Last night, Johnny came over. He didn't get here until almost 7:00, because he slept in, and then a few other reasons. At first, I thought he was just trying to avoid coming over, but then, 5 minutes after saying he'd leave in 30 minutes, he left to come over.
He got here around 6:50. When he first came inside, and asked how I was I honestly almost started crying then, but it was dark, so I was able to stop it from happening before he noticed. Then we went to my room, and I gave him his valentines day card, and then he sat on my bed, and I leaned against my dresser, and we just kind of looked at eachother, and around, until we finally started talking. It didn't take long for me to start crying then. XD We talked a bit about the situation, and then decided to kind of get back together. We're not in a relationship, we're just together. But, that's good enough for me. That's all we were for most of the relationship.
I don't know if I had mentioned before, but incase I didn't know what to say, I had written a letter to him as well, so he could read it incase I couldn't say what I meant. I got what I meant out without the letter, but told him about the letter afterwards, and let him read it anyways. He said it was really sweet and that he wanted to keep it, so he did. Things are kind of like they were before we broke up, I mean that in a good way. Apparently last night, he came with the intentions of officially breaking up with me, I think because he didn't want me to care about him even more, and get more hurt in the end. But, I told him that wouldn't happen, and that I'd try to care less about him.
I do hope the relationship lasts until after a year (July) so I don't have to worry about missing school because we officially broke up. And because I'd prefer if it did last over a year, just because it would make it seem more special.
Since we got back together, I have been happier. I was able to go to school today, and have fun there, too. I understand what's going on in all of my classes except Chemistry, which will hopefully be sorted out over the next few days.
I know things wont last between Johnny and I, he's told me for the start, and I chose to stay with him, because I knew it'd be a good and fun experience, and it has been, and it's brought us a lot closer then we probably would have ever gotten without it. I wasn't ready for it to end yet, and now we have a second chance to make thigns last longer, and have more good experiences.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Today's the day...
that Johnny comes over and we talk. I find it kind of ironic that it's on Valentine's Day, because it's a day to show people how much to love them, and we're talking about our relationship that ended just a few days ago, and seeing if we're even able to ever back back together.
I have no idea how it will go. Sometimes in person I wont say everything I want to say, or I'll be crying too much to say it, so I wrote a letter, as a back up plan.
I hope today goes well. I did not go to school today, and depending on how today goes, I may not go tomorrow.
We talked a lot about the issue last night, he had to ask me twice to change the subject, and wait until tomorrow (today) to talk about this. So, finally we were able to talk like normal friends with no problems. But that was only after I told him how I really felt, which he probbaly already knew, but oh well. Well, I didn't tell him just how much I care about him, which is a huge ammount, but he doesn't want me in love with him, or even close to being in love, so I tell him I'm not, and wont be, because if I thought I really wouldend up in love with him, there'd be no chance of us getting back together. And, I don't think I can care about him more than I already do, so no matter how long it lasts, I'll always be this upset about it.
Three relationships have ended recently that I know of, from Facebook. One was between two people who weren't together too long, and she seems okay with it, and the other was with people who I think were together for over a year, and he wanted to leave, but she still loved him, so I kind of know what she's going through.
I've never been heart broken before. I never thought I would be. I had always told myself, boys are just boys, there are plenty more out there, and the one that stays is the only one that matters. Which I still understand, but refuse to apply to this situation. Johnny is a really amazing guy. I tell him this constantly. We actually had a conversation about it last night, like him being an amazing guy in general, not just as a boyfriend. I've known him for almost a year, it'll be a year in March, and he's given me so many reasons to think he's amazing, and I can't think of one to make me think any differently at all. Of course, he has negative traits, but everyone does, and he's able to control those traits for the most part, so it's really good.
Last night, I finally messaged one of my friends, the one who messaged me on Facebook, asking if I was okay, more information about the break up, she's never really been good at helping people before, but apparently she's getting better now, and I needed someone to talk to. Hopefully talking to her will help a lot. When I do go back to school, I'm going to need a lot of support just to be able to stay there and pay attention and get all my work done, and of course, keep from crying.
Johnny said he wants to talk a lot today, and so do I.
Even if we only stay friends, I want to be close friends. I honestly would have to say he's the best friend I have. I don't really use the term best friend anymore, but out of my friends, he's the best. If he ever needed help with anything, I'd help him, no matter what it was. I'd probably help him bury a body if he needed my help, but he's not the murdering type, so I doubt he'll ever show up at my door at 3 am, covered in blood, holding a shovel.
But, like with moving, (I don't know if I gave him the idea first, but I did mention it, and he said ti was a good idea) that he should stay around here when his parents move, to see if he likes it, and if he wants to, move over there eventually. Because if he moves over there, and doesn't like it, moving there and then back here would be more work than moving around here and then over there. That first sentence makes no sense... XD Okay, anyways, he says he may want to move over to where his parents are, because it would be easier, but he's always seemed to want to stay around here, because it's where he grew up, and if he didn't move, and stayed around here, if he ever needed help with anything, I'd always be there to help him.
No matter what happens, I know eventually, I'll be okay, but until then, it'll be rough. Of course, things could get better today, meaning we get back together or think about getting back together more, but things could also get worse today, meaning, he thinks it's best if we don't ever get back together and stay just friends.
I look at the pictures of him on my camera a lot. They make me really sad, since a lot of them were taken the day before we broke up, and he seemed so happy in them.
He says he didn't want things to end so soon either, and could have been happy with me until June or July, so I don't fully understand why he isn't sure if he wants to get back together or not, but I guess I'll find out in a few hours... I'm really nervous.
Since the break up, and Wednesday before he got here, I've been worried/upset by the problem a lot, and have had no appitite. Thursday, when he was here, I ate normally. And, we broke up Friday, and I've hardly eaten since, and it's not bothering me. I do eat daily, just not much.
Anyways, I should go, I have to clean my room, and make myself look presentable, rather than how I look now - wearing fur covered dirty clothes, my hair a mess, my teeth unbrushed, my eyes red, and my skin probably extra pale, and very dark circles under my eyes.
Oh, one more thing! Here's my horoscope for today:
It sounds perfect for today. I hope it's right. It does kind of make it seem like today is going to go good with Johnny.
I have no idea how it will go. Sometimes in person I wont say everything I want to say, or I'll be crying too much to say it, so I wrote a letter, as a back up plan.
I hope today goes well. I did not go to school today, and depending on how today goes, I may not go tomorrow.
We talked a lot about the issue last night, he had to ask me twice to change the subject, and wait until tomorrow (today) to talk about this. So, finally we were able to talk like normal friends with no problems. But that was only after I told him how I really felt, which he probbaly already knew, but oh well. Well, I didn't tell him just how much I care about him, which is a huge ammount, but he doesn't want me in love with him, or even close to being in love, so I tell him I'm not, and wont be, because if I thought I really wouldend up in love with him, there'd be no chance of us getting back together. And, I don't think I can care about him more than I already do, so no matter how long it lasts, I'll always be this upset about it.
Three relationships have ended recently that I know of, from Facebook. One was between two people who weren't together too long, and she seems okay with it, and the other was with people who I think were together for over a year, and he wanted to leave, but she still loved him, so I kind of know what she's going through.
I've never been heart broken before. I never thought I would be. I had always told myself, boys are just boys, there are plenty more out there, and the one that stays is the only one that matters. Which I still understand, but refuse to apply to this situation. Johnny is a really amazing guy. I tell him this constantly. We actually had a conversation about it last night, like him being an amazing guy in general, not just as a boyfriend. I've known him for almost a year, it'll be a year in March, and he's given me so many reasons to think he's amazing, and I can't think of one to make me think any differently at all. Of course, he has negative traits, but everyone does, and he's able to control those traits for the most part, so it's really good.
Last night, I finally messaged one of my friends, the one who messaged me on Facebook, asking if I was okay, more information about the break up, she's never really been good at helping people before, but apparently she's getting better now, and I needed someone to talk to. Hopefully talking to her will help a lot. When I do go back to school, I'm going to need a lot of support just to be able to stay there and pay attention and get all my work done, and of course, keep from crying.
Johnny said he wants to talk a lot today, and so do I.
Even if we only stay friends, I want to be close friends. I honestly would have to say he's the best friend I have. I don't really use the term best friend anymore, but out of my friends, he's the best. If he ever needed help with anything, I'd help him, no matter what it was. I'd probably help him bury a body if he needed my help, but he's not the murdering type, so I doubt he'll ever show up at my door at 3 am, covered in blood, holding a shovel.
But, like with moving, (I don't know if I gave him the idea first, but I did mention it, and he said ti was a good idea) that he should stay around here when his parents move, to see if he likes it, and if he wants to, move over there eventually. Because if he moves over there, and doesn't like it, moving there and then back here would be more work than moving around here and then over there. That first sentence makes no sense... XD Okay, anyways, he says he may want to move over to where his parents are, because it would be easier, but he's always seemed to want to stay around here, because it's where he grew up, and if he didn't move, and stayed around here, if he ever needed help with anything, I'd always be there to help him.
No matter what happens, I know eventually, I'll be okay, but until then, it'll be rough. Of course, things could get better today, meaning we get back together or think about getting back together more, but things could also get worse today, meaning, he thinks it's best if we don't ever get back together and stay just friends.
