Sunday, May 22, 2011


The last month has been pretty hectic.
Last week, my mom's boyfriend shoved me, and I punched him in the face a few times. I knew my anger was making me more violent. Though he shouldn't have shoved me. If he doesn't go to a psychologist soon, my mother and I are leaving.
I went away for the weekend with my cousin and aunt, for my cousins birthday, it was nice. I missed Johnny the whole time though. I always miss him though. I was able to talk to him, but not much. I just got home today, and we hardly talked... he's gone to a friends now, and probably wont be on again tonight. I'm going to message him before I go to bed.
I cut today, deeper than I have been recently. This one cut gave as much blood or more than 5 or so usually do. It was all I needed to feel better. Of course now, not even an hour later, I'm starting to feel bad again. But, at the time, cutting more, wouldn't have helped.
I wrote Johnny a letter today. I'm going to have him read it, and hopefully talk to him about it in person. i typed it, but if I email him it, he'll never respond to all of it, if he does at all. So I'm doing it in person.
I'm not getting over him whatsoever. If anything, I'm falling more in love. The letter  is only 1001 words. Not 12 pages like the last letter.
While gone on the weekend, we went to antique stores, etc. I got Johnny a little stone with an orange cat on it (an orange cat is kind of like a symbol for him), and I am giving him two gemstones I got, green adventurine and citrine, because they seem good for him. I also got a stuffed animal orange cat for me, that would look like him. And, I got a book (the best book ever) that's called All About My Cat, or something like that, and I'm filling it out, using him, rather than one of my cats, so it'll be all cute and stuff. I need a baby picture of him for it.
I also don't know if I mentioned, but once I learn how to, I am going to crochet him a blanket. There's a story behind it that i dont feel like typing out.. so I'm not going to. Anyways, it's an evil, and silly plan. He'll both love and hate it. I'll love it, both because he loves and hates it. And thinks it/I am weird.
I'm getting worse with expressing emotions. Except with Johnny. I spent the night at his house Thursday before going away for the weekend, and I was being a lot more affectionate that normal. I'm proud of myself. I was going to tell him I loved him, before I left, like as I was leaving, but I got too scared for that, but still, I was pretty good. I will get better. I feel so guilty for never showing how much I loved him when we were together, so I'm doing it now.