Friday, April 29, 2011

It's so impossible to post anymore...
Today's my father's birthday. So what. We had no communication.
I was going to go to a party with Johnny tonight, but he said it would be crowded, and I wouldn't like the atmosphere, so I'm not going. He'll be over Sunday around 3 or 4. And he promised to take me to the next party, so I can finally see him playing with his band. Apparently a lot of people like them. This is their second show...
He was talking about how he doesn't like that we talk daily. He says eventually it will get boring, and we'll have nothing to say. I don't agree with this, but whatever. After this conversation, I was obviously upset, and signed out of MSN and Facebook for an hour. Which is a big deal for me. :\ I had to close my internet browser down, like with the X button in the top right hand corner. When I brought it back up, it went to the homepage which is Facebook, and I had a notification. It was Johnny apologizing for earlier, and saying I was amazing and deserved better than him. I don't want better than him, but I didn't say that. We talked about it a bit there. I think the letter may be starting to bother him. I commented on how he said it wouldn't change things, and he said maybe he was wrong.
He also may be moving to Ontario in a year. To focus on music. I hate this, of course, but there's nothing I can do. Well, there is, he even admitted that if it would be too hard on me, he couldn't go, because that's not something he could do, and yeah, it would be incredibly hard on me, but I wont tell him that. I don't want to force him to stay behind and throw his dreams away, and probably resent me in the end. So, whatever he does, I have to deal with it, even if it kills me. There's according to him, a 30% chance he'll go, but I'm still terrified.
My mind is really fucked up right now. It's hard to describe. It's hard to live with; and I can't exactly escape my mind.
I missed the last two days of school. School is terrible. Public is. Being away from Johnny is. Life is.
I started cutting more again too. Not much, but a bit. Not enough to help.

Monday, April 25, 2011


Well, I gave Johnny the letter.
After editing it to sound less bad...
Luckily I photocopied it earlier, so I have an "original" too.
He asked to keep his copy, but then decided not to, because someone would mostlikely find it and read.
I don't think they'd read the whole thing though.. it took him almost an hour to read it.
He said he's really glad I said it all.
And he thanked me for some of the compliments in it, and how I said he's not like most people in society. He said that meant a lot to him.
In the letter, I mentioned how I always sucked at showing I loved him, and how that was probably one of the reasons we broke up, he told me it was. Which didn't surprise me. Of course it infuriated me, I was mad at me for doing it.
He said for all he knows someday we could maybe get back together, seeing as he can't tell the future.
I can't remember every exact word though, of course.
But, nothing really changed between us, except maybe we're a little closer now. After he read it, we were talking and he had me come sit beside him, and we just sat there holding eachother and talking. And of course I was crying. I always cry now.
We talked a lot. And hugged a lot.
I'm incredibly glad I gave him the letter.
I think he is too.
Afterwards, we hugged and cuddled like I said, and we kissed a bit, and wrestled over my note where I write to him. I told him about it in the letter. He said he was going to read it some day. I don't know; maybe. He was trying to read it today; that's why we were wrestling over it.
I guess, today was really good, given the situation.


I'm finished the letter to Johnny.
He'll be here around 5:00 today to visit, and I will be giving him the letter some time today.
I'm really nervous.
He said he wanted to wait and read it alone, so he could think a bit afterwards. But, I asked him to read it here with me, incase he has questions and so we could maybe talk about it a bit, and I told him I'd give him time to think and everything. And he can always think about it more later. He finally agreed to read it in my presence.
It might take him a while to read, so I'll be really embarrassed the whole time, sitting there with him as he reads it, but I still want to be there when he reads it.
It's 12 complete pages long. Double sided, single spaced.
It doesn't have everything I wanted to tell him in it, but it has some of the more important stuff. I could write forever, and it wouldn't be long enough.
Anyways, it's 2:30 right now.
I'm so terrified that it will change things between us for the worse, but maybe it could make things better, and if not, at least I got it out there in the open and he'll know about it. And this way, in the future, I wont regret not telling him.
It's a really big risk, but clearly one I'm going to take.
He and I will probably never be together or really love eachother like we did again. I still love him of course, but I know I need to focus more on keeping our friendship strong, if I don't want to completely lose him. And I can't lose him, so I have to.
I'm trying to be the perfect friend I can be.
I just hope it's good enough.