I look at the pictures of him on my camera a lot. They make me really sad, since a lot of them were taken the day before we broke up, and he seemed so happy in them.
He says he didn't want things to end so soon either, and could have been happy with me until June or July, so I don't fully understand why he isn't sure if he wants to get back together or not, but I guess I'll find out in a few hours... I'm really nervous.
Since the break up, and Wednesday before he got here, I've been worried/upset by the problem a lot, and have had no appitite. Thursday, when he was here, I ate normally. And, we broke up Friday, and I've hardly eaten since, and it's not bothering me. I do eat daily, just not much.
Anyways, I should go, I have to clean my room, and make myself look presentable, rather than how I look now - wearing fur covered dirty clothes, my hair a mess, my teeth unbrushed, my eyes red, and my skin probably extra pale, and very dark circles under my eyes.
Oh, one more thing! Here's my horoscope for today:
Take the initiative now -- communication is your strong point, so start persuading. The stars enable you to go farther and faster than ever, and all the right people are keeping up with you.
It sounds perfect for today. I hope it's right. It does kind of make it seem like today is going to go good with Johnny.
Day Ten, Challenge Three.
10: If you could only live off of one food and one beverage for the rest of your days, what would they be?
This challenge is kind of boring.. XD
Anyways, I couldn't pick just one food, for sure.
I might be okay living off fruit punch for a beverage. I do like fruit punch, but after a while, it'd get boring.
This challenge is kind of boring.. XD
Anyways, I couldn't pick just one food, for sure.
I might be okay living off fruit punch for a beverage. I do like fruit punch, but after a while, it'd get boring.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Note.
I found a note on Facebook, that I wanted to write, but it's too person for Facebook, so I'll post it here.
What’s something that can always make you feel better?
JohNNy.
Is there something you always wear?
My bracelet from JohNNy.
What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Chips.
Name someone that made you laugh today?
I didn’t laugh.
Ever been kissed under fireworks?
No.
What bed did you sleep in last night?
I slept on one of my cousin’s couches.
What was the last thing someone bought for you?
Juice.
Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Some are.
Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Yes.
What song is stuck in your head?
None.
Someone knocks on your window at 2am, who do you want it to be?
JohNNy.
What was the last book you read?
The Forbidden Game.
Have you ever dyed your hair?
Yes.
Any summer plans for 2011?
No.
Whats on your schedule for tomorrow?
Skipping school, and JohNNy’s coming over.
Do you like somebody?
I love JohNNy.
When was the last time you were told you were cute?
Wednesday or Thursday maybe.
When was the last time you were truly, completely happy with your life?
Like, three weeks ago.
When’s the next time you will see the person who absolutely takes your breath away?
Well, my breath does come back, but sometimes JohNNy does, and I’ll see him tomorrow.
What is your relationship status?
Not in a relationship. I don’t like saying single.
Do you think you will be in a relationship two months from now?
I hope, with JohNNy.
Has the last person you kissed ever told you they love you?
Yes.
Do you still pinky promise?
Sometimes.
When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
Thursday night, right before leaving.
Your best friend has sex with your ex, so what happens?
If it was the first, I’d think they were dumb. If it was the second, I’d hate them.
Have you taken off someones pants lately?
I’ve helped to.
Your friend kisses the boy/girl you like ?
I’d hate them.
Honestly who was the last person to tell you they love you?
JohNNy.
Is it possible to be single and happy?
Yeah, it is.
Do you find piercings attractive?
I don’t care.
Last person you kissed?
JohNNy.
Ever been in love?
I don’t know, maybe.
What will you do in two hours?
Cry, maybe talk to JohNNy.
Whats on your bed right now?
Blankets, pillows, clothes, me, my bookbag, and textbooks.
Where did you sleep last night?
My cousins couch.
Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?
I don’t text.
Are you happy with the way things are?
No.
Do you always answer your texts?
I don’t text.
In the past week, have you cried?
Daily.
Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2009?
No.
It’s 4 in the morning, your phone rings, who is it?
I don’t care, unless it’s JohNNy.
Do you like your phone?
I don’t have a cellphone.
If you woke up naked next to the last person you texted what would you say?
I don’t text.
What are the main websites you go on?
Facebook.
Would you be able to name everyone you have kissed in ‘10?
JohNNy.
Is there a member of the opposite sex on your mind?
JohNNy.
Do you still talk to the last person you kissed?
Daily.
You kissed someone last night, didn't you?
No.
Did you have a better day yesterday or today?
Neither have been good.
Is anything bugging you right now?
Yes.
Does it make you mad when people stare at you?
It depends on who it is.
Do you want to be single?
Not at all.
Are you single?
Yes.
Last time you were truly happy?
Three weeks or like a month and a half ago.
Have you ever felt replaced?
Yes.
Do you trust all of your friends?
No.
Currently wanting something?
JohNNy and I to get back together.
Drunk this weekend?
No.
Do you think there is ONE guy out there that actually completely understands you?
No.
If you got paid a million bucks to kiss Neapolian Dynamite, would you?
I guess, maybe.
What do you think about highschool sweethearts?
It’s sweet.
Do you watch any really lame shows?
I don’t really watch tv.
Are you afraid to fall in love?
I’m afriad of getting hurt.
Quick lyric from the last song you listened to?
I don’t remember.
Are you one to just give up?
Wiht somethings.
Do you know how to let go?
I guess not, I’ve never had to before, until now.
Do you regret anything?
Yes, the three weeks.
Are you an outgoing person?
No.
Shit happens right?
Yeah.
What movie(s) do you really wanna see?
None.
Who makes you feel better when you're really upset?
JohNNy is the only one who can.
Is there someone you just can't get enough of?
JohNNy.
What helps you relax?
JohNNy.
Do you like to cuddle?
With JohNNy.
Are you happy with the choices you've made?
Not recently.
If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
Summer.
Do you usually apologize first?
Only if I care about the person a lot.
Do you believe what goes around comes around?
I don’t know.
Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person?
No.
How did you meet the last male you texted?
I don’t text.
Sex ruins relationships, right?
Some, but not all.
Do you think it’s a bunch of bull shit when people say “I have no regrets"?
Not always.
There's a serial killer inside your house. What do you do?
Leave.
Would your parents be mad if you came home drunk?
I don’t know.
Has anyone told you they don't ever wanna lose you?
Yes.
Have you ever dated the same person more than twice?
No.
Do you ever use caps lock?
Sometimes.
Are you or were you anyones first love?
No.
Do you look people in the eyes when you talk to them?
Sometimes, it depends on the person.
Think of the last guy/girl who said I like you, do you think they meant it?
Yes, I hope so.
Who was the last person to play with your hair?
JohNNy.
Do you think you will be married by the time you are 35?
Maybe.
Do you like it when guys put their hats on your head?
I find it funny. Only JohNNy does it. I wouldn’t find it funny with anyone else.
Do you think it's possible to be friends with someone you wanna be with?
Yes.
Do you know what it's like to have to move on without wanting to?
Yes.
Who's the last person you texted? Have yall ever kissed?
I don’t text.
Is there anyone you wanna go back and try thing's out with for a second time?
Yes.
Think back to May, how was your love life?
I didn’t have one.
Is there anyone that you care more about than yourself?
Yes.
When a friend walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go?
It depends on how much I care about them. The only one I’d go after right now, is JohNNy.
Do you know a secret about your last ex that would embarrass them?
Yeah, but I’d never tell.
Do you feel like you’re a good person?
Sometimes.
Have you ever let someone be your everything?
Yeah.
Boys are always good with their words, am I right?
Sometimes, maybe.
If your walls were talking to you, what would they say?
They’d have a lot to say.
Sleep over
Because of Johnny and I breaking up, my mom thought it would be a good idea to send me to my cousins house for the night last night to get my mind off the break up, so i wouldn't spend all of my time in my room crying, which I've started to do. I actually did this most of yesterday until I talked to Johnny, and I'm doing it again now, too.
I like seeing my cousins and spending time with them, but I don't really llike being around people rihgt now, I want to be alone all of the time. My mom called my aunt and explain the situation and asked if I could go over for the night, without me knowing. I didn't want to go, but I didn't want to say no, and I thought maybe it would help. I was talking to Johnny then too, and he said I should go. So I went.
The first hour or two were okay. But, after a while, I lied and said that I had told people I'd be on MSN that night, so I could really just go on and talk to Johnny.
After that, I went to watch movies, and Johnny's friend went over to his house, so we both were busy and couldnt talk.
I thought of Johnny just about all night.
We watched Despicable Me, which I found kind of interesting, but some parts were sad, which wasn't good for me. And then we watched Piranah, well, they did. About halfway through, all of the screaming and dying just started randomly bothering me, and I had to leave the room, so I talked to one of my friends on MSN.
After the movie was over, we went to bed, and like the night before, I left my laptop on, with a conversation window with Johnny open. Around 2:30 I woke up again, and just laid there, and then around 3 something, Johnny had messaged me on Facebook, where I didn't get the messages until he was gone, but he asked why I hadn't been on since about 3 pm, implying he wanted to talk, not about anything important though. He said good night, on msn, so I got it and said good night back, and he signed off. I'm assuming he completely forgot we talked around 6 or 7, but it's nice to know that at least he wanted to talk to me.
