In one word, how would you describe your childhood?
I can't really describe it in one word, I basically had three different childhoods; when my parents were together, when I was with my mom, and when I was with my father.
When my parents were together, up until 4 or 5, I would say happy. My parents started fighting when I was 4 or 5, and I remember hating it. Of course, now, I'm glad they fought and got a divorce.
When I was with my father after that, I would say unhappy. I was happy sometimes of course, but there was a lot of bottle up unhappiness.
When I was with my mom, I would say happy. I loved being with my mom as a child.
What memory from this past year makes you smile?
There are a lot of things that make me smile, but right now, one thing I can think of that makes me smile, would be once, about two months ago, I was standing outside the Chemistry room, while my two friends put their stuff in the class room, and the teacher walked out of the class, and made eye contact with me (this is my favourite teacher) and then, as he was walking back into the room he said, "You know, you can come into the classroom." I felt so stupid, but it was really funny too. And, that wouldn't be the stupidest thing to happen between that teacher and I. Once, in Grade 10, I was unable to get my chair out from under the desk, like pull it out, and I had to ask him for help. But, it was stuck kind of lopsided, so I'm not completely stupid, I'm just weak, and he had some trouble too. XD
What simple gesture have you recently witnessed that renewed your hope in humanity?
Honestly, nothing, but I've hardly left my house in three weeks..
What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend?
Someone who is nice. Not just to me, but to everyone, to an extent. If the other person isn't nice, they shouldn't be nice, but if the other person is nice to them, or at least not mean, they should be nice, or at least not mean to them.
Someone who is trustworthy. I probably wont trust them, but if they're trustworthy, there is a better chance of me trusting them a bit.
Someone who isn't obsessed with one thing. If the person is obsessed with something, and only talks about that one thing, I don't want to talk to them. I like having a variety of conversation topics.
What is your favourite sound?
The sound of heart beating. I really like the sound because it shows that the person's alive, and if I can hear your heart beat, then I'm probably physically close to you, and if I'm physically close, then I'm probably emotionally close, and if I'm emotionally close to you, I'm happy you're alive.
What makes you feel secure?
I'm a really insecure person, and not much makes me feel secure.
Sure, people do sometimes, but the security usually goes after a while, and can only reach a certain extent of my insecurity.
What's the number one change you need to make in your life in the next twelve months?
I need to get myself under control. I'm changing, I need to figure out who I am, stoop changing, accept myself, help myself, get my sleeping habits back to normal, etc.
What was the most defining moment in your life this past year?
It would definately be the fight with my father, I'd say. The fight has effected me a lot, and it is what started me changing. Before the fight, everything was fine, and I was me. And after the fight, my eating habits have dropped and soared high, my moods have changed, how I think has changed, the people I care about has changed, I have changed as a person, etc.
What do you sometimes pretend you understand that you really don't?
If someone says something to me, and I, for some reason, don't understand, and they explain more than once, I'll say I understand after a while, even if I don't, because it's annoying for both people involved. But who doesn't do that at least a bit?
What is the biggest challenge you face right now?
School, I'd say. It just stresses me out a lot. But things are starting to look a little better.
How many hours of TV do you watch in a week? A month? A year?
I usually only watch tv once every few weeks. I have two tv's in my room, one I use as a table(XD), the one I use properly, is usually only on after Johnny leaves, or sometimes when I sleep. When I first got the satalite box thing that hooks up to the tv, I didn;t even hook it up for at least 4 months. XD
What's the most enjoyable thing your family has done in the last three years?
Camping once. I went to the city with my mom and aunt (Ali's mom). Ali, her mother and I went to another providence for the weekend once, just to shop. Family gatherings are fun, on my fathers side. I love when the entire family gets together. There's about 40 of us then. I'm usually only with Ali, but it's still fun to just be around everyone.
What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?
I guess, spending more time getting to know stories from my grandfather, or having him teach me to play guitar. He died 5 years ago, but before he died, to have done those things.
What experience from the past do you appreciate the most?
The fight with my father; it taught me a lot.
My parents getting divorced; if they never divorced, I'd never have an escape from my father.
My first relationship; it taught me a lot, because I never make the same mistake twice.
What are you most excited about in your life right now?
Next semster. No more english, canadian history, or biology! And, I get my favourite teacher!
In twenty years, what do you want to remember?
I want to remember everything important and life changing, so I will know what made me who I am.
Whom do you secretly envy? Why?
I don't really know who I envy. I used to envy people who were closer with their mothers, because since the beginning of summer, my mother and I have not been as close, but even that is starting to not matter to me now.
How have you sabotaged yourself in the last five years?
Everything horrible that happened, happened after my grandfather passed away.
I first cut.
I first started caring about my weight.
I stopped caring about school as much.
My relationship with my father got worse the older I got.
In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?
This is hard to answer. I'll be halfway through my last year of high school.
Hopefully I'll know more about myself, and have some really good relationships (friendships, romantic relationships, whatever)
I'd like to have an idea about what I'd like to do in the future.
Maybe I'll have a liscence, so I can see my brother more.
Other than that, I think my relationship with my mother will get worse, and my realtionship with my father will be good aquaintences, and nothing more. Maybe Johnny and I will still be together, who knows? And Ali and I will hopefully still be close.
I've just recently decided she's my bestfriend. Though I can't talk to her about the important emotional stuff much, there are things that I can talk to only her about, and we really understand eachother when it comes to that stuff. For a while, I didn't think I really had a bestfriend, I used to have two, but I think it's just her now. We've always had eachother, since I was 9 months old (when she was born), and we're family.
Are you happy with where you are in your life? Why?
I'm both happy and unhappy. I'm unhappy with school and friendships.
But I'm happy where I am with Johnny and Ali, and with a few of my interests, and part of who I'm becoming. And I think, in the end, everything will end up fine, it's just hard getting there.
Who has had the greatest impact on your life?
Anyone I've been close to.
My mother, my father, my four grandparents, all of my pets, my bestfriends, my good friends, my enemies (not close to them though) my boyfriends, the rest of my family, my teachers, etc.
Who depends on you?
I don't really think anyone does.
My cats, especially Aaron and Jacob, do.
What do you want more of in your life? What do you want less of in your life?
I'd like more sleep in my life, and stability, and understanding, and happiness.
I'd like less stress and arguing in my life.
What is one opportunity you missed out on when you were younger?
I never went to kindergarten. XD But, I was a smart child anyways, especially with reading and writing, which is probably why I love it now. XD My mom taught me to read and write before I even started school, so I was able to easily read entire Grade 2 level books when I was 4 or 5.
I don't think I missed out on much, I did a lot, I had a lot. I was pretty spoiled by my mom actually.
At what point in the last five years have you felt lost and alone?
My my grandfather passed away. And, I don't know, I have for a lot of it, but I also didn't.. so maybe 35% of the last 5 years I have.
Who would you like to forgive?
No one. If I haven't already forgiven you, you don't deserve it.
When you meet someone for the very first time, what do you want them to think about you?
I'd like to them to think I'm a funny, interesting, and good person, I guess. but I don't really care.
If you could go back in time and change things, what would you change about the past week?
Nothing. I like how things are rihgt now, so why bother changing them?
Who would you like to please the most? Why?
Just about everyone. There are very few people who I don't want to please, or people I've given up on trying to please.
What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?
It's stopped my from trying, just about everything.
What has fear of rejection stopped you from doing?
It stops me from talking to people, new people, or people I know. I wont even message someone on msn unless they talk to me first, because I dont want to annoy them or have them not want to talk to me.
I will only message Ali first on msn. I wont even message Johnny first. XD