Friday, April 22, 2011


I was at Johnny's last night. It was amazing. We smiled and joked a lot, and we were really cute and cuddley.. we were like that a lot yesterday and today. But, at one point we were talking about how I care about him, etc. I could have told him almost everything from the letter right there, but I was too scared. So, now when he gets the letter, he'll be even more surprised. He said he somehow knew that I wasn't in love with him...he's going to hate finding out the truth. But, I did honestly admit that I'd be glad to be unhappy, and still love him in 30 years, but I tried to lightly joke about it so it wasn't so bad sounding...he's starting to learn everything, soon he'll know it all.
But, last night really was so great. I was so happy, and I was happy for most of today, even after he dropped me off. Before dropping me off, he had to drop his guitar and amp off at his friends house, and his friend said hi and waved at me, and I'm shy, so I just kind of looked at him from inside Johnny's car, and I didn't know if I should wave or not, but I didn't want to seem like a bitch or something, so after quite a few seconds, I finally waved back... they both laughed at me. XD
We kissed a lot too, and he told me he loved me quite a few times, and we joked around and pushed eachother over and stuff. And, when I was leaving today, before I got out of his car, we kissed and he said he loved me, and I said it back. We never do that was really great.
I have no idea what's going to happen with us, but he makes me happy, so it's not like I'm wasting my time on him or anything. I don't think I ever could.
A few days ago, he was talking about how he was cold, so I said it would be nice if my blanket (the crochetted one from my grandmother when I was 6, that I sleep with) was there to keep him warm. And I asked if he missed it, and he, jokingly, said yes. So, tomorrow, I'm getting some yarn stuff and crochet hooks, and I'm making him a blanket. It's such a stupid and weird idea, but it's already in my head, so I am for sure doing it. I was youtubing videos on how to do it, so it shouldn't be too hard.... I used to know how to knit. XD But, yeah, I'm making him a blanket, that will probably just make him think I'm the biggest loser ever, but in a good way. On the drive home today we were talking about colours, and I asked him what his four favourite are, I already knew of orange and green, then he said blue and black, so if I can find a good way to get those four colours into the blanket, I'll use them, and maybe one more. I need four or five colours.
I think I'm also going to build-a-bear workshop tomorrow. I went back in October or November for my birthday (which is in august...) and now I'm going for easter. It should be fun. And luckily for the next two days, Johnny will be really busy preparing for a show Saturday night. It'll be his first show like that. It's at my ex-step-brother's house, for a big party he's having. I can't go, but I'd love to see him play, and I will get to eventually. But, I wouldn't fit in with the people there at all, and there will be lots of alcohol and maybe drugs, so yeah... But, he said he may have a party in June, and I'd be going then. And I get to see him play in his room everytime I'm there. (:
With my old group of friends, we had this way how we could easily jokingly marry eachother, by touching our right pinkies together, and last night Johnny asked me to marry him like that, so of course I said yes. He had only been married to M for so long, and that was on purpose, for some reason, but he finally broke the chain last night. Not like it's a big deal or anything, but it's still cute. He's been using the word forever with me a lot, like that we'd be friends forever, I want to be more, but at least he can talk about us at least being friends forever; that's better than nothing... Theres a lot to write about, but my mind keeps getting confused, and I keep forgetting things, and remembering new things to forget, so I'm just going to go now.