I started wanting to go home last night after our moms left to celebrate my aunts birthday. I was really homesick last night, and it didn't help that I had forgot both the bracelet that I wear every day from Johnny and my blanket that I sleep with. By this morning, I really wanted to go home. I woke up around 9:00, and I called my mom at 10:00 and faked sick, so she came and got me, and I finally got home around 11:00.
All I kept thinking about was Johnny, and I just wanted to lay there and thinnk, but I had to socialize with people, so it was hard.
I almost started crying on the drive home, but luckily I was able to hold it back until I got in my bedroom, where it started right way.
My fathers girlfriend messaged me on Facebook asking if I was okay from the break up, and I said yeah, and she invited me to my aunts birthday supper tonight at my fathers house, but that would be too much socializing, so I'm not going to that.
My other friend messaged me about it too, and I said we were just taking a break and still friends. I haven;t gone into much detail with anyone about it. The only person who really knows how I feel is Johnny.
There was one friend who I messaged, but she didnt want to seem to talk about it, so I'm not talking to her about it. The one who messaged me on Facebook, kind of seems to want to, but she's not allowed on her laptop this weekend, so we can't talk about it.
I'm not going to school tomorrow. I either have to fake sick again, cry, and if my mother doesn't let me stay home, go to the bus stop, and when she drives away after dropping me off, walk back home, since she works all day, and tell her Johnny's picking me up at school and driving me home, since she knows he's coming over tomorrow to talk.
I know I should go to school, but I just can't yet. I'm going to have to get mym work sent home, and get extra help from friends, or email the teachers or something. I don't want to fall far behind in my work, but I'd rather that than actually going to school.
When talking yesterday, Johnny admitted that he didn't want to break up yet either, so hopefully talking tomorrow has a good outcome..
I like seeing my cousins and spending time with them, but I don't really llike being around people rihgt now, I want to be alone all of the time. My mom called my aunt and explain the situation and asked if I could go over for the night, without me knowing. I didn't want to go, but I didn't want to say no, and I thought maybe it would help. I was talking to Johnny then too, and he said I should go. So I went.
The first hour or two were okay. But, after a while, I lied and said that I had told people I'd be on MSN that night, so I could really just go on and talk to Johnny.
After that, I went to watch movies, and Johnny's friend went over to his house, so we both were busy and couldnt talk.
I thought of Johnny just about all night.
We watched Despicable Me, which I found kind of interesting, but some parts were sad, which wasn't good for me. And then we watched Piranah, well, they did. About halfway through, all of the screaming and dying just started randomly bothering me, and I had to leave the room, so I talked to one of my friends on MSN.
After the movie was over, we went to bed, and like the night before, I left my laptop on, with a conversation window with Johnny open. Around 2:30 I woke up again, and just laid there, and then around 3 something, Johnny had messaged me on Facebook, where I didn't get the messages until he was gone, but he asked why I hadn't been on since about 3 pm, implying he wanted to talk, not about anything important though. He said good night, on msn, so I got it and said good night back, and he signed off. I'm assuming he completely forgot we talked around 6 or 7, but it's nice to know that at least he wanted to talk to me.
I started wanting to go home last night after our moms left to celebrate my aunts birthday. I was really homesick last night, and it didn't help that I had forgot both the bracelet that I wear every day from Johnny and my blanket that I sleep with. By this morning, I really wanted to go home. I woke up around 9:00, and I called my mom at 10:00 and faked sick, so she came and got me, and I finally got home around 11:00.
All I kept thinking about was Johnny, and I just wanted to lay there and thinnk, but I had to socialize with people, so it was hard.
I almost started crying on the drive home, but luckily I was able to hold it back until I got in my bedroom, where it started right way.
My fathers girlfriend messaged me on Facebook asking if I was okay from the break up, and I said yeah, and she invited me to my aunts birthday supper tonight at my fathers house, but that would be too much socializing, so I'm not going to that.
My other friend messaged me about it too, and I said we were just taking a break and still friends. I haven;t gone into much detail with anyone about it. The only person who really knows how I feel is Johnny.
There was one friend who I messaged, but she didnt want to seem to talk about it, so I'm not talking to her about it. The one who messaged me on Facebook, kind of seems to want to, but she's not allowed on her laptop this weekend, so we can't talk about it.
I'm not going to school tomorrow. I either have to fake sick again, cry, and if my mother doesn't let me stay home, go to the bus stop, and when she drives away after dropping me off, walk back home, since she works all day, and tell her Johnny's picking me up at school and driving me home, since she knows he's coming over tomorrow to talk.
I know I should go to school, but I just can't yet. I'm going to have to get mym work sent home, and get extra help from friends, or email the teachers or something. I don't want to fall far behind in my work, but I'd rather that than actually going to school.
When talking yesterday, Johnny admitted that he didn't want to break up yet either, so hopefully talking tomorrow has a good outcome..
Day Eight and Nine, Challenge Three
Sorry for not posting yesterday, I usually post later at night, and I ended up being shipped off to my cousins for the night. I'll talk about that in another post.
8: If you could live anywhere, where would you live and why?
9: How old do you think you act? Explain.
Day 8: I don't know where I'd live. I used to think I'd like to live in Europe, but recently, I just don't care about where I live anymore.
Day 9: I don't know how old I act. I used to act like a 5 year old sometimes, like with my friends, and then other times I'd act my age, and sometimes I'd act like an adult. But right now, I can't think of any certain age. Maybe a teenager, I suppose, so my actual age; 16.
8: If you could live anywhere, where would you live and why?
9: How old do you think you act? Explain.
Day 8: I don't know where I'd live. I used to think I'd like to live in Europe, but recently, I just don't care about where I live anymore.
Day 9: I don't know how old I act. I used to act like a 5 year old sometimes, like with my friends, and then other times I'd act my age, and sometimes I'd act like an adult. But right now, I can't think of any certain age. Maybe a teenager, I suppose, so my actual age; 16.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
I had a dream..
Well, I woke up around 2:00 something last night, and couldn't sleep so I went on MSN and Johnny and I started talking. The conversation led to our break up, and I guess he didn't really want to break up just then, he said he still believed that we could have happily lasted until like June, or something. So I pretty much pressured him into breaking up with me when we could have lasted. So, now we're taking a break, and we may get back together,and we may not get back together. He's coming over on Monday so we can talk about it some more in person, because we've concluded that MSN really isn't the best way to talk about this stuff. We talked about it until 5:00 this morning, and then he went to bed and I complained to my cat. I'm not completely heart broken over the situation, but I now know we didn't need to break up yet, and we broke up because of me, and I was the one who wanted things to last longer. He wants to hang out a few more times before we decide whether to get back together or not. I want to get back together with him. This whole situation confuses me, I don't know how to feel, or think or anything. The only thing I know is I really regret, and hate myself for causing him to break up with me. He was confused, and so was I, but if I hadn't been so set on the thought that he wanted things to be over, we could still be together now. I hope we do evetually get back together.
Anyways, about the dream...
It fit with the situation between us really well, except it had a happy endning, and I don't know yet if there will be a happy ending in real life.
In the dream, which I don't fully remember, but I remember enough, he had his own apartment, and we were outside, sitting on a little deck thing he had, but it was in the air, like on some apartment buildings, and we were talking about things I could do to help him become more happier (I already want to make him more happier) and he said he wanted to meet new people, but before he finished the sentence, I called up to a group of girls who were above us, and introduced them, so they could be friends, but then he finished the sentence, and said that he wanted to meet new people, who were beautiful girls, which all of these girls are (while taking a break, I'm terrified he's going to find someone better, and the break will become permanent) so, he went up to talk to them, and he really hit it off with one girl, and they decided to go on a date that night. So, he got dressed up really fancy, and they left to go on the date, and I laid in his bed and cried, wishing I had never introduced him to those girls (which is like how I wish I never pushed him into breaking up with me), But in the dream, after he was gone for about 10 minutes, he came back to his room, and hugged me and kissed me, and laid down with me and apologized for what he did, and said that he loved me not her, and we got back together. (I do want us to get back together).
So the dream was really realistic, except I don't know the ending in real life yet. I hope there's a similar ending.
I hate myself and feel so stupid, because he was confused at the time, and me pushing on about him already wanting to break up with me confused him, and he ended up breaking up with me. He's still really confused, like about how he feels, and I'm very confused about how he feels. So, he said that hopefully by taking a break he can sort out his emotions, and we can work on communication, because he feels like sometimes he can't talk to me about some of his problems. Either because he doesn't want to bother me because I have my own problems, or because he doesn't understand the problem himself. But, I wouldn't care if I had 100 problems, he could still talk to me about his.
Sometimes I cry over us breaking up now, and sometimes I want to, but I'm sick, so crying only makes it worse, and sometimes, very rarely, I'm okay with the situation, but then I usually get mad at myself for being okay with it, and end up crying. We've only been broken up for a little over 12 hours, maybe like 14 hours, but I've thought about it a lot, and it doesn;t take much thought for me, I know that I still love him and want to be with him.
Hopefully when we talk Monday we'll get some things sorted out.
Anyways, about the dream...
It fit with the situation between us really well, except it had a happy endning, and I don't know yet if there will be a happy ending in real life.
