I went to Johnny's last night for the night. I was really upset, because last week he had been really nice, and we had talked about maybe getting back together, and how he cared about me more than M, if that's what I was calling her... and then after that, we barely talked for a week, and hardly saw eachother. And then we were supposed to be hanging out tomorrow, like him picking me around 5:00 and then dropping me off tomorrow afternoon when he was going to his friends house. Instead, at 6:30 he messaged me to say he was at a friends and might be coming over to my house tonight, and then hanging out with me tomorrow, so maybe not spending the night. And I had already been having a really horrible week, so I was even more upset. I ended up cutting, because I didn't think he was going to come over at all, and I wasn't really thinking about how he'd probably be around sometime soon and see them before they healed anyways. At 6:30, he said he'd be on MSN again in an hour, but never was. He showed up here around 11:30. And asked if I still wanted to go to his house, but that he couldn't drive me back today. Even though my mother had already said she wouldn't be able to come get me, I said yes anyways, because I really wanted to see him, and he wouldn't have been spending the night, and if I went there, I would be.
When we got to his house, we weren't there too long before we ended up talking about us, and I think he was really starting to notice and realize how upset I am recently, and how much everything's been effecting me. I didn't tell him completely how bad it's been. The worst thing I mentioned was how I've felt like I was going to go insane, or break down, and never get back to normal, which I honestly have felt like. We talked more about getting back together, and how part of him wanted to be with me, but another part didn't know, and was confused. Eventually we decided to get back together, because he thought we both needed emotional support, and that this would help make us both happy. Of course I am happy that we're back together now, I'm just also terrified, because I know it wont last, and he'll probably never feel the same about me again. We're going to try to get closer, but I don't think it will work.
I finally got what I've wanted for over a month now, and though I'm happy it happened, I'm still unhappy in general. I think that maybe it's too late for it to be fixed, and his feelings are gone too much. I want to stay with him, and we're going to try to get closer, but his feelings aren't strong, and I'm still unhappy. Like, the first time we got back together, I was so happy when it happened, and this time, it hardly changes how I feel. It feels almost like we're still broke up. I hope that over time things will get better, and that we wont just break up again sometime soon. I know it will happen eventually, but I don't want to think about it.
I hardly know who I am anymore. I'm just spiralling downwards, I can barely control it anymore. I have no idea what's going to happen to me, at all. I miss December. We were so close and happy then. I just wish I hadn't held myself back so much. This is probably my last chance to have anything with him again. If things get better, maybe I'll get better, and I'll be normal and happy again, but if things don't get better between us, it will only make things worse with me, and my emotions, etc.
I had quite a bit of fun at his house though. I didn't have many of the happy feelings I used to get, sometimes even when we were broke up, like this safe, warm blanket washing over me. I think it's because I'm so terrified of losing him, and so hurt already.
He knows I love him, he may not completely know how much, but he might be close to knowing, seeing how upset I get over him.
All of this is slowly ruining me. He's the only one with the potential of stopping it from happening, but I don't think he's able to do that.