Thursday, April 21, 2011


I decided a few days ago to write Johnny a letter, telling him everything. I'm on page 4 so far. Two of the pages are in point form; he hates reading, and this was an easier was to express a lot of imformation. I'm hoping to give it to him soon. I'm really terrified. I'm not finished it yet though. I've mostly only expressed how much I love him, I still have to talk about my mind, and how I am emotionally, and my thoughts, etc. On msn last night, we were talking a little, and he saw a little more of me, emotionally, than normal. He's starting to know how messed up I am more, so maybe this letter wont be as much of a surprise. He knows he's getting the letter, but not what's in it. It's really hard to get everything out that I need to get out. But, it has to come out. It's tearing me apart on the inside, at least this way, someone else will know, and he can help me, and be there for me, and stuff. And, I'll feel better not hiding all of it anymore; especially from him.

Saturday, April 16, 2011


I went to Johnny's last night for the night. I was really upset, because last week he had been really nice, and we had talked about maybe getting back together, and how he cared about me more than M, if that's what I was calling her... and then after that, we barely talked for a week, and hardly saw eachother. And then we were supposed to be hanging out tomorrow, like him picking me around 5:00 and then dropping me off tomorrow afternoon when he was going to his friends house. Instead, at 6:30 he messaged me to say he was at a friends and might be coming over to my house tonight, and then hanging out with me tomorrow, so maybe not spending the night. And I had already been having a really horrible week, so I was even more upset. I ended up cutting, because I didn't think he was going to come over at all, and I wasn't really thinking about how he'd probably be around sometime soon and see them before they healed anyways. At 6:30, he said he'd be on MSN again in an hour, but never was. He showed up here around 11:30. And asked if I still wanted to go to his house, but that he couldn't drive me back today. Even though my mother had already said she wouldn't be able to come get me, I said yes anyways, because I really wanted to see him, and he wouldn't have been spending the night, and if I went there, I would be.
When we got to his house, we weren't there too long before we ended up talking about us, and I think he was really starting to notice and realize how upset I am recently, and how much everything's been effecting me. I didn't tell him completely how bad it's been. The worst thing I mentioned was how I've felt like I was going to go insane, or break down, and never get back to normal, which I honestly have felt like. We talked more about getting back together, and how part of him wanted to be with me, but another part didn't know, and was confused. Eventually we decided to get back together, because he thought we both needed emotional support, and that this would help make us both happy. Of course I am happy that we're back together now, I'm just also terrified, because I know it wont last, and he'll probably never feel the same about me again. We're going to try to get closer, but I don't think it will work.
I finally got what I've wanted for over a month now, and though I'm happy it happened, I'm still unhappy in general. I think that maybe it's too late for it to be fixed, and his feelings are gone too much. I want to stay with him, and we're going to try to get closer, but his feelings aren't strong, and I'm still unhappy. Like, the first time we got back together, I was so happy when it happened, and this time, it hardly changes how I feel.  It feels almost like we're still broke up. I hope that over time things will get better, and that we wont just break up again sometime soon. I know it will happen eventually, but I don't want to think about it.
I hardly know who I am anymore. I'm just spiralling downwards, I can barely control it anymore. I have no idea what's going to happen to me, at all. I miss December. We were so close and happy then. I just wish I hadn't held myself back so much. This is probably my last chance to have anything with him again. If things get better, maybe I'll get better, and I'll be normal and happy again, but if things don't get better between us, it will only make things worse with me, and my emotions, etc.
I had quite a bit of fun at his house though. I didn't have many of the happy feelings I used to get, sometimes even when we were broke up, like this safe, warm blanket washing over me. I think it's because I'm so terrified of losing him, and so hurt already.
He knows I love him, he may not completely know how much, but he might be close to knowing, seeing how upset I get over him.
All of this is slowly ruining me. He's the only one with the potential of stopping it from happening, but I don't think he's able to do that.

