side. I love when the entire family gets together. There's about 40 of us then. I'm usually only with Ali, but it's still fun to just be around everyone.

What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?
I guess, spending more time getting to know stories from my grandfather, or having him teach me to play guitar. He died 5 years ago, but before he died, to have done those things.

What experience from the past do you appreciate the most?
The fight with my father; it taught me a lot.
My parents getting divorced; if they never divorced, I'd never have an escape from my father.
My first relationship; it taught me a lot, because I never make the same mistake twice.

What are you most excited about in your life right now?
Next semster. No more english, canadian history, or biology! And, I get my favourite teacher!

In twenty years, what do you want to remember?
I want to remember everything important and life changing, so I will know what made me who I am.

Whom do you secretly envy? Why?
I don't really know who I envy. I used to envy people who were closer with their mothers, because since the beginning of summer, my mother and I have not been as close, but even that is starting to not matter to me now.

How have you sabotaged yourself in the last five years?
Everything horrible that happened, happened after my grandfather passed away.
I first cut.
I first started caring about my weight.
I stopped caring about school as much.
My relationship with my father got worse the older I got.

In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?
This is hard to answer. I'll be halfway through my last year of high school.
Hopefully I'll know more about myself, and have some really good relationships (friendships, romantic relationships, whatever)
I'd like to have an idea about what I'd like to do in the future.
Maybe I'll have a liscence, so I can see my brother more.
Other than that, I think my relationship with my mother will get worse, and my realtionship with my father will be good aquaintences, and nothing more. Maybe Johnny and I will still be together, who knows? And Ali and I will hopefully still be close.
I've just recently decided she's my bestfriend. Though I can't talk to her about the important emotional stuff much, there are things that I can talk to only her about, and we really understand eachother when it comes to that stuff. For a while, I didn't think I really had a bestfriend, I used to have two, but I think it's just her now. We've always had eachother, since I was 9 months old (when she was born), and we're family.

Are you happy with where you are in your life? Why?
I'm both happy and unhappy. I'm unhappy with school and friendships.
But I'm happy where I am with Johnny and Ali, and with a few of my interests, and part of who I'm becoming. And I think, in the end, everything will end up fine, it's just hard getting there.

Who has had the greatest impact on your life?
Anyone I've been close to.
My mother, my father, my four grandparents, all of my pets, my bestfriends, my good friends, my enemies (not close to them though) my boyfriends, the rest of my family, my teachers, etc.

Who depends on you?
I don't really think anyone does.
My cats, especially Aaron and Jacob, do.

What do you want more of in your life? What do you want less of in your life?
I'd like more sleep in my life, and stability, and understanding, and happiness.
I'd like less stress and arguing in my life.

What is one opportunity you missed out on when you were younger?
I never went to kindergarten. XD But, I was a smart child anyways, especially with reading and writing, which is probably why I love it now. XD My mom taught me to read and write before I even started school, so I was able to easily read entire Grade 2 level books when I was 4 or 5.
I don't think I missed out on much, I did a lot, I had a lot. I was pretty spoiled by my mom actually.

At what point in the last five years have you felt lost and alone?
My my grandfather passed away. And, I don't know, I have for a lot of it, but I also didn't.. so maybe 35% of the last 5 years I have.

Who would you like to forgive?
No one. If I haven't already forgiven you, you don't deserve it.

When you meet someone for the very first time, what do you want them to think about you?
I'd like to them to think I'm a funny, interesting, and good person, I guess. but I don't really care.

If you could go back in time and change things, what would you change about the past week?
Nothing. I like how things are rihgt now, so why bother changing them?

Who would you like to please the most? Why?
Just about everyone. There are very few people who I don't want to please, or people I've given up on trying to please.

What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?
It's stopped my from trying, just about everything.

What has fear of rejection stopped you from doing?
It stops me from talking to people, new people, or people I know. I wont even message someone on msn unless they talk to me first, because I dont want to annoy them or have them not want to talk to me.
I will only message Ali first on msn. I wont even message Johnny first. XD

Back to school!

