Monday, April 04, 2011


I hate just about everything right now. I missed school today, because I hardly slept last night because I have a cold. And I'll probably miss tomorrow too, but not because of the cold or lack of sleep. I don't know what I should and shouldn't say.. I don't want to say something that would bother Johnny, if he were ever to read this. Which I doubt will ever happen, and really hope never happens. I'll say it in point-form without much detail I guess.
  • I was friends with M.
  • M became friends with R.
  • M and I became friends with Johnny.
  • R and Johnny hate eachother.
  • R and M starting arguing.
  • I became friends with R.
  • I stopped talking to R.
  • A month or so later I started again, when M and R weren't talking.
  • R talked to me about the problems with M, and M talked to me about the problems with R.
  • Because of this, and other reasons I became distant with M, and we weren't as close.
  • I stopped talking to R.
  • M and R became friends again.
  • R told M to stop talking to Johnny, and M listened.
  • Johnny was upset that M stopped talking to him, and would talk to me about it.
  • I of course became mad at M for ignoring Johnny and hurting him.
  • M started talking to Johnny again.
  • M stopped talking to R.
  • I'm still mad at M for hurting Johnny.
  • M is upset that I no longer want to be friends because of what they did to Johnny (who I had been dating at the time).
  • M lost most of their good friends because of R, me being one of them.
  • M only really has Johnny.
  • I only really have Johnny.
  • M talks to Johnny about being friendless.
  • Johnny feels bad for M, and dislikes that I haven't forgiven M like he has.
  • Johnny and I have negative conversations because of M.

Basically, Johnny forgave M, and I can't, because of them ignoring Johnny for no good reason and hurting him. Johnny and I rarely have anything negative between us, except all of the shit involving M. This is the second time in 2011, that me and M not being friends has bothered my relationship or friendship with Johnny. Which only makes me hate M more, which is bad for my friendship with Johnny. I'm considering transfering schools to get away from M completely. I don't want them in my life, at all. All they do is make me and Johnny more distant while talking about the problem. And Johnny had said he thought he and I dating had something to do my the friendship of M and I deteriorating, which is not at all true. I have no idea why he'd think that... Maybe because the main reason I hate M is because she hurt HIM. But, still, she chose to, that's not his fault. This entire issue, and there was pretty much the same one at the end of January is so horrible for Johnny and I, which I can't have. He makes it seem like M is the only one really hurt or upset, and they're the victim, etc. Yet, he was the victim, she was the bad guy, and I'm just the person who cares about the victim. Like, if someone murdered my brother, I'd hate the murderer. It's the same thing here, except different people, and different "crime."
Johnny just told me he was going to go get some fresh air... I don't know if it's because he really want to, or if it's just an excuse to get away from me... I hope it's the first.
I completely hate M. I don't want to go to school tomorrow, because M will be there, but I may have to go. I can't skip Yoga, but I could easily skip double math. M sits right beside me in Math. I might actually do that... and then just sign in after Math is over and go to Chemistry. But, I've never skipped before, at least not without my mother knowing, or on my own...I'd be terrified of getting caught, and I know no one who'd skip with me.Most of my friends are in my math class...the only one that isn't, would never skip... well, none of my friends would skip to begin with.... I'll figure something out tomorrow.
On a more positive note.. Johnny was over Saturday night, and it was really good. We had a lot of fun, and when we were laying in bed watching a movie right before going to bed, so I could see better, we were able to cuddle, and I got to lay my head on his chest, and I got like an hour long hug. We kissed quite a bit too. Even though I know we're only friends, it still makes me feel happy, and safe, and it shows that he cares about me as a friend, and that we're still able to be really close. That Saturday and Sunday really were so great...I'd definately put that night on repeat and live it forever. XD
Anyways, I've hardly done homework in a month...I don't know how I'm going to make it through the semester...
I really hope I can get back to normal over Summer so I can actually make it through all of next year. Grade 12 is more important than 11...
I hate my life so much right now...

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