Monday, April 11, 2011


I'm really bored. I'm watching Ghost Whisperer which is sure to terrify me, but it's still a good show. Three Days Grace, the band, was on, it really confused me at first, because one of their songs started playing at the beginning of the show, and I definately was not expecting that.
I'm home alone, so I really should not be watching this. Hahaha.
Johnny came over for a few hours last night. We napped for most of the time. We were up for maybe an hour and 10 minutes or so. And, we slept for probably two hours or more. I don't really know. We went to sleep around 8:15, and he left around 10:00. He woke me up, and I never found out what time it was until he was leaving. I went to sleep again right after he left, yet I was still tired today, and I had about 10 hours of sleep.
That ex-friend (I dont really know what to call her other than that) is still coming up to whatever friend I'm with at the time as if we're all hanging out, and still none have noticed we dont talk, and in yoga today, she got my yoga journal for me. All of that makes me mad. I want her out of my life completely. But this means I have to leave every friend from school behind too, just to get away from her. She has other friends, she doesnt need to hang out with the ONE friend I'm hanging out at the time. And she doesn't have to get my stuff for me. I didn't say thanks, or even look at her. It's annoying.
This show is scary... ):
I'm making popcorn!!!!!
I think sometime pretty soon I'm going to be going to Johnny's. Like, some time maybe later this week. He had mentioned maybe today, but then decided not, because he was coming over yesterday. And, we were going to be going outside, and it's raining today anyways. At least it's getting warmer out.
After Ghost Whisperer, I'm going to watch Criminal Minds, which will also scare me. I hate that I like the shows that scare me the most. At least this episode had a really happy ending.. well, kind of. There's a guy from N*Sync on this episode too. XD
I'm going to go now..

Sunday, April 10, 2011


I still suck at posting daily...
My cousin came over for the night last night. That was the first time I had someone over other than Johnny since my birthday around the beginning of August. It was pretty fun. We didn't do much, but it's still better than sitting alone doing nothing. We watched Stuart Little 2 today, and the ending was sad, and it made me miss Johnny more than I already did, because after he left Friday, I don't think we talked again on MSN because he was wit friends, and we were both with friends yesterday, so we hardly got to talk then either.
Not long after the movie was over, I made an excuse to go on MSN and luckily he was on, but we talked for 30 minutes at the most before he had to go because his friends were still there, and my cousin had left by then. But he said we'd talk later tonight, which I'm really hoping happens when it's not too late, so we can talk for more than 30 minutes or something. I hate when we don't talk much like this. It's only because we were both busy, but it still makes me miss him.
Something good happened Friday when he was here, but I don't know if I want to mention it yet... though it may be guessable. Of course it makes me happy/excited/hopeful/worried, and I want to talk about it, but if we end up not doing what we kind of planned, then I'd just feel dumb for ever mentioning it. So I want to wait and see if we end up talking about it anymore and if he still wants to or thinks it's a good idea. And if he really wants to, and if so why, and a few other things.
Anyways... my computer still has that dumb virus, so I'm stuck using my mothers computer until mine is fixed. I don't like hers, because it's in the living room, and the font is a lot bigger, so if someone walked by they mguht be able to see what I'm writting, which I'd really hate.
I'm finally getting over that little cold I had. I hope Johnny doesn't get it.. Everytime I get one, I'm always worried he'll get it, but he didn't last time, and doesn't seem to have this one yet.
I don't really have anything to write about... I don't want to go to school tomorrow. It's hard seeing other friends, without them inviting her over, and I can't really just get up and leave, so I don't know... I need to find a new place where I can go and be alone where none of them would find me, but that's difficult. And I am not spending my lunches in a bathroom stall. XD I'll try to figure something out tomorrow. My ex-friend comes over and hangs out with our other friends when its just me and them, so it's awkward. And I really hope she doesn't think her and I are going to be friends again, because there is absolutely NO way that is happening. And I hope my other friends realize and accept that soon too.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show!

