Tuesday, May 31, 2011


Last night was really good at Johnny's.We were acting like we're in a relationship, and we talked a bit about stuff involving he and I and being together, etc.
I sent him a message, that he knew he'd be getting after school, and we talked about that a little on MSN..
Yesterdya he was talking about how he thinks we're really close now, and I do agree that we are, but I still want to be in a relationship, and he isn't sure of what he wants. But, he says he likes how we are now, and that we're close. 
I'm definately more open with him now about how I feel..

There are three white rats in the litter, I do believe. And that means 9 black ones. They're all doing good, and they're starting to get fur, and get bigger.

They were born 7 days ago:


Sunday, May 29, 2011


Last night my laptop got yet another virus.. I don't even know where it's been getting them; it's the third in like a month..
I was really mad, because my Independent Research Project is due tomorrow, and it's on my laptop, and I thought I'd have to redo it, on a working computer, and instead of a simple powerpoint, do a term paper. And, the last time my laptop got a virus is was like two days before my article analysis, that takes ~16 hours to do, and I had to completely redo that.
My laptop wouldn't work at all, so I went out onto my mothers computer, and I messaged Johnny, who I had been talking to on my laptop, and told him I got yet another virus. And, then I was talking about how if I didn't get my IRP done, I'd fail Global History, because it's worth 20% - 30% of the final mark. And, I had been so pissed off, because of the virus... and while ranting to Johnny about it, he said "I love you. (:" So, of course I wasn't as mad at all after that. I'm really different with him than anyone else. If anyone else, even previous boyfriends or friends said "I love you" trying to make things better, I'd just get more mad; at them, for thinking that just telling me they loved me would make all my problems disappear. But, he's able to say it, and it actually does help.
Anyways, I did get the virus off the laptop, because after Johnny said that, I decided to google it, and try to fix it on my own, so I could get my IRP done... and it worked. I still have over half my IRP to do today.. but I can get it done. I have 14 slides now, and I only really need 20... so even though I haven't covered most of the information yet, I can cover it in less slides, without getting in trouble. And, it's on the advancements of space science, so it's something I'm interested in, and already know/understand a lot of the material, so it's easy, and keeps me amused.
I don't remember if I said this or not, but on my Article Analysis that I had to redo, I got 49.5/50 on it, and the teacher said it was excellent and well written, and he knew I had stayed home to redo it because my laptop got a virus, and I lost it two days before the due date.
I have a 49% in math right now.. but if I study well, I can bring it up on the exam.
My chemistry mark went from a 30 to a 33.... I have no idea how.. I fail all quizzes/tests, and I haven't passed a single assignment in all semester.. XD
I'm supposed to be going to Johnny's tomorrow after school, and possibly spending the night if he still wants me to. He'd have to drive me to school the next morning though. But, he did that last Friday.. except I got him to drive me in at 11, so I missed two hours of Chemistry... I forget what class I had on Thursday, and I wasn't in school Friday, so I dont know what I'll have for the double Tuesday morning. Oh! I think I may have had double chemistry again that double yoga on tuesday..maybe.

Friday, May 27, 2011


The babies are doing well.
I was finally able to touch them after school wednesday, and I counted them; there's 12.  I did have to touch two Wednesday morning though, when I brought a piece of peanutbutter sandwhich ino Mikey's cage, because she ran for the sandwhich (really wanting it) and dragged two babies along with her, so I set them back in the nest. Normally I would have brought the sandwhich to her, but she ran for it instead. XD
I usually bring her, her food, or use the food to lure her away from the babies to I can see them.
She's fine with me touching them. I was helping her bring them all closer to her today, and picking them up right in front of her and she just ignored it.
I'm trying to convince my mother to let me keep one, because I'd have it right from birth for its whole life! She said she'll think about it.. but not yet.
I have my IRP to do this weekend. It's due Monday. I had to do one last semester, I did it at Johnny's house in two days. XD I'm hoping to do it in two days now, too. But, Johnny wont be here, so I wont have him for company, and to keep me from getting distracted with things such as posting here...
I got 49.5/50 on my article analysis though, which is really good. It's worth 10% of the mark for the class.
Shane's (my rat) all sad because he's alone, and in a small hamster cage now, because of the babies, I try spending time with him, and giving him treats, but he still seems sad!

