Monday, April 25, 2011


I'm finished the letter to Johnny.
He'll be here around 5:00 today to visit, and I will be giving him the letter some time today.
I'm really nervous.
He said he wanted to wait and read it alone, so he could think a bit afterwards. But, I asked him to read it here with me, incase he has questions and so we could maybe talk about it a bit, and I told him I'd give him time to think and everything. And he can always think about it more later. He finally agreed to read it in my presence.
It might take him a while to read, so I'll be really embarrassed the whole time, sitting there with him as he reads it, but I still want to be there when he reads it.
It's 12 complete pages long. Double sided, single spaced.
It doesn't have everything I wanted to tell him in it, but it has some of the more important stuff. I could write forever, and it wouldn't be long enough.
Anyways, it's 2:30 right now.
I'm so terrified that it will change things between us for the worse, but maybe it could make things better, and if not, at least I got it out there in the open and he'll know about it. And this way, in the future, I wont regret not telling him.
It's a really big risk, but clearly one I'm going to take.
He and I will probably never be together or really love eachother like we did again. I still love him of course, but I know I need to focus more on keeping our friendship strong, if I don't want to completely lose him. And I can't lose him, so I have to.
I'm trying to be the perfect friend I can be.
I just hope it's good enough.

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