I'm going back to school tomorrow. I'm really worried about going. I mentioned that to both Johnny and Ali. I told Ali it was because I hadn't been there in a while, and Johnny thought it had been because I was worried my friends would hate me. I told him that wasn't why, but I didn't tell him why. The reason is almost the opposite of what he thought.
Like, how I've been distancing from everyone. I'm worried that I'll be forced to be around them way too much, and I won't have time to just think, this was a problem before winter break, and I'm more distant now than I was before, so maybe it will be worse. And I can't ask them for time alone or ever try to be alone without being obvious, because either way they'd notice, and start talking about it behind my back, or to my face, and think something's wrong, and just try to get too involved in my life, which would make me temporarily hate them. I just don't want any conflicting.
And I do want friends, it's just that I hardly have anything in common with these ones. They think they know me, but they hardly do. The most personal thing any of them know is that I haven't been sleeping good recently. Ali knows a little more than that, but not much. Johnny knows a lot more than that, but still not much. That list of secrets that I have, I haven't updated in a while, but I could, and I should.
And the people who used to know me the most, are the ones who know the least now, mostly because they expect to still know me, so their vision of me is distorted.
At least I have a prep tomorrow, so I have an hour to do nothing but think. Which, is not enough time, but it's all I have. And, it's right after lunch, the most social time, so that's good.
I have double Canadian History, which is not good. The teacher kind of scares me. He almost always looks mad at me. But I have Biology next, which should be fun, since I have Ali and Brandon in that class. And a few other friends, but they're my favourite in that class.
I have English last, we're writing our research papers, which worries me.
But, hopefully everything turns out okay.
I honestly cannot wait for next semester.
I have math, which, I am starting to become interested in more. And Chemistry with my favourite teacher. And yoga. And, some other class that I am switching into instead of Oceans, because the class is apparently really easy and boring and I dont like the teacher.
I need to get everything ready for school tomorrow and straighten my hair.
I also don't really have anything else to write about right now that I can think of.
I'm really bad with good-byes on these sort of things. I feel weird saying bye or anything, and I feel mean if I just leave it blank...
I really shouldn't stress so much over it, but I do.. XD
Johnny and I were talking about my weight issues earlier. And, in the middle of the conversation, I just said we should change the topic, because I really hate being honest with him about my issues. Like, he says I'm fine this way, and I completely disagree, but I feel that if I'm honest with him, he'll think I'm just trying to get attention, and I'm not, but I fear he'll think that way, or get mad or something, so I just don't say much.
We're actually talking about his eating habits right now... he's talking about how his mom wants him to eat more, and probably more healthy, but he says that he eats enough to be alive, and I said that he should eat enough to be healthy, not just to be alive (I'm such a hypocrite).
Anyways, I'm going to go now.

Monday, January 03, 2011

School's back...(this post is hardly about school)