Two days old:

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I'm a grandmother...

My rat Mikey had babies earlier today...
She was never supposed to, we were getting her fixed in a month or so, but no, she had to have babies now. And since she had them, when they're old enough, I have to sell them. ):
Tomorrow, after 24 hours, I will pick them up, to make sure they're being fed, and to see how many there are. They sound like a bird chirping like crazy!
Johnny was here when she had them, sleeping. I was in school. He spent the night last night, then stayed here until I got home from school, then we went to town for a bit, and then he dropped me off at my fathers and went home. He said when he got up at 2:30 he noticed the squeeking.
My father was an ass when I was there today, like usual, but when I came home, I came home to babies, and I'm used to him being an ass, so oh well. Fuck him.

Monday, May 23, 2011


I dont know if I wrote this in the last post, or if this is the thing I was going to talk about and then forgot.
Anyways, when I was with my aunt and cousin on the weekend, we were going to a bunch of antique stores and things like that. In one store, I found a book called 14, 000 things to be happy about. I'm going to try to do everything on the list. With help of course, from my cousin, and Johnny. Some, I've done before of course. One of the things is defusing a bomb..
I also got a shark tooth necklace, and the tooth is over a million years old, which is cool.
Johnny is giving me a "surprise visit" later tonight. It's a surprise, but I already know about it. I'll be glad to see him. He told me about the surprise visit, so it's not like the surprise was ruined... I told him I'd be very surprised when he came over, and I plan to act surprised...maybe.
I got a book about Christ and Satan that was originally bought 125 years ago for $20 at one store.
And, I had been telling Johnny about how nice the place is, and that he should go down there sometime, like the whole area, and the Inn, so we talked a little about going down together. I really do want to go with him. So, I will need a job, and save up any birthday money I get. I want to go within the next few months, while things are still really good between us. I was thinking around August 14th, because that's the date directly in between our birthdays.  Or like, the 13th - 15th. Of course that's during the high season, so it would be most expensive then. Two nights would cost between $258 - $358. If we waited and went in November, it would be cheaper, but I don't want to wait. And, if it was around my birthday, maybe I could get my mom to give me some money to go, as a birthday present. In total the trip would probably be like $500 - $600. With $200 - $300 for food, gas, and spending money.

Sunday, May 22, 2011


The last month has been pretty hectic.
Last week, my mom's boyfriend shoved me, and I punched him in the face a few times. I knew my anger was making me more violent. Though he shouldn't have shoved me. If he doesn't go to a psychologist soon, my mother and I are leaving.
I went away for the weekend with my cousin and aunt, for my cousins birthday, it was nice. I missed Johnny the whole time though. I always miss him though. I was able to talk to him, but not much. I just got home today, and we hardly talked... he's gone to a friends now, and probably wont be on again tonight. I'm going to message him before I go to bed.
I cut today, deeper than I have been recently. This one cut gave as much blood or more than 5 or so usually do. It was all I needed to feel better. Of course now, not even an hour later, I'm starting to feel bad again. But, at the time, cutting more, wouldn't have helped.
I wrote Johnny a letter today. I'm going to have him read it, and hopefully talk to him about it in person. i typed it, but if I email him it, he'll never respond to all of it, if he does at all. So I'm doing it in person.
I'm not getting over him whatsoever. If anything, I'm falling more in love. The letter  is only 1001 words. Not 12 pages like the last letter.
While gone on the weekend, we went to antique stores, etc. I got Johnny a little stone with an orange cat on it (an orange cat is kind of like a symbol for him), and I am giving him two gemstones I got, green adventurine and citrine, because they seem good for him. I also got a stuffed animal orange cat for me, that would look like him. And, I got a book (the best book ever) that's called All About My Cat, or something like that, and I'm filling it out, using him, rather than one of my cats, so it'll be all cute and stuff. I need a baby picture of him for it.
I also don't know if I mentioned, but once I learn how to, I am going to crochet him a blanket. There's a story behind it that i dont feel like typing out.. so I'm not going to. Anyways, it's an evil, and silly plan. He'll both love and hate it. I'll love it, both because he loves and hates it. And thinks it/I am weird.
I'm getting worse with expressing emotions. Except with Johnny. I spent the night at his house Thursday before going away for the weekend, and I was being a lot more affectionate that normal. I'm proud of myself. I was going to tell him I loved him, before I left, like as I was leaving, but I got too scared for that, but still, I was pretty good. I will get better. I feel so guilty for never showing how much I loved him when we were together, so I'm doing it now.

