I'm going back to school tomorrow. I'm really worried about going. I mentioned that to both Johnny and Ali. I told Ali it was because I hadn't been there in a while, and Johnny thought it had been because I was worried my friends would hate me. I told him that wasn't why, but I didn't tell him why. The reason is almost the opposite of what he thought.
Like, how I've been distancing from everyone. I'm worried that I'll be forced to be around them way too much, and I won't have time to just think, this was a problem before winter break, and I'm more distant now than I was before, so maybe it will be worse. And I can't ask them for time alone or ever try to be alone without being obvious, because either way they'd notice, and start talking about it behind my back, or to my face, and think something's wrong, and just try to get too involved in my life, which would make me temporarily hate them. I just don't want any conflicting.
And I do want friends, it's just that I hardly have anything in common with these ones. They think they know me, but they hardly do. The most personal thing any of them know is that I haven't been sleeping good recently. Ali knows a little more than that, but not much. Johnny knows a lot more than that, but still not much. That list of secrets that I have, I haven't updated in a while, but I could, and I should.
And the people who used to know me the most, are the ones who know the least now, mostly because they expect to still know me, so their vision of me is distorted.
At least I have a prep tomorrow, so I have an hour to do nothing but think. Which, is not enough time, but it's all I have. And, it's right after lunch, the most social time, so that's good.
I have double Canadian History, which is not good. The teacher kind of scares me. He almost always looks mad at me. But I have Biology next, which should be fun, since I have Ali and Brandon in that class. And a few other friends, but they're my favourite in that class.
I have English last, we're writing our research papers, which worries me.
But, hopefully everything turns out okay.
I honestly cannot wait for next semester.
I have math, which, I am starting to become interested in more. And Chemistry with my favourite teacher. And yoga. And, some other class that I am switching into instead of Oceans, because the class is apparently really easy and boring and I dont like the teacher.
I need to get everything ready for school tomorrow and straighten my hair.
I also don't really have anything else to write about right now that I can think of.
I'm really bad with good-byes on these sort of things. I feel weird saying bye or anything, and I feel mean if I just leave it blank...
I really shouldn't stress so much over it, but I do.. XD
Johnny and I were talking about my weight issues earlier. And, in the middle of the conversation, I just said we should change the topic, because I really hate being honest with him about my issues. Like, he says I'm fine this way, and I completely disagree, but I feel that if I'm honest with him, he'll think I'm just trying to get attention, and I'm not, but I fear he'll think that way, or get mad or something, so I just don't say much.
We're actually talking about his eating habits right now... he's talking about how his mom wants him to eat more, and probably more healthy, but he says that he eats enough to be alive, and I said that he should eat enough to be healthy, not just to be alive (I'm such a hypocrite).
Anyways, I'm going to go now.