In the dream, which I don't fully remember, but I remember enough, he had his own apartment, and we were outside, sitting on a little deck thing he had, but it was in the air, like on some apartment buildings, and we were talking about things I could do to help him become more happier (I already want to make him more happier) and he said he wanted to meet new people, but before he finished the sentence, I called up to a group of girls who were above us, and introduced them, so they could be friends, but then he finished the sentence, and said that he wanted to meet new people, who were beautiful girls, which all of these girls are (while taking a break, I'm terrified he's going to find someone better, and the break will become permanent) so, he went up to talk to them, and he really hit it off with one girl, and they decided to go on a date that night. So, he got dressed up really fancy, and they left to go on the date, and I laid in his bed and cried, wishing I had never introduced him to those girls (which is like how I wish I never pushed him into breaking up with me), But in the dream, after he was gone for about 10 minutes, he came back to his room, and hugged me and kissed me, and laid down with me and apologized for what he did, and said that he loved me not her, and we got back together. (I do want us to get back together).
So the dream was really realistic, except I don't know the ending in real life yet. I hope there's a similar ending.
I hate myself and feel so stupid, because he was confused at the time, and me pushing on about him already wanting to break up with me confused him, and he ended up breaking up with me. He's still really confused, like about how he feels, and I'm very confused about how he feels. So, he said that hopefully by taking a break he can sort out his emotions, and we can work on communication, because he feels like sometimes he can't talk to me about some of his problems. Either because he doesn't want to bother me because I have my own problems, or because he doesn't understand the problem himself. But, I wouldn't care if I had 100 problems, he could still talk to me about his.
Sometimes I cry over us breaking up now, and sometimes I want to, but I'm sick, so crying only makes it worse, and sometimes, very rarely, I'm okay with the situation, but then I usually get mad at myself for being okay with it, and end up crying. We've only been broken up for a little over 12 hours, maybe like 14 hours, but I've thought about it a lot, and it doesn;t take much thought for me, I know that I still love him and want to be with him.
Hopefully when we talk Monday we'll get some things sorted out.
Friday, February 11, 2011
I kind of feel so stupid writing this...
Well, Johnny and I broke up. And, I'm kind of okay with it... XD
I had been going on about how horrible it would be, but it's not that bad. And, I had a feeling he wanted to break up, so I kept digging and digging (into his soul!) until he finally admitted it. And we're still talking now, as if we're just really good friends, and we plan to stay close friends. I might be more upset about this tomorrow, but for now, I'm kind of okay with it. Of course I still love him, it's going to take some time to stop loving him, but I'm not heart broken or anything...yet. I'm starting to think that maybe tomorrow, when I wake up and remember he's no longer my boyfriend, I may be upset by it. But, at least for tonight, I'm okay with it.. We're still going to hang out and stuff, and maybe sometimes still have sleepovers, just as friends. Anyways, I'm tired, I think I'm going to go now..
I had been going on about how horrible it would be, but it's not that bad. And, I had a feeling he wanted to break up, so I kept digging and digging (into his soul!) until he finally admitted it. And we're still talking now, as if we're just really good friends, and we plan to stay close friends. I might be more upset about this tomorrow, but for now, I'm kind of okay with it. Of course I still love him, it's going to take some time to stop loving him, but I'm not heart broken or anything...yet. I'm starting to think that maybe tomorrow, when I wake up and remember he's no longer my boyfriend, I may be upset by it. But, at least for tonight, I'm okay with it.. We're still going to hang out and stuff, and maybe sometimes still have sleepovers, just as friends. Anyways, I'm tired, I think I'm going to go now..
I don't know how to feel
When Johnny was over we talked more about the issue. We only talked about it late and ngiht, and early(ish) in the morning. When he first came here, everything seemed normal, and for the most part it stayed that way. It was as if there was no issue at all. But, we were talking about it, and I do feel better about it now, but still not great. He mentioned staying together until June or July, and how we'd probably be able to do that. He said he wanted to. So, hopefully he's not just doing it to make me happy. I'd like to last until the second half of July, because then we'd have been together for a year. We first kissed on July 18th. I'd like to at least last a year with him. It's still hard to think about, and I don't want to have to face it, but I know I'm going to have to, and if I push it off farther, I may get more used to it so it wont hurt as much when it does happen. He said the main reason he felt this way was becuase of the stressful week he's had, so I don't know if it's only been this past week that's changed his feelings or not, but a lot of the stress is gone now, I think, so maybe he'll still care about me like he did, which I know wont keep us together longer, because he's still going to get bored. I've been trying to think of ways to keep him more amused/excited, but it's hard, and I've asked him about it, but he says he's happy doing what we usualy do, but he's getting bored of it. So, I don't really understand. I am going to try to make things more fun and interesting though. He was also talking about after we break up, how we'd still be friends, and if he doesn't move, we could still hang out and stuff, as friends. Last night, I was really worried about him leaving, because now that we've talked about breaking up, I feel like I want to be around him more before it ends, and I'm worried that it will be the last time I see him. I try not to let it show, but even an hour before he actually left, I was thinking about it, and I actually almost started crying because of it, but I managed to control it. I don't think I've cried about it since yesterday, when we were talking about it, in the morning, or noon time, or something. I don't really know when it was.
Before he woke up then, I was thinking about it a lot, and actually crying then. I was thinking about how like just a month ago, he was talking about how he thought we'd be able to last longer than a year, and he talked about if we were still together in a few years, living together, and now, like 30 days later, it's completely different. That probably upsets me the most, because it just changed so quickly. And now that I know he cares less, I start noticing, or thinking about it and trying to notice it more. When we're just talking on MSN I don't feel us as close as we used to be, and I know I can't make him as happy as I could. But, when we're in person, he seems to really care about me. So, I don't know. He wouldn't pretend to really care, so maybe he just feels more close when we're together, so maybe if we hang out more, he'll start feeling closer, and his feelings will go back to normal. I don't know if it will work, but I said I was going to try, and I'm still determined to. We aren't doing anything for Valentines day, since neither of us really celebrate it, other than by me giving out Barbie valentine's day cards, to six of my friends.
I don't fully know what to think of the situation, I try to make it go away, when he's gone, it bothers me, when he's here, I'm somewhat okay with it, not fully of course. It's pretty much all I ever think of anymore.
I also have a cold, which I am almost positive Johnny will get from me. He says he doesn't care, but I still feel bad. I only have Johnny who I can go to with my problems, which really scares me, because when he's gone I may have no one. Like, last night, I had been on MSN because I couldn't sleep, talking to him, at 2:30 - 3:00, and then I tried to go to sleep, but I ended up thinking about what it would be like if someone broke in to my house to kill me, and then around 3:30 I heard a gunshot outside, which really scared me, because in my mind, it was either a killer, or someone shooting a wild animal, and I hate wild animals, they scare me. So I got really scared, and went back on MSN to see if Johnny was still on, and I messaged him, and he must have been busy and it toook him a few minutes to respond. I was so scared I was kind of crying XD But, luckily he messaged back after a few minutes, and we talked until 4:30. If it weren't for Johnny being on MSN, and no one else was, I'd have been terrified and completely alone, which would have sucked. Before I knew his feelings changed, I was okay with being apart from him, we usually see eachother once or twice a week, and I was fine when we weren't together, but now I hate being away from him, but he does need time away, more than I do, and I usually really like my space. But, I worry so much when he's gone, and I feel lonely a lot. I hate it. This is so abnormal for me... This isn't all I could write, but since writing it makes me worry, and scared and sad, and confused, and I am able to write a lot more, I'm just going to go now..
Before he woke up then, I was thinking about it a lot, and actually crying then. I was thinking about how like just a month ago, he was talking about how he thought we'd be able to last longer than a year, and he talked about if we were still together in a few years, living together, and now, like 30 days later, it's completely different. That probably upsets me the most, because it just changed so quickly. And now that I know he cares less, I start noticing, or thinking about it and trying to notice it more. When we're just talking on MSN I don't feel us as close as we used to be, and I know I can't make him as happy as I could. But, when we're in person, he seems to really care about me. So, I don't know. He wouldn't pretend to really care, so maybe he just feels more close when we're together, so maybe if we hang out more, he'll start feeling closer, and his feelings will go back to normal. I don't know if it will work, but I said I was going to try, and I'm still determined to. We aren't doing anything for Valentines day, since neither of us really celebrate it, other than by me giving out Barbie valentine's day cards, to six of my friends.
I don't fully know what to think of the situation, I try to make it go away, when he's gone, it bothers me, when he's here, I'm somewhat okay with it, not fully of course. It's pretty much all I ever think of anymore.
I also have a cold, which I am almost positive Johnny will get from me. He says he doesn't care, but I still feel bad. I only have Johnny who I can go to with my problems, which really scares me, because when he's gone I may have no one. Like, last night, I had been on MSN because I couldn't sleep, talking to him, at 2:30 - 3:00, and then I tried to go to sleep, but I ended up thinking about what it would be like if someone broke in to my house to kill me, and then around 3:30 I heard a gunshot outside, which really scared me, because in my mind, it was either a killer, or someone shooting a wild animal, and I hate wild animals, they scare me. So I got really scared, and went back on MSN to see if Johnny was still on, and I messaged him, and he must have been busy and it toook him a few minutes to respond. I was so scared I was kind of crying XD But, luckily he messaged back after a few minutes, and we talked until 4:30. If it weren't for Johnny being on MSN, and no one else was, I'd have been terrified and completely alone, which would have sucked. Before I knew his feelings changed, I was okay with being apart from him, we usually see eachother once or twice a week, and I was fine when we weren't together, but now I hate being away from him, but he does need time away, more than I do, and I usually really like my space. But, I worry so much when he's gone, and I feel lonely a lot. I hate it. This is so abnormal for me... This isn't all I could write, but since writing it makes me worry, and scared and sad, and confused, and I am able to write a lot more, I'm just going to go now..