I suck at making titles now, and that's what I'm watching, so it's the only title I can think of.
I went to school for the whole day today for the first time this week, and I'm going again tomorrow. It's kind of awkward, because that person who I'm no longer friends with, has all of the same friends as me, and two classes of four with me. And we sit side by side in Math. Only one friend noticed we were hanging out or talking and that I didn't know where she was at lunch. That friend said the other friends would go and she'd stay with me at lunch, because I was sitting alone writing (which I actually like doing). So once the others left she asked if we were fighting. I said we weren't fighting and that we just weren't talking much. She asked if we were able to talk, and I said yeah, that we wouldn't start shouting prophantities at eachother, and we left it at that. She doesn't know that we've ended the friendship completely. I'm sure she'll find out eventually, but it doesn't have to be just yet. I have no idea what I'd say, and I'd rather it be over a computer than face to face. But they're obviously going to have to find out eventually. Last night Johnny and I were talking on MSN after his friend left. And at one point he said "MY NAME...something tells me that the main reason why you don't like EX-FRIEND'S NAME anymore is because I didn't tell you that I loved you more than her." And that started a conversation on that. I told him that that wasn't why, and that the main reason is because she hurt him, by ignoring him, which is true. And then I commented on how a few weeks ago he had said that he cared about me more and that I was more important to him. And I asked if I should have not believed that, and he said no, that I should have believed it, because it was true. And that he was going to tell me that then, but I kind of beat him to bringing it up, haha. And then he was talking about how I've always been there for him, when she hadn't. (Like the two months she ignored him for no good reason.) And he told me he loved me. As a friend, of course. All of that, like about me being there for him more, and him accepting it, I never thought that would happen. But somehow last night he was able to realize it, and that he hadn't wanted to say it before but he was able to now. He doesn't know what changed, or at least he's not saying, but I don't think he knows why. He still wants to be friends with her, but I'm really glad that he now understands that I've been there for him more, and didn't ignore him for two months, just because someone else didn't want me talking to him. The guy that got her to stop talking to him tried the same thing with me, and tried to make me leave him, and I didn't listen. I feel that if she really cared about him, she'd never have done that. But, anyways, after hearing him say that, well, seeing him type it, it made me really happy. Does that make me sound like a bitch? I think it might... but I definately don't mean it in a bitchy way.
Johnny's supposed to be coming over tonight for the night. He should be over around 11. He's taking a friend of his home, and he lives past my house, and since he'll be going back that way tomorrow, he's just going to come here for the night, and then stay here when I go to school tomorrow, and he said he'd come back afterwards, which should be around the time I get out of school, so we'll hang out a bit then too. I'm pretty excited, but it's 9:40 now, so I really have to go clean my room and get out of my yoga clothes, haha.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

dhbfcjkfgvedhfv ):

I had a bad dream about Johnny getting another girlfriend a month after we broke up, and him completely moving on, and thinking I had too, while really I was stuck in the past. There were more details, but I don't really feel like talking about it. It was really sad though. I woke up from it at 5:45 this morning, and then I remembered today is exactly 1 month since we broke up. It feels so crazy that I've lasted this long without him. I hate it. I hate life. I honestly wish I could get cancer or something and die.
I don't care what my mother says, I'm not going to school today. I have a major test to write, but I can write it whenever I go back, which will probably be tomorrow, but I don't know.
It's 6:45 right now. My mother will be getting up in 15 minutes to get me up.
I'm going to message Johnny after I tell my mother I'm staying home, asking him to message me back whenever he gets on MSN, because I'm staying home from school. Then, I might try to get back to sleep, but I don't know if I'll be able to, or if I'll want to.
Things had got to the point where I wasn't crying every single day now.. I was still crying most, but not all, and now I wake up crying. It's like I'm back at the very beginning, a month ago. I hate this so much. My life is going absolutely no where. Mid term marks come out in a few weeks... I know I'm going to be doing horrible in every class. I had been doing so good in my classes before the break up, and I was excited for next year. Now I don't give a fuck about anything.
I remember when we first broke up, he said I should be fine after a month... I'm just as bad as I was in the beginning, except I'm usually better at ignoring my sadness now. It's still there, I just pretend it isn't... He'll probably be upset when I tell him today, but I have to. Maybe because of the dream... he had thought I moved on, when I hadn't. And, today is already going to be horrible, so hopefully he and I can talk a lot, because he's the only thing that really makes me happy now. Once I talk to him, things might not be so bad. Maybe. I just know whether it helps or not, I really need to talk to him. It will at least help a little.

