Tuesday, March 08, 2011


I honestly don't know how to live my life anymore. Not without him. I don't really want to either. I can't picture myself being over him, or happy, or the future. I can't picture me going back to school in two weeks. Tomorrow I'm going to drop my course selections off, and get some things, and then I'm staying home for the rest of the week, and next week is March Break. Hopefully after two weeks, I'll be able to go back. I know I can't go back now. Johnny wants me to go, so I don't get far behind, he encourages me by saying that I can go and it would be okay, but I know I can't. I can hardly handle being awake, let alone go to school. Not that I care about school much right now anyways. I can't see the future, and school is preparation for the future, so currently, it seems pointless. I don't want to do anything without him. Like, for example, Johnny and I broke up, so I don't want to shower, or eat or anything. But I have to. But, still the majority of my time is spent, by waiting for Johnny to come on msn from the moment I wake up, to the moment he finally does. I count down the hours. And then, talk to him until he'd either have to go, or I get tired and go to sleep. Then, when I go to sleep, I leave my laptop on, open with an msn conversation with him, so if I wake up in the middle of the night, and he's on, which he most likely would be, I can talk to him until he goes to bed, or until I go back to bed. And then I wake up the next morning and the cycle begins again. There's approximately 4 hours until he comes on today. He tries to be busy a lot though, like last night, he said he tried to do things to keep his mind occupied so he isn't constantly thinking about how much he hurt me. Like, I know he never wanted to hurt me at all, and he doesn't want me to be sad, but of course, I can't help it, so I mention it to him as little as possible, and we talk as if we were just friends. Close friends. I don't know if he wants to be close friends, but I do. He's the best friend I have. I know I care about him far more than he cares about me; he knows it too. I don't think he likes it, he wants me to like him just as much as he likes me, which is as friends. Even though I know it's not possible, I still want a relationship with him. But, I guess knowing that it's not possible kind of helps, because like last time, there was hope we'd get back together, and now there isn't so I can just focus on getting over him, and moving forward with our friendship. I'd like to be bestfriends with him, but I don't think he wants that with me, so I don't know if I'll tell him this. I'd also like to be friends for life, which again, he probably would say that anything could happen, meaning anything to stop us from being friends. And that he can't guarantee that. But, I wish he could, or would, or even just say that's what he wants to. On the drive back from his house, I asked how often we'd be hanging out. It wont be weekly anymore, so I asked about monthly, and he said he can't promise that, but he did promise to try to hang out with me monthly.
He's one of the most important people in my life, and breaking up wont change that. We've been through a lot together, I'm never going to forget it, and because of everything, I don't want to lose contact with him. He had said that we'd still talk becuase we're still brother and sister, which is something you can't change. (Before we got together, in our group of friends, we're all jokingly related some how, and he and I were quadruplets. He was 3 of them, and I was 1. XD) So, I'm also trying to keep the fact that we're "brother and sister" out in the open. I think he likes it too. Like, Sunday night when he dropped me off after we broke up, I was about to leave, and he said "wait," and the pulled my hair. Because that's what brothers do. He always used to pull my hair, and in school he'd push me right after pulling my hair, so I guess it's going back to how it was, except we're closer. Like, I still trust him more than anyone else. And, I almost completely trust him, and I don't trust most people much. But he's earned it.
We made a deal too, because he mentioned that this girl who thinks she's my friend, and is 13 is always trying to hangout with him, and he commented that he'd never get with her, which reminded me that I have other female friends. So, I asked if he'd not date any of them, because if one of my friends dated him, I'd be hurt and incredibly pissed off at that friend. I wouldn't be mad at him, but I'd hate her guts and try to ruin her life. So, we agreed neither of us will go after the others friends. And, we agreed that unless we really don't want anyone knowing, and that even if we're only telling a few people, for the next girlfriend or boyfriend, we will notify the other before everyone else knows. Like, if he gets a girl, and tells some of his friends, he'll tell me too, so I hear it from him rather than someone else or Facebook or something, becuase I'd really rather hear it from him. And I said I'd do the same for him, even if he doesn't really care about that. If there's a "rule" about us that he has to follow it, I should have to, too. It's only fair.
He's never tried to be friends with an ex-girlfriend before, and he wasn't sure if we'd for sure be able to stay friends, but I'm going to work very hard to make sure we do. Apparently I'm also the first girl he broke up with, and probably the first to actually be upset about a relationship with him ending. I don't think his past girlfriends were very nice, but he said he learned from it, and hopefully from me too, that he does deserve better than that. So hopefully from now on, all of his future girlfriends treat him right... and don't try to come between our friendship, because to a new girlfriend, being friends with an ex-girlfriend may not be something she wants her boyfriend doing, but he said that he wouldn't let  a girl come between our friendship, and I definately wouldn't let a boy. He said that he's not a cheater, so she has nothing to worry about, and she should trust him. And, I know he's not a cheater.
He's the only person that when he says something, I believe him without hesitation. With other people, I'll question things a lot, and wonder if they're fully telling the truth, or if they're lying, etc. But with him, I know I can trust him and he wont lie, I don't question what he says.
He says we'll still have sleepovers some times. Not as often of course, but still, like he said sometimes he'll crash at my house, and that I could go to his house sometimes too. Probably not if he has a girlfriend though, but until then, and hopefully after they break up, if/when they do.. I'd want his girlfriend to be able to trust me as his friend. Just like if I had a boyfriend, they'd need to accept the fact that Johnny played a large role in my life, and that I care about him a lot, and I'm not going to stop talking to him, or hanging out with him just because I have a boyfriend. If he doesn't like it, or doesn't trust me, he can leave.
I was also talking about how I wanted us to always go to eachother with any problem at all, and he asked about when he got a girlfriend, because he'd have her to talk to, so I just said, I'd still like to know what's going on in his life, and that he'd still talk to me about his problems too. Like, he talked about our problems with other girls sometimes, for advice, I want him to be able to do that with me. But, not just about relationship problems, any problems. Just like I'd like to be able to talk to him about all of my problems.
I really do hope we can stay close friends, for a really long time, or until our lives are over. I don't know what I'd do if I completely lost him. He's been the best person to me so far in my life. He's been there for me more than anyone else. He was such an amazing boyfriend, and I'll always remember him. I'm keeping the shirt he gave me, and I'm going to continue to wear the bracelet from him. And, I think that now that we have a certain level of trust, and our relationship brought us closer, I think he can be an amazing friend, too.
We're supposed to be hanging out to play Super Mario World sometime over March Break. I really hope I don't cry when I see him. I know I might, so maybe I should warn him in advance. But I still want to see him, and hopefully get more used to us being friends. I do need him in my life in some way. Even if it's only as friends, at least I'd have him there to talk to, and to make me happy. He always makes me happy, even without trying.

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