Day Seven, Challenge Three
7: Do you read? If so, what are your three favorite books and why?
I used to read. I never read anymore. I don't know why. Sometimes I just don't have time, and other times there are other things I'd rather be doing. I read a lot more before Johnny and I got together, and just before summer in general. But I still have my favourite books/series. I don't think I can limit it to three books, though. Here are some books I like though:
The Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx.
The Forbidden Game by L.J. Smith
The Night World series by L.J. Smith
The Morganville Vampire series by Rachel Caine
Prey by Laurlene McDaniel (I may have spelled her name wrong)
The Darkest Powers triology by Kelley Armstrong
The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel series by Michael Scott
Ticktock by Dean Koontz
The Taking by Dean Koontz
Pet Semetary by Stephen King
That's all I can think of right now, by bookshelf is unorganized, so I can't see all of the books I have..
I used to read. I never read anymore. I don't know why. Sometimes I just don't have time, and other times there are other things I'd rather be doing. I read a lot more before Johnny and I got together, and just before summer in general. But I still have my favourite books/series. I don't think I can limit it to three books, though. Here are some books I like though:
The Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx.
The Forbidden Game by L.J. Smith
The Night World series by L.J. Smith
The Morganville Vampire series by Rachel Caine
Prey by Laurlene McDaniel (I may have spelled her name wrong)
The Darkest Powers triology by Kelley Armstrong
The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel series by Michael Scott
Ticktock by Dean Koontz
The Taking by Dean Koontz
Pet Semetary by Stephen King
That's all I can think of right now, by bookshelf is unorganized, so I can't see all of the books I have..
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Day Six, Challenge Three.
6: Name five things from your wishlist.
These are in no particular order..
1. I wish I was a billionaire or something. So, if schooling failed, I'd have nothing to worry about. I wouldn't keep all of the money for myself, I'd give some to friends and family, help other people, and donate too. And, I'd probbaly spend the majority of my money on stuffed animals to be honest. I had over 1000, and a week or two ago, I had to go through them all, and choose which I really wanted, and only have like 50 now.. So I'd need a big house so I had room for all of them too. XD
2. I guess I'd wish things were better between Johnny and I, but since he was here last night, we had more time to talk, and things don't seem as bad now. Still bad, but no as bad. And it's not that things are bad, things are good, just that we were able to stay together longer happily.
3. I wish I could fly. Over long distances too. I hate planes, but love Europe, and plan to go there a lot in the future. So, if I could fly, I wouldn't need to worry about planes. And it would be cool to fly anyways. Maybe on a broom, so I could fly people or other things with me, kind of like Kiki, from Kiki's Delivery Service.
4. I wish I could have my own library. Even if I'm not reading books, I like to be around them. So, I could have a study, or an office or something, with the walls being completely covered in bookshelves, one of those tall rooms too, with lots of books, and a ladder to slide around on!
5. I wish I had a female bestfriend. I've had female bestfriends before. Like, 5 or 6 probably. But, I've never been very open with them about my feelings, and they've never been open much with me either. I remember one time, I talked to one of them on my bed, because the guy she liked didn't like her, and that was the only time anything like that happened. I'd like to have one to go to and talk to about stuff, but I just don't know if I can. Johnny and I were talking about it a bit, and there is one friend, that maybe it could be like that, but I'm not sure. She is one of my more mature friends though, which would be good, but I'm not sure.
These are in no particular order..
1. I wish I was a billionaire or something. So, if schooling failed, I'd have nothing to worry about. I wouldn't keep all of the money for myself, I'd give some to friends and family, help other people, and donate too. And, I'd probbaly spend the majority of my money on stuffed animals to be honest. I had over 1000, and a week or two ago, I had to go through them all, and choose which I really wanted, and only have like 50 now.. So I'd need a big house so I had room for all of them too. XD
2. I guess I'd wish things were better between Johnny and I, but since he was here last night, we had more time to talk, and things don't seem as bad now. Still bad, but no as bad. And it's not that things are bad, things are good, just that we were able to stay together longer happily.
3. I wish I could fly. Over long distances too. I hate planes, but love Europe, and plan to go there a lot in the future. So, if I could fly, I wouldn't need to worry about planes. And it would be cool to fly anyways. Maybe on a broom, so I could fly people or other things with me, kind of like Kiki, from Kiki's Delivery Service.
4. I wish I could have my own library. Even if I'm not reading books, I like to be around them. So, I could have a study, or an office or something, with the walls being completely covered in bookshelves, one of those tall rooms too, with lots of books, and a ladder to slide around on!
5. I wish I had a female bestfriend. I've had female bestfriends before. Like, 5 or 6 probably. But, I've never been very open with them about my feelings, and they've never been open much with me either. I remember one time, I talked to one of them on my bed, because the guy she liked didn't like her, and that was the only time anything like that happened. I'd like to have one to go to and talk to about stuff, but I just don't know if I can. Johnny and I were talking about it a bit, and there is one friend, that maybe it could be like that, but I'm not sure. She is one of my more mature friends though, which would be good, but I'm not sure.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Day Five, Challenge Three
5: At what age were you the happiest?
Before this week, I'd say 16, the age I am now.
It's been a good year, but this week has really sucked, so I'm being kind of biased, in a way.
But, I was a pretty happy toddler, so I'd say 3.
Before this week, I'd say 16, the age I am now.
It's been a good year, but this week has really sucked, so I'm being kind of biased, in a way.
But, I was a pretty happy toddler, so I'd say 3.
Worst Snowday Ever..
So, today was a snow day, which I was glad for. But it still sucked.
Johnny had been talking about moving and breaking up more in the last few days, which I had noticed, so I spent most of my day worrying about things ending soon, him leaving, us not talking, etc. I spent most of the day crying to be honest. I could barely control it. I wanted him to come on msn so we could talk about it and hopefully he could make me feel better. He came on, and we started talking about it almost right away. And, apparently he's been thinking of me less, and is starting to not want to be my boyfriend as much, which he had never said before. I wasn't too surprised though, just sad because now I can't lie to myself and ignore it. Now I know things are ending. We're still together now, but I don't know how much longer. He says we should just let things change on their own so we don't even really need to say we're breaking up, that it will just happen and that we will both just know. While I on the other hand, have been getting closer to him, which I didn't told him. I told him I cared about him just as much as before. He was talking about maybe trying to make it last longer, if I thought it could, but I know he doesn't want to. He said, it was just always the same, and it gets boring after a while. He said making things more interesting may make it last longer, but he didn't want it to last longer and me care for him even more, and then have it even worse when we break up. Which, I completely understand, but I still do want to try because I don't want it to end yet. He knows I don't want it to end, and that I'm going to be sad when it does. He knows I'm already sad. But we plan to stay good friends afterwards, and go back to how we were before, pretend brother and sister, and he said, since we'll always be siblings, and cant change that, we'd still talk for that reason, and because we were always good friends. We agreed to still be able to go to eachother with our problems and everything. So in a way, he's going from boyfriend, to best friend. Which is good, because I still want him in my life, and when he talks about it, he makes it seem okay, and not so bad, but now, while he's not on msn, I go back to my usual thinking.
I'm not going to school tomorrow. He's coming over around 9 or 10 tonight for the night. I want to talk to him more, and maybe find some ways to making the relationship more interesting to prolong it..
I had to ask my mom if I could stay home from school tomorrow, and I was already crying, and she asked if he broke up with me when I started crying, and I said no, and then explained a little. And my mother and I hugged for a few minutes. Stuff like this never happens with her, but I couldn't keep from crying. I still can't..
He also expressed how he feels bad and like he was leading me on or using me, but he said from the beginning we wouldn't last more than a year or two, it's only been 6.5 months, but I knew to expect it, and he got good things from the relationship, and so did I. We've helped eachother a lot. He's helped me through so much stuff, and made things so much more easy for me. He's made me feel better as a person, and just overall, had a good, large, impact on my life.
We'll probably be in a relationship for a month or more, maybe. I'm really not ready for this. We're not breaking up because we don't get along or anything, we get along great, we never argue or anything, he's just getting bored, and he probably feels we're distancing. But I will try to make things more exciting, and try to bring us closer again, even until summer, because that way, I don't have to worry about school. Because, with the way things are going, tomorrow probably wont be the only day I miss.
I've never been upset over a break up before. Johnny's my second boyfriend, and I left the first, and I had been so happy to leave him. but things were different between Johnny and I. We got along more, we had more fun, we were happier (another thing is I can't make him as happy easily anymore).
I have no idea what if feels like to be hurt by a break up, and "heart broken." People don't leave me, I always leave them, and now, the person who helps me the most, and is incredibly important to me, and who I care about so much, is leaving me. He's the most important person in my life, besides a few family members, and he's going. Not completely, but things wont be the same. We probabloy wont hang out as much, and I will miss hanging out with him. He wont be there to comfort me as I cry, or to watch movies beside me while I do homework to relieve stress.