Monday, April 04, 2011


I hate just about everything right now. I missed school today, because I hardly slept last night because I have a cold. And I'll probably miss tomorrow too, but not because of the cold or lack of sleep. I don't know what I should and shouldn't say.. I don't want to say something that would bother Johnny, if he were ever to read this. Which I doubt will ever happen, and really hope never happens. I'll say it in point-form without much detail I guess.
  • I was friends with M.
  • M became friends with R.
  • M and I became friends with Johnny.
  • R and Johnny hate eachother.
  • R and M starting arguing.
  • I became friends with R.
  • I stopped talking to R.
  • A month or so later I started again, when M and R weren't talking.
  • R talked to me about the problems with M, and M talked to me about the problems with R.
  • Because of this, and other reasons I became distant with M, and we weren't as close.
  • I stopped talking to R.
  • M and R became friends again.
  • R told M to stop talking to Johnny, and M listened.
  • Johnny was upset that M stopped talking to him, and would talk to me about it.
  • I of course became mad at M for ignoring Johnny and hurting him.
  • M started talking to Johnny again.
  • M stopped talking to R.
  • I'm still mad at M for hurting Johnny.
  • M is upset that I no longer want to be friends because of what they did to Johnny (who I had been dating at the time).
  • M lost most of their good friends because of R, me being one of them.
  • M only really has Johnny.
  • I only really have Johnny.
  • M talks to Johnny about being friendless.
  • Johnny feels bad for M, and dislikes that I haven't forgiven M like he has.
  • Johnny and I have negative conversations because of M.

Basically, Johnny forgave M, and I can't, because of them ignoring Johnny for no good reason and hurting him. Johnny and I rarely have anything negative between us, except all of the shit involving M. This is the second time in 2011, that me and M not being friends has bothered my relationship or friendship with Johnny. Which only makes me hate M more, which is bad for my friendship with Johnny. I'm considering transfering schools to get away from M completely. I don't want them in my life, at all. All they do is make me and Johnny more distant while talking about the problem. And Johnny had said he thought he and I dating had something to do my the friendship of M and I deteriorating, which is not at all true. I have no idea why he'd think that... Maybe because the main reason I hate M is because she hurt HIM. But, still, she chose to, that's not his fault. This entire issue, and there was pretty much the same one at the end of January is so horrible for Johnny and I, which I can't have. He makes it seem like M is the only one really hurt or upset, and they're the victim, etc. Yet, he was the victim, she was the bad guy, and I'm just the person who cares about the victim. Like, if someone murdered my brother, I'd hate the murderer. It's the same thing here, except different people, and different "crime."
Johnny just told me he was going to go get some fresh air... I don't know if it's because he really want to, or if it's just an excuse to get away from me... I hope it's the first.
I completely hate M. I don't want to go to school tomorrow, because M will be there, but I may have to go. I can't skip Yoga, but I could easily skip double math. M sits right beside me in Math. I might actually do that... and then just sign in after Math is over and go to Chemistry. But, I've never skipped before, at least not without my mother knowing, or on my own...I'd be terrified of getting caught, and I know no one who'd skip with me.Most of my friends are in my math class...the only one that isn't, would never skip... well, none of my friends would skip to begin with.... I'll figure something out tomorrow.
On a more positive note.. Johnny was over Saturday night, and it was really good. We had a lot of fun, and when we were laying in bed watching a movie right before going to bed, so I could see better, we were able to cuddle, and I got to lay my head on his chest, and I got like an hour long hug. We kissed quite a bit too. Even though I know we're only friends, it still makes me feel happy, and safe, and it shows that he cares about me as a friend, and that we're still able to be really close. That Saturday and Sunday really were so great...I'd definately put that night on repeat and live it forever. XD
Anyways, I've hardly done homework in a month...I don't know how I'm going to make it through the semester...
I really hope I can get back to normal over Summer so I can actually make it through all of next year. Grade 12 is more important than 11...
I hate my life so much right now...