Wednesday, April 06, 2011

dhbfcjkfgvedhfv ):

I had a bad dream about Johnny getting another girlfriend a month after we broke up, and him completely moving on, and thinking I had too, while really I was stuck in the past. There were more details, but I don't really feel like talking about it. It was really sad though. I woke up from it at 5:45 this morning, and then I remembered today is exactly 1 month since we broke up. It feels so crazy that I've lasted this long without him. I hate it. I hate life. I honestly wish I could get cancer or something and die.
I don't care what my mother says, I'm not going to school today. I have a major test to write, but I can write it whenever I go back, which will probably be tomorrow, but I don't know.
It's 6:45 right now. My mother will be getting up in 15 minutes to get me up.
I'm going to message Johnny after I tell my mother I'm staying home, asking him to message me back whenever he gets on MSN, because I'm staying home from school. Then, I might try to get back to sleep, but I don't know if I'll be able to, or if I'll want to.
Things had got to the point where I wasn't crying every single day now.. I was still crying most, but not all, and now I wake up crying. It's like I'm back at the very beginning, a month ago. I hate this so much. My life is going absolutely no where. Mid term marks come out in a few weeks... I know I'm going to be doing horrible in every class. I had been doing so good in my classes before the break up, and I was excited for next year. Now I don't give a fuck about anything.
I remember when we first broke up, he said I should be fine after a month... I'm just as bad as I was in the beginning, except I'm usually better at ignoring my sadness now. It's still there, I just pretend it isn't... He'll probably be upset when I tell him today, but I have to. Maybe because of the dream... he had thought I moved on, when I hadn't. And, today is already going to be horrible, so hopefully he and I can talk a lot, because he's the only thing that really makes me happy now. Once I talk to him, things might not be so bad. Maybe. I just know whether it helps or not, I really need to talk to him. It will at least help a little.


  1. Have you even tried looking for another guy?
    The reason why I ask is because when I moved my boyfriend and I had to break it off cause of the distance and he got a new girlfriend the week after we broke up so I started looking for other guys and at first no One was as good as he was but eventually I found someone
    I was thinking you should try the same

  2. I've thought about that, and I've tried it. Like, I've tried to like other people or find people I could potentially like. It didn't work out so well, haha. I find negative qualities in every guy, except him. I think I might just let it happen naturally over time rather than forcing it. Like, I do think I'll need to find another guy to help me get over him, but that doesn't really have to be right away. And things are pretty good between us right now, like as more than friends, but not in any way together, so I can still stay like this for a while longer.