I don't know what I'll do without him being so close. We'll hopefully still be close, but will it be enough?
I thought about how I could move on, and find another guy who could make me happy, but I hate the thought of being with someone else. I won't be ready to be with another guy for a very long time. He's going to move on a lot faster than me too. And, I know I wont be able to find someone as great for me as him. Like, I don't just think that now, I know I wont. I don't get along great with a lot of people, and most people annoy me a lot and easily, and most people don't accept me for me, or understand me, or get along with me so well, hardly anyone has the same humor as me, or respects my decisions, and is okay with who I am. He's almost perfect for me, except that he wants to go. I really don't think I'll find someone else who is so good for me.
-Kind of rather personal/sexual-
I'm worried about seeing him tonight, because he wasn't sure about coming, because I had a pregnancy scare, and he didn't want to come because he was thinking it would be best not to have sex, and if he came, he'd want to, but I convinced him to anyways. And, I don't want to start crying in the middle of sex or something, that would just be horrible. It'll be happening when he gets here, so I have time after that to cry and talk to him. But, what if this is our last sleepover together, I don't want to ruin it. And things may be awkward too, but I do really want to see him.
I can't imagine someday not ever seeing him again, like if he does move to another province, I probably wont see him again, and that would just be so difficult, of course seeing him and not being able to hug him or kiss him whenever I want would be hard too. But, I just can't picture my life without him in it a lot anymore. I know I was fine before him, but I don't even know how now. I have no idea how I'll cope without him. If I'll even be able to.
Johnny was the only person whoever really tried to get me to trust them and open up to them, and to be comfortable with them, without using it for sex. He's be amazing the entire relationship, so of course, I really care about him. I don't want to say I'm in love with him, but it's close, I'd say. He doesn't want me in love with him. Johnny's just really the only person to ever really care about me and treat me so good. Who he is, is amazing. He doesn't like fighting, he's respectful and cares about my feelings, his personality goes great with mine, everything is just a really good fit between us, I find.
I don't want to cry around him and make him feel bad, but I know I'm going to. I can hardly control my crying when he isn't around to remind me of how much I'm going to miss him. I hope he lets me keep the shirt I gave him. I really want to keep it. I don't want to let him go, but I have to, so hopefully I don't have to let the sweet reminders like that go too.
Johnny had been talking about moving and breaking up more in the last few days, which I had noticed, so I spent most of my day worrying about things ending soon, him leaving, us not talking, etc. I spent most of the day crying to be honest. I could barely control it. I wanted him to come on msn so we could talk about it and hopefully he could make me feel better. He came on, and we started talking about it almost right away. And, apparently he's been thinking of me less, and is starting to not want to be my boyfriend as much, which he had never said before. I wasn't too surprised though, just sad because now I can't lie to myself and ignore it. Now I know things are ending. We're still together now, but I don't know how much longer. He says we should just let things change on their own so we don't even really need to say we're breaking up, that it will just happen and that we will both just know. While I on the other hand, have been getting closer to him, which I didn't told him. I told him I cared about him just as much as before. He was talking about maybe trying to make it last longer, if I thought it could, but I know he doesn't want to. He said, it was just always the same, and it gets boring after a while. He said making things more interesting may make it last longer, but he didn't want it to last longer and me care for him even more, and then have it even worse when we break up. Which, I completely understand, but I still do want to try because I don't want it to end yet. He knows I don't want it to end, and that I'm going to be sad when it does. He knows I'm already sad. But we plan to stay good friends afterwards, and go back to how we were before, pretend brother and sister, and he said, since we'll always be siblings, and cant change that, we'd still talk for that reason, and because we were always good friends. We agreed to still be able to go to eachother with our problems and everything. So in a way, he's going from boyfriend, to best friend. Which is good, because I still want him in my life, and when he talks about it, he makes it seem okay, and not so bad, but now, while he's not on msn, I go back to my usual thinking.
I'm not going to school tomorrow. He's coming over around 9 or 10 tonight for the night. I want to talk to him more, and maybe find some ways to making the relationship more interesting to prolong it..
I had to ask my mom if I could stay home from school tomorrow, and I was already crying, and she asked if he broke up with me when I started crying, and I said no, and then explained a little. And my mother and I hugged for a few minutes. Stuff like this never happens with her, but I couldn't keep from crying. I still can't..
He also expressed how he feels bad and like he was leading me on or using me, but he said from the beginning we wouldn't last more than a year or two, it's only been 6.5 months, but I knew to expect it, and he got good things from the relationship, and so did I. We've helped eachother a lot. He's helped me through so much stuff, and made things so much more easy for me. He's made me feel better as a person, and just overall, had a good, large, impact on my life.
We'll probably be in a relationship for a month or more, maybe. I'm really not ready for this. We're not breaking up because we don't get along or anything, we get along great, we never argue or anything, he's just getting bored, and he probably feels we're distancing. But I will try to make things more exciting, and try to bring us closer again, even until summer, because that way, I don't have to worry about school. Because, with the way things are going, tomorrow probably wont be the only day I miss.
I've never been upset over a break up before. Johnny's my second boyfriend, and I left the first, and I had been so happy to leave him. but things were different between Johnny and I. We got along more, we had more fun, we were happier (another thing is I can't make him as happy easily anymore).
I have no idea what if feels like to be hurt by a break up, and "heart broken." People don't leave me, I always leave them, and now, the person who helps me the most, and is incredibly important to me, and who I care about so much, is leaving me. He's the most important person in my life, besides a few family members, and he's going. Not completely, but things wont be the same. We probabloy wont hang out as much, and I will miss hanging out with him. He wont be there to comfort me as I cry, or to watch movies beside me while I do homework to relieve stress.
I don't know what I'll do without him being so close. We'll hopefully still be close, but will it be enough?
I thought about how I could move on, and find another guy who could make me happy, but I hate the thought of being with someone else. I won't be ready to be with another guy for a very long time. He's going to move on a lot faster than me too. And, I know I wont be able to find someone as great for me as him. Like, I don't just think that now, I know I wont. I don't get along great with a lot of people, and most people annoy me a lot and easily, and most people don't accept me for me, or understand me, or get along with me so well, hardly anyone has the same humor as me, or respects my decisions, and is okay with who I am. He's almost perfect for me, except that he wants to go. I really don't think I'll find someone else who is so good for me.
-Kind of rather personal/sexual-
I'm worried about seeing him tonight, because he wasn't sure about coming, because I had a pregnancy scare, and he didn't want to come because he was thinking it would be best not to have sex, and if he came, he'd want to, but I convinced him to anyways. And, I don't want to start crying in the middle of sex or something, that would just be horrible. It'll be happening when he gets here, so I have time after that to cry and talk to him. But, what if this is our last sleepover together, I don't want to ruin it. And things may be awkward too, but I do really want to see him.
I can't imagine someday not ever seeing him again, like if he does move to another province, I probably wont see him again, and that would just be so difficult, of course seeing him and not being able to hug him or kiss him whenever I want would be hard too. But, I just can't picture my life without him in it a lot anymore. I know I was fine before him, but I don't even know how now. I have no idea how I'll cope without him. If I'll even be able to.
Johnny was the only person whoever really tried to get me to trust them and open up to them, and to be comfortable with them, without using it for sex. He's be amazing the entire relationship, so of course, I really care about him. I don't want to say I'm in love with him, but it's close, I'd say. He doesn't want me in love with him. Johnny's just really the only person to ever really care about me and treat me so good. Who he is, is amazing. He doesn't like fighting, he's respectful and cares about my feelings, his personality goes great with mine, everything is just a really good fit between us, I find.
I don't want to cry around him and make him feel bad, but I know I'm going to. I can hardly control my crying when he isn't around to remind me of how much I'm going to miss him. I hope he lets me keep the shirt I gave him. I really want to keep it. I don't want to let him go, but I have to, so hopefully I don't have to let the sweet reminders like that go too.
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
I don't know how to title stuff anymore.
There's been so much bothering me that I'm pretty much too lazy to even think of a title, and it's kind of depressing, somehow.
I'm really irritable and sad lately. One reason is the second thing I didn't want to mention in an earlier post, which will hopefully be ressolved Thursday. And other than that, all of my friends are being annoying, or I'm finding they are, Chemistry is already stressing me out since the teacher does not explain anything at all, my mothers boyfriend is causing stress in the enitre house, and Johnny might be moving to another province.
School is just horrible, even though two of my classes are easy so far, there's still being in public, and my friends bothering me, and socializing, and thinking about other stuff that bothers me.
I've been thinking about cutting, a lot. But I haven't yet, and I plan on continuing trying not to. I can't say I wont, but at least I'd be trying.
I've been so emotional recently, like a lot more than usual. And it's all negative emotions, rarely positive ones. I don't even feel like acting happy anymore. In Chemistry today I was fake smiling, and I think it was really obvious, since I was just staring at my textbook, and pulling my lips up in a smiley face shape, a bit, whenever required.
I don't even know what to think of everything right now. And with the thing with Johnny, I'm trying to be supportive and help him make his decision, so he can do what he wants to do. Of course I want him to stay, but I don't tell him that. I don't want to affect his choice, and I want him to do whatever he wants to do without feeling guilty or anything.
