Friday, April 29, 2011

It's so impossible to post anymore...
Today's my father's birthday. So what. We had no communication.
I was going to go to a party with Johnny tonight, but he said it would be crowded, and I wouldn't like the atmosphere, so I'm not going. He'll be over Sunday around 3 or 4. And he promised to take me to the next party, so I can finally see him playing with his band. Apparently a lot of people like them. This is their second show...
He was talking about how he doesn't like that we talk daily. He says eventually it will get boring, and we'll have nothing to say. I don't agree with this, but whatever. After this conversation, I was obviously upset, and signed out of MSN and Facebook for an hour. Which is a big deal for me. :\ I had to close my internet browser down, like with the X button in the top right hand corner. When I brought it back up, it went to the homepage which is Facebook, and I had a notification. It was Johnny apologizing for earlier, and saying I was amazing and deserved better than him. I don't want better than him, but I didn't say that. We talked about it a bit there. I think the letter may be starting to bother him. I commented on how he said it wouldn't change things, and he said maybe he was wrong.
He also may be moving to Ontario in a year. To focus on music. I hate this, of course, but there's nothing I can do. Well, there is, he even admitted that if it would be too hard on me, he couldn't go, because that's not something he could do, and yeah, it would be incredibly hard on me, but I wont tell him that. I don't want to force him to stay behind and throw his dreams away, and probably resent me in the end. So, whatever he does, I have to deal with it, even if it kills me. There's according to him, a 30% chance he'll go, but I'm still terrified.
My mind is really fucked up right now. It's hard to describe. It's hard to live with; and I can't exactly escape my mind.
I missed the last two days of school. School is terrible. Public is. Being away from Johnny is. Life is.
I started cutting more again too. Not much, but a bit. Not enough to help.


  1. I'm real bad with saying sympathetic stuff, and I'm only doing it because I don't see anyone else commenting. All I can say is that I hope it gets better, ay.


  2. Well thanks.
    And, I don't really expect many comments anymore, since all I post about it pretty much just depressing, and not daily, or anything anymore.