Sunday, March 27, 2011


It's been 9 days since I last posted.. I'm getting worse and worse with this. But, I really just hardly give a fuck about anything anymore. Since the break up, I've honestly changed so so much. It's almost like I'm a completely different person. I feel different.
On Friday, I got two, two month old rats, who I've since named Michael and Shane. They're both black, their only physical difference is Michael has more white on his tale than Shane. I named them after two book characters from the Morganville Vampire series, those two are best friends in the series. They're still kind of shy, but they are coming around a lot more. Michael liked licking me.
I also got two books on the universe which can help me with my global history project. I'm falling pretty far behind in my class work. Which, is bad, and I am still trying to catch up, but it's hard.
Johnny was here for a few hours yesterday. We watched Shutter Island, which was interesting, and kind of scary, but not scary enough. Like, it was only scary because he didn't know he was insane until the end, and I feel like that, or kind of like that sometimes. Like, if what 'm seeing and hearing, etc. is really real or if I'm insane or something. I don't trust my own mind a lot at all, really. I haven't for years. We planned to sometime go to his house and watch a few scary movies one day, so hopefully I spend the night. I can't sleep alone after watching scary movies. XD
I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I've been thinking a lot recently on how Johnny and I never reached the full potential in our relationship. I'm almost constantly thinking about it, and how things could possibly be if we had. I blame myself for it not happening, because I was always so afraid of getting hurt, and 101% commiting myself to reaching the full potential. I've been wanting to tell him about it for a while, but'I've been to afraid to push him away, annoy him, or hear what I'll probably hear. Like, if I don't mention it, then I'll never know what his thoughts on it would be, and I probably don't want to know. At least this way I can lie to myself and say things could have been a lot better and if he knew, maybe he'd want to try to reach full potential, but deep down, I know that wont happen. So, I either never know, and lie to myself, or tell him, probably get hurt, but not have to constantly wonder about it. He's in the capital of the province with his father right now, but I think when he gets back, whenever that it, later tonight I will tell him. I told his earlier today that there as something I wanted to tell him, this being it.
One of the main reasons I got rats is because I've wanted them for a long time, and they can be friendly, and their smart, so I'm hoping they can kind of be like a hobby for me so i'm not just constantly thinking about things that I shouldn't think about.
It's been a really long time since I last cut, and I don't really want to think about that much, becausr thinking  about it makes me want to do it. The main reason I don't do it is because of Johnny; because I don't want him to have to see them. He's the only person who ever sees my legs, so I never have to worry about anyone else seeing them, unless I was upside down in yoga, and my pants slipped towards the ground, and up my leg. XD But, I have tights I could wear, which wouldn't slip.
I zone out a lot more in school now, and when I'm walking in the hallways I feel like I'm dead. I just slowly walk around, only half paying attention, half zoned out, and like I don't care about anything or notice much, I side-walk into the walls a lot, and lean on them so I don't have to hold myself up. I probably look like I'm on some kind of drug. All of the people in the schoollt hat I know that do drugs quite a bit are like that, except less dramatic.
My jokes with my friends have taken more of a negative aspect, like my jokes are more mean, I dont mean it, I just say mean stuff, then laugh as if I'm joking, when really I'm just saying whatever, and then pretending to smile or laugh. I don't really care about whatever conversation they're having, I just don't want to seem like a zombie. Or like I'm on drugs.
My friends all hate drugs. That's why a few didn't like Johnny a lot, because he smokes weed. So, that would be another reason for them to think I was on drugs, because I was with him and he could have convinced me to do drugs. With my last boyfriend, he smoked, so my friends started thinking I smoked, which is stupid; I don't smoke, I don't at all want to. I actually have smoked weed with Johnny a few times, well, three, but only on weekends when I'm spending the night at his house. I didn't tell anyone I did. He may have told his friends, but they don't talk to mine, so oh well. On a Facebook note today, I actually admitted to it. Because even if my friends find out, right now, I don't really care. It's not like I'm like that in school. Even though now I end up momentarily feeling high a lot, even in school, but it goes away in like three seconds, it could easily be me just going from my little inner world, to the realy one all around me, and getting confused and everything blending together. I was talking to one of my friends in school about it, but I never admitted to how I knew what it was like to be high, because he wouldn't like it, so I described it as a contact high, because it only happens in school, when I'm wearing my contacts, and told him it could be from chemicals in the contacts, which, I guess it could be. But I don't really care about what it is. It keeps me amused in Chemistry, which, I've accepted that I'm going to completely fail. Unless I get a tutor. Because the teacher completely sucks at teaching. He's so stupid. He should retire. He's old. He used to be my favourite teacher, but now, he's just so damn stupid it makes me hate him.
Yesterday my mother and I went to get groceries, and afterwards she went to A&W to order fries, and when she was ordering it, she started laughing because she had to ask if they came in different sizes, and then when we got to the window, she was still laughing, over, I don't remember what, and it was really awkward, because by then, while she was trying to pay and get the food from the guy, we were both there just laughing, and she could hardly talk.
I really dont want to go to school tomorrow. It's not the typical I-dont-want-to-go-to-school feeling, it's I'm sad and empty feeling and I don't want to go around bubbly happy people. Everyone in school pisses me off or makes me feel awkard. I always make eye contact with the people I dont want to make eye contact with. Like, Johnny's friend. Whenever we're walking in the hallway, in a similar way (which was mentioned earlier) we always make eye contact, and his other friend, I make eye contact with him like at least 10 times a day, and neither of us always looks away, becuase if I look away quickly it just feels more awkward. There are others I make eye contact with too, but I cant think of them right now.
It's been three weeks today since Johnny and I broke up.
I probably have more I could write about, but I've already written a lot and can't really think straight right now... so I'll go eat or something..or maybe do my homework. I don't know. Whatever.

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