And I'm sick, so I don't think I'll be going back tomorrow... But my mom said she'd drop my homework off tomorrow, so I don't have to worry about that not being handed in, and I'll miss the beginning of writing our Research Papers in English, so I'll be behind the class, but I'm a pretty fast writer, I'm writing a very familiar topic, and I have a prep that I can go in on and finish writing, so I don't mind.
Usually, I always have my iPod for school too. I lost that three weeks ago. But I haven't even bothered looking for it yet, so it could be easy to find... then again, I cleaned my room and never saw it... It must be somewhere else in the house. XD Or on the bookshelves I haven't organized, or under/behind my bed. I'll look tomorrow.
I got all of my homework done, which is really good. I honestly never expected to get here.
Soon, I have to start preparing for exams, I have one in English and one in Biology. I think they'll both be easy, though. I remember most of everything we learned.
According to a Facebook friend of mine, today is J.R.R. Tolkien's birthday. That's pretty cool. I started reading the Lord of The Rings books a while ago, and stopped midway through the first book (something I'm horrible for doing) because I got new books and wanted to read them. I have at least 20 books that I am half finished, and another 80 or so to read. And about 10 missing, or at my cousins. I probably have about 6 of her books here too. In total I have about 210 books, and desperatly need a new bookshelf, mine just don't fit them all, and I am planning on getting more soon. I love books. I love reading too, but I never have time for it anymore. Same with writing. They're two of my most favourite things, and I don't have time for either. I actually spend a lot of my free time playing Chess and Minesweeper.... Oh and just thinking, which I can literally do for hours, or all day, and not get bored for one second.
But reading and writing are more productive than thinking, usually.
My favourite series is the Morganville Vampire series by Rachel Caine. Myrnin's my favourite character!
The series is about a 16 year old prodigy named Claire Danvers who goes to Texas Prarie University to get adjusted to university life before heading off to bigger and better schools, but she ends up knowing too much, and learning all of the towns secrets, such as the vampires, and getting too involved in the town and is forced to become a member and live there. Myrnin, by the way, is Claire's mad scientist boss, who happens to be a vampire.
I also like the Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel series by Michael Scott, the Night World series by L.J. Smith, The Forbidden Game by L.J. Smith, Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Crank and Impulse (the only ones I've read so far) by Ellen Hopkins, Go Ask Alice by "Anonymous," Prey by Lurlean McDaniel, Remember Me by Christopher Pike, The Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx, Cut by Patricia McCormick (probably spelled that wrong).
Those are my favourites that I can think of right now, there are more though.
There are also tons more books that I really want to read, like Shiver, Willow, Wintergirls, Hilary Duff's book, Fallen, and a bunch of others. I don't know the authors names though...
Johnny was here again today. After he left I was worried about him not driving home safely; I read earlier on Facebook that the rode he lives on isn't in a very good condition, but I think he's a safe driver, he always seems to be, and hopefully he is. And they road he lives on, well, it's a "Highway" but it is much more of a road. My school's on that road, all three of the school's I've been to are, actually, and my father's house is, and well, lots of houses.
I didn't get to sleep until 4:00 or later this morning, and I got up at 10:34 I think. I had a bad dream the night before, so I was worried about having on again last night, so I was afraid to sleep. This happens to me more than I'd like to admit. I love sleeping, but I'm also terrified of it too. I've had nightmares my entire life, it used to be nightly, and now it's every few weeks, but when I have them, I usually have them for several nights in a row. Almost all of them are about wild animals too. They've always been about wild animals, ever since I started having them when I was six.
I used to hear coyotes howling at night when I lived with only my mom in the house my father now lives in. No one else ever heard them. I could never sleep alone when I was younger. I either slept with my mom, or shared a room with Brady when at my fathers. I honestly stopped sleeping with my mom whenever possible in Grade 9 or 10. In my fathers house, I've always had to sleep alone, and that was horrible. I was terrified every night. I still hate sleeping there alone. When at my mothers, I can sleep alone, but I prefer either a human or my cat Jacob to be with me. I also sleep with a blanket I've had since I was six and a night light on, and last night the tv on a childrens station, in case I woke up in the middle of the night, so I'd wake up to Rollie Pollie Ollie rather than monsters that are only in my mind.
If it weren't for the coyotes howling when I was six, I don't think I'd be this afraid, and they are still the main thing that scares me about night time. But apparently as a toddler, I'd tell my mom I used to always see an old man in my room at night, and my father's house is thought to be haunted by an old family friend who lived there before we bought it. He died there. I know some people are skeptical, or don't believe in ghosts, but I do, and I think it's completely possible that the place is haunted, I don't fear Richard, the man who lived there, though. My whole family believes it's haunted too. It was also apparently a small hospital or something a long time ago, so apparently a lot of people died in it then, and my grandfather passed away there as well.
I really do like the house, but I'm terrified there at night, or when I'm alone. I grew up in that house, it's the first house I've ever lived in, and one of my parents has always lived there since my birth. My grandmother and aunt both lived there as well, when my aunt was my age.
Anyways, I did not at all expect to write any of what I just wrote, and I'm going to go now, and hopefully soon go to sleep.