I've also been sleeping more recently, which I guess is good, I still feel just as exhausted though. I only sleep so I don't have to be awake.
I don't know what to do about anything anymore.
I'm really irritable and sad lately. One reason is the second thing I didn't want to mention in an earlier post, which will hopefully be ressolved Thursday. And other than that, all of my friends are being annoying, or I'm finding they are, Chemistry is already stressing me out since the teacher does not explain anything at all, my mothers boyfriend is causing stress in the enitre house, and Johnny might be moving to another province.
School is just horrible, even though two of my classes are easy so far, there's still being in public, and my friends bothering me, and socializing, and thinking about other stuff that bothers me.
I've been thinking about cutting, a lot. But I haven't yet, and I plan on continuing trying not to. I can't say I wont, but at least I'd be trying.
I've been so emotional recently, like a lot more than usual. And it's all negative emotions, rarely positive ones. I don't even feel like acting happy anymore. In Chemistry today I was fake smiling, and I think it was really obvious, since I was just staring at my textbook, and pulling my lips up in a smiley face shape, a bit, whenever required.
I don't even know what to think of everything right now. And with the thing with Johnny, I'm trying to be supportive and help him make his decision, so he can do what he wants to do. Of course I want him to stay, but I don't tell him that. I don't want to affect his choice, and I want him to do whatever he wants to do without feeling guilty or anything.
I've also been sleeping more recently, which I guess is good, I still feel just as exhausted though. I only sleep so I don't have to be awake.
I don't know what to do about anything anymore.
Day Four, Challenge Three.
4: If you could chose a time period to be born at , which one would it be and why?
I'd choose to be born when I was born. There are other time periods I really like, but I think I'd rather live how I am now than any other way, surprisingly.
I'd choose to be born when I was born. There are other time periods I really like, but I think I'd rather live how I am now than any other way, surprisingly.
Monday, February 07, 2011
Day Three, Challenge Three.
3: What band / musician is most important to you? Explain why.
Recently I have actually been getting really far away from music. I hardly listen to it anymore, only when in vehicles mostly. So, I don't have any important band or musician right now.
Well, there are some people who play guitar in my family..and Johnny does. But other than that, no one.
Recently I have actually been getting really far away from music. I hardly listen to it anymore, only when in vehicles mostly. So, I don't have any important band or musician right now.
Well, there are some people who play guitar in my family..and Johnny does. But other than that, no one.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Day Two, Challenge Three.
2: What is your stance on religion? Would you affiliate yourself with any?
I like learning about some religions, but I don't follow any religions. I am not religious at all. Some people say I'm an atheist because of this, but I am not. Atheism is a religion, and I am not religious. I'm just me.
I like learning about some religions, but I don't follow any religions. I am not religious at all. Some people say I'm an atheist because of this, but I am not. Atheism is a religion, and I am not religious. I'm just me.
Saturday, February 05, 2011
Day One, Challenge Three
1: Name two of the most significant people in your life and explain why.
The two most significant people in my life, who I guess are there for me the most, and help me the most, and have the biggest impact, would be Johnny and my mom.
I'd say Johnny is one of them, because he's the only person who I'm actually close to and can talk to about my problems and share my secrets with. I get along better with him than with anyone else, and he's the only person who can make me happy even when I'm really upset. He has had a big impact on my life because before I met him, I was a different person, like I had been meaner before I knew him, and he's one of the reasons I've become nicer, and he's just taught or helped teach me of other ways to think, and he's made me see things differently, and think about some things differently. I had really low self confidence before, and I thought I was a slut and hated myself a lot, and all of that isn't as bad now. I no longer think I'm a slut, I don't completely hate myself, and I'm nto as self conscious. If Johnny and I werent so close, I'd have no one to talk to, and I'd be so bottled up, that it would have had such a negative affect on me by now. He's the most positive person I have in my life, both as a person, and a person who's helping me.
I'd say my mom is the other becuase, well, she's my mom. She was always my favourite parent, pretty much my only parent now because I hardly see my father. When I was younger, I always had to be around my mother, even when she was using the washroom. And, after the divorce, I had to live with my father more, and I hated that. I wanted to live with my mother and always said that when I turned 13 I was moving in my with my mother, and when I was 13 or 14, I did move in with her. I still went to see my father, but the visits became less and less. My mother was always nicer and had a better way of raising children. My father didnt seem to care much, and my mother was teaching me to read far above my grade level, even before I was in school because she wanted to. And, she's just been over all the better parent, and she's been supporting me for all 16 years of my life. Buying me food, clothes, giving me shelter, etc. Even though we aren't all that close, she's still played a significant role in my life.
The two most significant people in my life, who I guess are there for me the most, and help me the most, and have the biggest impact, would be Johnny and my mom.
I'd say Johnny is one of them, because he's the only person who I'm actually close to and can talk to about my problems and share my secrets with. I get along better with him than with anyone else, and he's the only person who can make me happy even when I'm really upset. He has had a big impact on my life because before I met him, I was a different person, like I had been meaner before I knew him, and he's one of the reasons I've become nicer, and he's just taught or helped teach me of other ways to think, and he's made me see things differently, and think about some things differently. I had really low self confidence before, and I thought I was a slut and hated myself a lot, and all of that isn't as bad now. I no longer think I'm a slut, I don't completely hate myself, and I'm nto as self conscious. If Johnny and I werent so close, I'd have no one to talk to, and I'd be so bottled up, that it would have had such a negative affect on me by now. He's the most positive person I have in my life, both as a person, and a person who's helping me.
I'd say my mom is the other becuase, well, she's my mom. She was always my favourite parent, pretty much my only parent now because I hardly see my father. When I was younger, I always had to be around my mother, even when she was using the washroom. And, after the divorce, I had to live with my father more, and I hated that. I wanted to live with my mother and always said that when I turned 13 I was moving in my with my mother, and when I was 13 or 14, I did move in with her. I still went to see my father, but the visits became less and less. My mother was always nicer and had a better way of raising children. My father didnt seem to care much, and my mother was teaching me to read far above my grade level, even before I was in school because she wanted to. And, she's just been over all the better parent, and she's been supporting me for all 16 years of my life. Buying me food, clothes, giving me shelter, etc. Even though we aren't all that close, she's still played a significant role in my life.
Another Challenge!
So, a while ago, I said (or thought of saying) that I was going to do another challenge some time soon, so I've decided to now. I'm bored, I find it hard thinking of things to post now, and I've stopped posting daily, which is something I wanted to do, so maybe this challenge will help get me back on track. It's a 30 day challenge, so 3 times as long as the first, and 6 times as long as the Christmas one...
This is what it looks like:
(I'll be doing Day One in another post in a few minutes)
1: Name two of the most significant people in your life and explain why.
2: What is your stance on religon? Would you affiliate yourself with any?
3: What band / musician is most important to you? Explain why.
4: If you could chose a time period to be born at , which one would it be and why?
5: At what age were you the happiest?
6: Name five things from your wishlist.
7: Do you read? If so, what are your three favorite books and why?
8: If you could live anywhere, where would you live and why?
9: How old do you think you act? Explain.
10: If you could only live off of one food and one beverage for the rest of your days, what would they be?
11: What is your favorite quote? How does it relate to your life?
12: What item of clothing do you wear the most?
13: What can you not live without?
14: Name things that you do every day.
15: Who is someone you admire. Why?
16: If the world were to end tomorrow, what would you do with your remaining time on earth?
17: What do you want to be when you get older? Why did you choose it?
18: If you could meet anyone, living or dead, who would it be? What would you say to them or ask them?
19: What is your favorite film? Why is it so important to you?
20: Would you consider yourself an optimist or a realist? Why?
21: Do you want children? Why or why not?
22: What subject did / do you exceed in / at school?
23: Are you a fan of art? If so, who is your favorite artist? What artistic movement do you prefer?
24: How attractive do you consider yourself?
25: Would you rather date someone plain with an amazing personality or someone beautiful with a plain personality?
26: Choose two: mentally stable, intelligent, attractive. Explain why you chose those two.
27: Which do you prefer: films or television? Why?
28: If you could choose to live forever, would you? Why or why not?
29: Do you wish for anything at 11:11? If so, what do you wish for? Has anything ever come true?
30: What do you imagine your life like at age fifty?
This is what it looks like:
(I'll be doing Day One in another post in a few minutes)
1: Name two of the most significant people in your life and explain why.
2: What is your stance on religon? Would you affiliate yourself with any?
3: What band / musician is most important to you? Explain why.
4: If you could chose a time period to be born at , which one would it be and why?
5: At what age were you the happiest?
6: Name five things from your wishlist.
7: Do you read? If so, what are your three favorite books and why?
8: If you could live anywhere, where would you live and why?
9: How old do you think you act? Explain.
10: If you could only live off of one food and one beverage for the rest of your days, what would they be?
11: What is your favorite quote? How does it relate to your life?
12: What item of clothing do you wear the most?
13: What can you not live without?
14: Name things that you do every day.
15: Who is someone you admire. Why?
16: If the world were to end tomorrow, what would you do with your remaining time on earth?
17: What do you want to be when you get older? Why did you choose it?
18: If you could meet anyone, living or dead, who would it be? What would you say to them or ask them?
19: What is your favorite film? Why is it so important to you?