Sunday, May 08, 2011


I think I'm going to switch schools.
That ex-best friend of mine, the one that ignored Johnny for two months, I can't stand her at all anymore.
I've been getting really angry recently, with just about everything/everyone. And, well, I of course have a reason to be mad at her. I hate her fucking guts. Everyone see's her as this sweet and innocent girl, when really she's a complete fucking bitch. Every time I see or think of her, I want to smash her face into the wall until she dies. But I don't want to go to jail, and I don't want Johnny to hate me. So, instead, I'm switching schools, to get away from her. I'm going to talk to my mother about it tomorrow, since today is Mother's Day, she doesn't need to know this now. Of course, this means no Europe trip, but I was thinking of dropping out anyways.
I messaged Johnny on MSN asking him to message me when he got the message, and he responded saying he was about to take a nap. He said he could stay and talk if I wanted to, and I said that it was okay and we could talk after he woke up, so I'm just waiting for him to come back on now. I want to talk to him about it. I always go to him for advice. I kind of want to talk to my cousin about it too, because while I can talk to Johnny about it, and I really want to, I can't tell him that I want to smash her face into a wall until she dies. I can tell my cousin that. She'll be shocked, because she may not even know we don't talk anymore, but she won't think I'm crazy, or hate me for it. And I can't exactly tell my mother that either. So I will tell my cousin.
And, once I know for sure I am switching schools, I will have to tell all of my friends. I'll probably just message them on Facebook, and I'll say why too, but without the whole smashing her head into a wall until she dies type thing. I kind of want to talk to her ex too, because he had to deal with most of the bitchy things she did, too, so he'd understand.
I just hate her so much, and I don't need her ruining my last year of high school. I'd rather be in a school where I don't know anyone then be in one with her.

Sunday, May 01, 2011

I've always wanted to write a novel. But, every single time I try, I end up quitting, because I'm not longer happy with the plot, or I've messed it up so much I don't even want to fix it.  I almost always get my inspiration and ideas from my dreams.
I haven't been able to write in a really long time, it's almost like full-time writers block.
I've always thought about writing about something like a teenagers life and their struggles, I don't know why I haven't. I know the topic well enough. Like, a book kind of like Cut. Like, it would be about issues I understand. Like, it wouldnt be about being addicted to heroin, because I've never even seen heroin in real life, so I have no idea what it's like to be addicted to it.
I was thinking of trying again to write, but as soon as Microsoft Word was opened to a fresh document, I had no idea what to say or how to start it.

One reason I want to try this is because quite often I'll get this pull in my mind, like there's something I want, or want to do, but I never know what it is. Sometimes for a split second I know what it is, but then quickly it's gone, and I can't remember at all what it was. It would seem kind of logical if it were about reading or writing, because I used to always read and write, and I loved it. Same with ancient history and space. I used to love those things so much.

A book I want, in a series I'm reading, is coming out on the 3rd, and another on the 24th... so those might maybe make me feel better or more like reading or writing for a bit. I have no idea who I am anymore, maybe this could help. I don't think I can ever go back to who I was before Johnny and I got together. I have to recreate myself. Maybe this would help, since I'm pretty much going nowhere else good...