Tuesday, January 25, 2011

"I've never felt so alien."

Those are lyrics from the song Chemistry of a Car Crash by Shiny Toy Guns.
They kind of relate to how I feel right now, except I've felt more alien before. Since last night, I've for the most part, just been unsure of anything that I want, or how I feel, or anything. The only time I was really sure of anything is when I was writing my English exam this morning, which was really easy. Johnny and I were talking last night, we didn't have a fight or anything like that, but we were talking about something (I don't want to say what) and, it didn't make me mad, it just didn't make me happy either, and I've been thinking about it a lot. I want to talk to him more about it, I think, but I don't even know if I want to. I don't think I would want to talk to him in person about it. Things have just kind of sucked for us recently. Well, there's this, and what I've been talking about in previous posts, with my friend. She told him to find out what the issue is and for him to tell her, and she just keeps trying to use him to find out what it is, and it doesn't even have anything to do with him. I don't care that he knows, but she should have left him out of it. It's incredibly stupid that she's trying to get information through him, and he'd have to trick me in order to get it. He told me, of course, and said he wasn't going to tell her, and I don't tell him much about it anyways, because I don't want him to get trapped in the middle. She's just dumb. If she wants to know what it is, she can ask me, rather than try to get my boyfriend to trick me and then go behind my back and tell her. I'm just getting really sick of her. Maybe I should message her... I don't want to, but it would stop Johnny from getting trapped in the middle, which he doesn't deserve. He's friends with both of us, he shouldn't have to be the messenger. I know he thinks I should just message her, and she wants me to, so it would keep her from dragging him into it...maybe. Hopefully. I used to never have drama in my life...until summer. I don't know if most people would consider this drama, but since I rarely have any, it is to me. I think I may go and try to write her a letter, only a rough copy on Microsoft Word though.


  1. Well, I hope it works out for you. I agree, getting somebody to be "the inside man" is pretty... dumb, as you say.

  2. You should most definitely talk to her about, message her or whatever. It's not fair to him to be trapped into petty things. Not trying to be mean but you know what the problem is and it just seems like you are trying to avoid confrontation. But trust me, it gets better.

  3. If you keep avoiding your problems they wont get fixed. Trust me. I've done it, and it never turns out pretty. Johnny doesn't deserve that he sounds like a nice guy, and sounds like he treats you well he shouldn't be sufficated by two girls problems. Especially if he has nothing to do with it.
    Also, all relationships have problems. Trust me. My boyfriend is currently mad at me because I wont go to the ball and prom with him cause I hate dresses. haha. Stupid I know. You'll get through it.
    Talk to your friend.

  4. I did finally message her, we've been talking back and forth through the messages now. It's not going completely as planned. She wants to just give me space when I need it, and hang out with me when I'm okay with it. And, to me, that would make it seem like I was using her, if I only hung out with her when I wanted to like that. So I agreed to her idea, which I just explained, and I told her I'd message her when I was ready to hang out, and hopefully she waits until then, because I'm using this time to try to think of a better idea. XD
    Johnny also said he'd stay out of it; I had to convinve him to, because he did wants to help, but it's better for him to not be involved, and he told her he wasn't getting involved and I brought bringing him into it up with her. So he is no longer involved, which is good.