20: Would you consider yourself an optimist or a realist? Why?
21: Do you want children? Why or why not?
22: What subject did / do you exceed in / at school?
23: Are you a fan of art? If so, who is your favorite artist? What artistic movement do you prefer?
24: How attractive do you consider yourself?
25: Would you rather date someone plain with an amazing personality or someone beautiful with a plain personality?
26: Choose two: mentally stable, intelligent, attractive. Explain why you chose those two.
27: Which do you prefer: films or television? Why?
28: If you could choose to live forever, would you? Why or why not?
29: Do you wish for anything at 11:11? If so, what do you wish for? Has anything ever come true?
30: What do you imagine your life like at age fifty?
I watched one of the Saw movies last night, it scared me when I was watching it, but after that, it didn't really scare me all that much, surprisingly. I thought I'd never get to sleep, but I did! I'm writing this on my iPod because my laptop battery is almost dead, and I'm too lazy to plug it in. XD So I am at my fathers girlfriends house,my cousins and aunt just got here, even Ali! I was trying to make a post last night, but I was too impatient, because I was using this then too, so I did not finish it, and I don't want to look for the draft. And there were two things that I wanted to write about. I'll start with the smaller one. Even though I hope the bigger one is no big deal. Anyways the first thing is kind of, but not, about cheating. Yesterday at school, while waiting for the bus to my fathers, I was waiting outside with two of my friends Brandon and Jenna, and I don't have a winter jacket (I have one, but its dirty and I'm too lazy to wash it), and I was wearing gym pants, and a sweater and t-shirt only, so, of course, I was freezing. Then Brandon, who's a really nice guy in general, unzippered his jacket, and half wrapped it around me, while still wearing it, until the bus came, which was like 10 minutes. So, he was kind of side hugging me for 10 minutes. Brandon and I are just friends, obviously. But, when I got home, a girl messaged me on Facebook, and asked why I was cuddling with another guy while dating Johnny. I said we weren't cuddling, I was cold and he was helping to keep me warm because we're good friends. But she seemed to think I was cheating or something. Which I don't at all think I was. Brandon and I have no feelings for eachother other than friendship, it was just a long hug, in the middle of winter when I was freezing, and it's not like that's something we do a lot or something. He knows I'm with Johnny too, and wouldn't try to make me cheat or anything like that. Would you consider that cheating? I don't see how doing it with a guy friend is any different then doing it with a female friend. I haven't asked Johnny what his opinion is yet, but I plan to, and just to tell him, in case he ends up hearing from the girl who asked me, because it would be better if he heard it from me first, and I have absolutely nothing to hide. Brandon and Johnny know eachother and get along fine too. I hate how hard it is for people to accept the fact that girls and guys can be friends without having feelings for eachother.
There was the other thing I said I was going to talk about, but I don't fully know if I want to. Of course, I do want to talk about it, just so it's not a secret and all bottled up inside, but I may get the chance to talk to Johnny about it maybe tomorrow, after he gets home from his friends house, I;m not going to bother him while he's there, that's rude and dumb, I think. And it can wait a few days. It might not even be a problem, it could easily solve itself. And I've been through this before too, so I kind of know what it's like, and it's better than it being the first time or something. It worries me, but I try not to think about it.
Anyways. I should go for now.
Bye!
There was the other thing I said I was going to talk about, but I don't fully know if I want to. Of course, I do want to talk about it, just so it's not a secret and all bottled up inside, but I may get the chance to talk to Johnny about it maybe tomorrow, after he gets home from his friends house, I;m not going to bother him while he's there, that's rude and dumb, I think. And it can wait a few days. It might not even be a problem, it could easily solve itself. And I've been through this before too, so I kind of know what it's like, and it's better than it being the first time or something. It worries me, but I try not to think about it.
Anyways. I should go for now.
Bye!
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Another snow day.
I still got up at 7:00 though, well 7:07. At least I didn't wake up between 4:00 and 4:40, which I had been doing for the last few days. I still want to sleep now, but I don't know if I can.
Yesterday was the first day of Second Semester. I had to go to all of the courses, even the ones I was dropping, So I had two hours of Oceans, which I'm dropping, and Math 10 which I'm dropping, because I was put in the wrong grade level of math. So, now once everything gets worked out, my classes should be:
Block A: Yoga 11
Block B: Global History 12 (This course is supposed to be really hard, but I didn't want to take Global Geography, and we have to take one of the two to graduate, so I'm getting it over with now.)
Block C: Math 11.
Block D: Chemistry 11.
I think this semster will be harder than last. And the last was pretty stressful at times. Global History 12 is similar to Canadian History 11, but it's a lot harder. It's taught by the same teacher, so a lot of the assignments are the same or similar.
It's now five hours later. I had forgot I was writing a post...
I've been cleaning my room since 10:00, it's getting pretty clean, but where my mother and I went through some boxes of stuff a few days ago, it's hard to find places to put everything. Hopefully I'll finish today, or tomorrow, if there's no school. It really doesn't look like there will be. We got about 15 cm of snow last night, and we're supposed to get 20 - 45 cm today. XD It's been snowing all day.
Johnny was going to come over today, but I really hope he doesn't now, since the roads probably really suck.
I can hardly see the trees behind my house at the other end of the small field, because of the snow.
I really hate snow. If it wasn't cold, I'd love snow.
The problem with my friend is getting worse. Johnny was talking to her, not about that, but about other things that caused him to figure out one of the reasons I don't like her, and he doesn't agree with it, so he doesn't think it's a good reason, but he only knows her side of the story and wouldnt want to know the other persons. And we were talking about it, and I was getting really mad/upset. Not really at him, just the situation with my friend. I find it's affecting Johnny and I, and it doesn't even involve him. So much for him not being involved... So of course I was even more mad. My friend and the person listed above, who I'm not going to name, haven't always gotten along so well, and it made me dislike them both, because I was in the middle. The guy is completely out of my life, and I just want her gone too. I just told Johnny that for the first time last night. He said he wouldn't be mad at me if it happened, which I had been wondering, becuase he's friends with her, and knew her longer than me. I pretty much met him through her. So, it's good to know he wouldn't be mad. He probably wouldn't agree, think it was a good idea, or like it, but he wouldnt be mad. And, it's my life not his, and I'm sure he understands that. I don't know what I'm going to do about school. In order to avoid her, I'll have to almost always be alone, because we have all of the same friends. And, in the mornings, I'm used to getting off the bus with her and another friend, and then we'd go to out lockers together. And a lot of people would notice if we just stopped being friends, mostly our friends, but still. And I wouldn't want to have to answer any questions about it. But, I'll probably end up just stop talking to her one day, and never talk to her again..
Yesterday was the first day of Second Semester. I had to go to all of the courses, even the ones I was dropping, So I had two hours of Oceans, which I'm dropping, and Math 10 which I'm dropping, because I was put in the wrong grade level of math. So, now once everything gets worked out, my classes should be:
Block A: Yoga 11
Block B: Global History 12 (This course is supposed to be really hard, but I didn't want to take Global Geography, and we have to take one of the two to graduate, so I'm getting it over with now.)
Block C: Math 11.
Block D: Chemistry 11.
I think this semster will be harder than last. And the last was pretty stressful at times. Global History 12 is similar to Canadian History 11, but it's a lot harder. It's taught by the same teacher, so a lot of the assignments are the same or similar.
It's now five hours later. I had forgot I was writing a post...
I've been cleaning my room since 10:00, it's getting pretty clean, but where my mother and I went through some boxes of stuff a few days ago, it's hard to find places to put everything. Hopefully I'll finish today, or tomorrow, if there's no school. It really doesn't look like there will be. We got about 15 cm of snow last night, and we're supposed to get 20 - 45 cm today. XD It's been snowing all day.
Johnny was going to come over today, but I really hope he doesn't now, since the roads probably really suck.
I can hardly see the trees behind my house at the other end of the small field, because of the snow.
I really hate snow. If it wasn't cold, I'd love snow.
The problem with my friend is getting worse. Johnny was talking to her, not about that, but about other things that caused him to figure out one of the reasons I don't like her, and he doesn't agree with it, so he doesn't think it's a good reason, but he only knows her side of the story and wouldnt want to know the other persons. And we were talking about it, and I was getting really mad/upset. Not really at him, just the situation with my friend. I find it's affecting Johnny and I, and it doesn't even involve him. So much for him not being involved... So of course I was even more mad. My friend and the person listed above, who I'm not going to name, haven't always gotten along so well, and it made me dislike them both, because I was in the middle. The guy is completely out of my life, and I just want her gone too. I just told Johnny that for the first time last night. He said he wouldn't be mad at me if it happened, which I had been wondering, becuase he's friends with her, and knew her longer than me. I pretty much met him through her. So, it's good to know he wouldn't be mad. He probably wouldn't agree, think it was a good idea, or like it, but he wouldnt be mad. And, it's my life not his, and I'm sure he understands that. I don't know what I'm going to do about school. In order to avoid her, I'll have to almost always be alone, because we have all of the same friends. And, in the mornings, I'm used to getting off the bus with her and another friend, and then we'd go to out lockers together. And a lot of people would notice if we just stopped being friends, mostly our friends, but still. And I wouldn't want to have to answer any questions about it. But, I'll probably end up just stop talking to her one day, and never talk to her again..
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